christmas 2011

well, let's just get it out in the open - Z got a card & that's all we heard from her.

we had a nice christmas though.  for days before Z would get up & ask "is it christmas today?"  the night before we let him open one present  - the wooden marble run, he played with it for hours.  on the morning of, when i finally could tell the boy yes, his response was ok, then he went to use the bathroom.

he opened his presents & he was so happy he received so many of the items he'd asked for.  no, he didn't write a letter to santa, but he did write a list (with prices) from a toys r us ad.  he got the zombie lab that makes gross candy things, the pogo stick (which is quite fun & even more difficult), a rock growing kit, a game with hand racquets where you catch & throw a ball & i don't remember the rest.

we spent the day playing his games & trying out the pogo stick (& more importantly not going through the sliding glass door).  then in the evening we were about to head over to neighbor J's when the meltdown happened.

it may be from all the recent talk, but it came out - this was the worst christmas ever.  yeh....bc he only got 7 presents was his argument.
& bc we're horrible parents we offered to return 1 of his presents & buy him a bunch of little cars instead.  then he went on to ask how much money was spent on the presents.  like that really matters, but at this point in time, to him, it did.
so in addition to the presents we explained to him that we also just got his glasses (yeah, the boy got his first pair of specs) & when he was told how much $ was spent on those he seemed happy.

next year he will get a sack filled with many pieces of coal.

so once enough christmas tears were shed, we finally went to visit some friends.  there were a gang of kids & they had a good time running & playing.  i hope the boy remembers that part of christmas.  we had fun visiting with other adults.

the work

do you have any idea how great it's been to not be looking for a job? to not search all the job boards & stalk all the company websites & more importantly not live on shoestring budget?
granted i'm not making much, but it is an income & it's great to have one again.

so the other day, out of the blue, one of my co-workers asks me if i'd like to come work at her husband's office.
run the place.
twice the pay.
seriously.
gah...
oh, one more thing, fridays off, yeah 4 day work week!

where was this job last year?

i thought about it, went back & forth, talked with B about it... but i think i'm happy where i'm at, for now at least. i need training wheels, after 2 years of not working i've really lost my touch. plus i don't have a commute & my boss doesn't think anything of it if when i'm 10 minutes late [mainly bc he's like 15 minutes late, although occasionally he's early].

probably though, the biggest thing is that my boss isn't an ass. it's funny, a few people have said a few things about him, but honestly after working for old boss, this guy is easy.

Thanksgiving 2011

no, my mom & i are still not speaking.....just thought i should clear that up.  i went back & forth, part of me felt i should call her, but last time that didn't really solve the problem [obviously bc she's doing it again] so i decided, that i will let her call.
she started the game, she can end it.
i know bad.

she sent Z a card for halloween & another one for thanksgiving.  so i know she didn't have any plans of coming over.  funny thing is, all this time i haven't been missing her, i've actually been thinking about how she failed me as a parent.  how i was robbed of being a child & forced to be an adult bc she didn't know what to do with me.  how she annihilated my sense of self worth & would put me down.
um, that's not where i was going with this so let's move on please....

lalala, so yes, thanksgiving was not what we had expected.  B's family plans got thrown out the window & i'm not even going to get into that one....at one point we were seriously considering going back to the desert for the holiday to spend with B's bff R & the family of redheads who were also kind & considerate enough to invite us over as well.

thank you lord, we have friends, bc the family stuff ain't working.

B's bff R, girlfriend & momma came to town bringing desserts.  we prepped turkey, stuffing & spinach dip, then all of us headed over to the neighbors who prepared side dishes.  guess what?  you know why she didn't have family over?  bc she's having family issues too!  we all had our little part which ended up a feast & nobody was overwhelmed, it was a really good feeling.

this year's thanksgiving was all about friends, the people who hang out with you bc they like you not bc they have to.

turkey nightmares

so i'm getting into my groove at work [translates to i'm discovering my mistakes], so that's good, i guess.  funny that boss doesn't say anything to me though, just lets me mess things up. oh well, i actually learn best that way & possibly, what's really scary, is that he knows that.

now that i'm a real employee, i'm on probation.....for a year....so much for feeling all comfy.
i already had to turn in my first self evaluation.  it was fun.
when boss sent it over to me he actually told me "don't be too hard on yourself".
SEE?  he knows me, i don't need anyone to tell me what a f-up i am....my mother taught me well dammit!

so far the hardest thing for me to do was thanksgiving.  really, one wouldn't think so, but for me, it was.  first i had to figure out where to get the turkeys from & that's actually more difficult than i expected.  we don't have ovens, so i needed a hot, cooked turkey & really, not an easy task....well, factor in that it needs to be cheap too & that we were feeding between 40-50 people.

i finally found a place, but then i had to wait for boss to tell me it was ok to order & i needed $$ to pay for it & that was the part that was killing me.  yes, i know he was busy with important things, but dang, i honestly was having nightmares about the thankgiving potluck & no flipping turkey & my ass was fired.  part of that was bc in prep for the potluck i don't know how many of the guys told me "that's not how blahblah predecessor did it" so in the end i would just tell them i wasn't her.....

we got turkeys ordered & i felt the weight lifted from my shoulders, it was great.

then i realized i had to decorate, which is so not my forte.
i went out to the room, pulled out the previous years decorations & ended up with a headache.  i went back to the office & pitifully asked a coworker to help me & she was awesome!  she moved the tables around so people could sit across from each other & put tablecloths up so they looked like drapes & all kinds of cute little things.  every once in awhile she would ask me "what do you think about this?" & i was at a loss.....yeah, i failed decorating in chick school.

the potluck went well, i could hardly eat though.  afterwards we cleaned it all up & i was so relieved it was all over.....then later i realized christmas is next.....let the ham nightmares begin.

house of good news

[part of that is bc we just aren't going to talk about the bad, stupid stuff]

today we got Z's report card, which is also 1st parent teacher conference of the year. i met his teacher at the beginning of the year for back to school night & B's been in to speak with her to check up on the boy, but other than that we haven't had much interaction.

overall on his report card, she said Z was a very bright child, for math he performs at grade level & could probably do better if he chose to. his reading & language wasn't quite as strong, but she said it wasn't anything to really be concerned about, that boys seem to have more trouble writing & reading. then for for life skills, he got all 'S's [satisfactory] with only 'N's [needs improvement] in observes classroom rules & demonstrates self control.

which, you know, could be SO much worse....

she also let us know she read some of his reports from last year, but she thinks he's grown up & is learning how to behave more appropriately.

i think this year's teacher is a much better fit for Z.
& now, we know what other parents feel like, this is how it's supposed to be.

good job kiddo!

it happened....what we've all been waiting for

FINALLY OMG!!!!!

so whenever, i'm talking every.single.time.my.[cell].phone.rings.at.work, there's a little panic in my heart that it's my bff peggy [Z's vp] calling not to share her new fab recipe, but to tell me Z's in trouble. again.

but it happened.
the day of redemption.
she called.
my phone rang.
my heart skipped a bit.

& by now, i'm pretty sure girlfriend knows i know what's about to be said, so she starts out with "Z's ok, he's not hurt, but i would like to talk to about something that happened today".

gulp.
[actually is more of - now wtf? but whatever....]

the boys were playing a game during recess which involved kicking a ball, but you know how things get out of hand [& here's where Z kicks some kid's a** - usually].

but IT DIDN'T.

Z used his words.
& he didn't kick, punch or bite anyone either!
[remember prison playground brawl '09]
nor did he piss on any walls.
[at least not that we're aware of]

so, the kicking got out of control & a gaggle of boys got to visit bff peggy. Z was the only one that didn't get in trouble; he blocked kicks to defend himself & did not kick anyone back.

peggy called to let us know how proud she was of Z; that he was growing up & making better choices & she wanted us to be aware of it.

yes, you read that right.
9 years, 5 months, 3 days is all it took.

time for costumes

i thought it was pretty funny that i was dressing up for halloween to go to work yet Z couldn't dress up to go to school....school's way too uptight nowadays....

Z ended up picking out a blade costume, although he called it an inspector or something like that & i was a sailor girl. at the end of the day i was wiped, pantyhose really wear a girl out....

at home B & I were just putting up our halloween decorations when we got our first trick or treaters. once it starting getting dark we headed over to J's so Z could trick or treat with a gang of kiddos, always much more fun, especially beings mommy got a drink to take along thanks to J.

we went up & down the neighborhood blocks, it was surprising how many houses didn't participate this year, lots of darkness. the kiddos had a good time though, so that's all that mattered....oh & momma getting her drink on.

when we got home we got very few trick or treaters as well, surprisingly no giant teenagers this year. although after we closed up shop for the night we did get someone at the door at like 9pm, which was a bit weird. lights out buddy, you missed it!

halloween paybacks

for weeks Z & I went back & forth on costumes. i took him to the party store, we looked at walmart & target, then finally to the halloween shop.

he wanted bloody scream & i said no; too gruesome & he wore a mask last year, i wanted to see his face. we finally agreed on a swat-team grey camo costume with a muscled chest & a helmet with glasses. at home he put it on & decided he didn't want it.

then....on friday when i went to pick him up the school parking lot was packed. i was a bit confused until i realized it was the school halloween "carnival". so i ask him if he wants to go, of course, so then does that mean he will wear the swat costume? bc if he does, that means it's his for halloween. yes and no were his answers.....

he decided to wear his costume from last year; it was a black robe with blue material on the front & a mask from a star wars character (blue with little horns around the head). i was fine with that & we all went back to school.

& everyone one we saw Z had to tell them that he was wearing last year's costume.....thanks kiddo.

down to the valley

weekend before last i went down to the valley, a surprise trip to celebrate S's birthday.  well, it was for her grandma; M & I surprised her though.

when i got to town i went by nana's house; i had to see it.  there was an rv in the driveway with a for sale sign on it & they installed a handrail along the front porch steps, then i went back to the alley.  i needed to see the backyard too, even though i knew it was going to hurt.  the shed that was just outside the back door was gone.  the big chair that used to be in her living room was out on the patio.  i think the hardest part was looking at her trees; knowing i couldn't go walk in that yard anymore.

the fig tree i used to climb.  the trunk still has the marks from where i used an axe to cut steps in it.  yeah, so my dog could climb the tree, duh....never mind that it was ok for a little girl to play with an axe unsupervised.

i left there & went to visit cousin C.  little C didn't like me at first, he thought i was a teacher coming to work with him.  cousin C & i caught up on family drama & little C warmed up to me.  for the first time i saw the scar on his tummy from the operation he had when he was a baby.  before i knew it he was putting his feet & hands on me so i could rub on him.  must be a guy thing, i am here, rub me.

i got to town late so i didn't get to spend as much time visiting the C's as i would have liked before it was time for me to head over to surprise S.  it was fun to talk, hang out & catch up, we've all been so busy with things; even FB check ins have been sparse, so in person was really over due.

even though i didn't take Z with me, one of S's cousins managed to end up calling me mom, here i thought i would get the night off.  mid-October the middle of the day was still 100, so we were all wiped pretty early & headed off to M's hotel room to soak up some a/c. 

the next morning we got up just in time to have hotel breakfast, then shortly we went on our separate ways.  when i got home the boys had enjoyed their time alone.

finally

i'm back, i know, it's been way too long...

work was kicking my butt, i was completely exhausted all the time, plenty of nights i was going to bed at 8:30.  then the laptop up & died, without a cursory blue screen of death....i got vertical lines of color & the screen went out.  luckily, i was able to get all my bookmarks & thankfully i didn't keep anything on there before it was gone.

Z's been busy with school.  i almost am afraid to say it, but my bff hasn't called lately.  although Z did get a red card the other (which really, who cares if bff doesn't call, i'm good).  he started guitar lessons a few weeks ago; he goes back & forth between liking it & not....because he actually has to practice.  he's also still doing the cub scout thing, but along the same lines, he's not all that into it other than going to the meetings, he's not down with extra effort.  reports cards are coming out soon, i don't think anyone around here is looking forward to that.

B's also been busy doing his nursing thing.  thankfully his class load isn't too heavy, but he's about to start his clinicals soon, so that will be interesting.  they actually went to check things out last week & the entire class got stuck in the parking lot elevator....for an hour.  glad i wasn't there, i would most surely have to pee or something.

i think i've gotten into the swing of things with working.  one day i forgot to put on anti-antiperspirant...while it was still very summer.  another day i forgot to brush my teeth.  seriously!  how could i, clean teeth freak forget i really don't know!  what's worse, i couldn't come home at lunch to brush them.  so i used wet paper towels to rub them a little, chewed several pieces of gum & popped breath mints, often & managed to survive the day.

my mom still isn't talking to me.

i miss nana like crazy still, her birthday back in september was a rough day.

what happened at school

i thought Z had matured over the summer, maybe i was wrong.  he did well at the summer play place we sent him to, granted it wasn't all day but still.  i thought the new teacher was a good fit, not that i've changed my mind, it's just another piece in the puzzle.

my bff called tues; i told her Z had grown up, how we liked his new teacher & that we hoped this year would be much better than last.  she was calling to check in, she had sent a message home for us to have a meeting to re-assess everything after last year's review, but i hadn't received the notice.  based on my words she decided to wait a few weeks to set up the meeting.

on weds i missed her call.  i also missed B's 2 calls, i didn't have a clue what was up until i got home.

Z had gotten in trouble.
someone had told him to hit another kid.
so he did.
a girl.
then he asked her if she was ok, she said yes.
then he asked her if she wanted to tell a supervisor, she said no.

then later she did & Z went to the office.

so 3 weeks into the school year & he's used up his one chance.
he was given "school suspension" where he went to a different classroom for the day.

i need a suspended tag

that's all i'm gonna say about that

the interview

my job listing did come up, i applied & later received a notice from HR that my salary requirements exceeded the position. they provided a range & said if i didn't reply accepting it, i would be dropped from the pool. i contacted F that night & asked if this was negotiable. i had put a salary higher than what i was currently making bc i thought it was standard practice to negotiate during the interview process, in addition i'm not taking their medical benefits which are a large portion of their package.

F did speak with me the following am & explained his hands were tied by HR, but there were other things he could do. that was good enough for me so i replied to the message.

F & i interviewed the other day & even though i know him, i was still nervous & uncomfortable. the HR guy was part of the interview process as well & he had 3 pages of questions. F asked him if we really had to do all that? if we had to ask all the questions? there were moments that were easy, but there was a question i choked on & F had to lead me to an answer.

as far as i know he didn't interview anyone else for the job (a benefit of calendar management) & i forgot to ask when they would be making a decision (mainly bc i did so poorly on the interview).

i don't know why i was so nervous, but i was & i was so mad at myself later i ended up with a headache.

good thing my boss likes me!

4th grade!

Z started 4th grade today, he was happy & anxious to go back to school. even though last year was a rough one, he was looking forward to going back [& boy were we thankful we didn't have that battle as well!].

we had a good summer although we didn't do a whole lot & we didn't really go anywhere. after the year end he didn't go to the same summer camp so we found another place for him to go which he ended up liking much better. they had different programs where he could do art, play indoor games, outside time or computer time. all around it seemed a good fit for him & we didn't receive one call or notification about improper behavior. it was grand let me tell you!

Z's new teacher was moved down from 5th grade. she's tough, but caring & is all about teaching the kids about being responsible for themselves. in the first couple of days he came home & was making an effort to no longer say "yah" but "yes". at back to school night she told me Z had a little melt down the first day of school, but he was able to pull it together. i told her he had specifically been placed in her class, which she wasn't aware of. i also told Z said he already felt like this year was going to be much better than last year & he liked her better than last year's teacher.

working girl

my first day of work was 7/19 after not working for just over 2 years. to say the least, working a 40 hour week kicked my butt...big time. i think i'm in pretty decent shape but everything would hurt, i was exhausted every day & the weekends were for sleeping/recovering. ridiculous, but part of it was i wasn't used to wearing shoes anymore, much less heels. i know, talk about uncivilized....

when i walked into the office in was in the middle of a remodel, my office had been boxed up which i worked at for a couple of days & i had a student assistant who'd been there for a whole 3 weeks. that was my training. i was in another office for a few weeks, next to E & mainly assisted him.

my boss, F, came in to the office once a week. i wasn't exactly sure of him. i told B he was very hard to read & i really didn't know if he liked me or not, then B suggested he possibly felt the same way about me, which actually comforted me.

as soon as he was able to F had me moved back to my desk, up in front, alone, but more importantly away from E. my student assistant had moved on as the summer was over & 2 assistants for the fall were coming in as i began unpacking the crap that was to be my office.

i couldn't believe the amount of boxes that were supposed to fit in there. i unpacked & tried to make sense of things, then i unpacked more & then i couldn't do anymore. i would have the student unload a box & i would grow through it bit by bit, it was painful how much crap had been saved. the position had been held by 3 or 4 people previously & nobody threw out a damn thing throughout those 20 years. at one point i thought i was actually going to cry i was so overwhelmed by it all, but then i thought about how once i knew it was all shit i could throw it away & i was ok.

everytime F would come in he would say something about "there's still boxes in there." he didn't know how badly i wanted to put a match to all of it. there was at least 5 different files for the same thing; one person was highly organized, she had a green hanging file then a thick folder file to hold one page, or to hold a few empty forms.....from 10 years ago. the latest person had most of her file labels written by hand, scribbled "SSN" or "osha", very professional.

my first day F did tell me the permanent position would be listed & he wanted me to apply for it. it took several weeks, it finally listed & i applied. not right away as i had to update my resume & work on some things to say i actually had experience in them.

how to one up that walmart interview

E made it sound like i would be working the following week, but after the interview i didn't hear anything. i went to vegas & tried not to dwell on it; then i called B & asked him what he thought i should do, i'm always hesitant to put myself out there like that. he thought it would be better for me to call & ask about it, that it was unlikely to turn out bad.

so i did.

i called E from a hotel bathroom in vegas.
alone at least, no strippers or midgets....

i left a message asking what was the status of the position beings i hadn't heard anything after the interview. within a couple of hours i received a call from HR offering me the position.

with a bit of a raise!

i started the following tuesday!
it's my alma matter & where B's going to nursing school!

oh, & get this:
friday july 1st - B found out he was accepted into the nursing program, i received a check from my uncle thanking me for taking care of nana & i got the walmart interview call.
friday july 15th - i got the walmart interview job, S & M both won some $ in vegas.
nothing special happened on the 29th, but we're good!

of course we saw jesus in vegas

on the strip...after midnight....on a wednesday....where else would he be?

as part of the birfday celebrations i flew the vegas & met S, thanks to her employer we stayed at Planet Hollywood :-)

wait, i guess i should go back & talk about how i had an entsy weentsie panic attack on the plane... hahaha, yes, i did, but i held my *hit together & nobody knew i was freaking out, so i have one lonely ounce of dignity... i flew on a lil bitty hopper plane to LA & after we landed my hands began to numb & i got hot & no matter how much i told myself "you're on the ground dumb*ss" it took everything i had to keep calm. then i spent like $50 on LAX snacks & qualudes dramamine. i was prepared for the other leg of my trip, only i didn't need it, bigger plane = no panic.

oh & before i left, Z made me cry at the airport, he was so upset i was leaving. i finally told B to take him, it was better for them to go rather than drag it out. silly to see the both of us crying like i was going away for a long time!

Weds night we walked the strip; among gobs of people we saw a few super heroes, a muscular man dressed in a toga & jesus (of course). the next day S had some silly training things to take care of so when i got up i walked the mall downstairs. they say vegas never sleeps but i discovered it does bc all the shops were closed until 10am. luckily M was on her way to town though! i think that's the night we splurged (unexpectedly) at the buffet, then we walked the other end of the strip.

Friday S finished her silliness & was free after lunch. we went out & walked about again while M stayed at our casino, it was hot so i didn't blame the girl. we walked & took a casino tram thing & it still took forever to get to some shark thing that we decided to not go to after all that! yeah....oh well, on the way back S gambled a bit here & a bit there, when ever she was up a tad she'd cash out & we were on to the next casino. then at one she actually made a little bank, we about ran out the joint. then we texted M & found out she'd won some too!

they'd made dinner plans so i was just the tag along. little did i know they were being sneaky & found a cheesecake specialty place. it was a quaint little italian place with homemade cheesecake. the food was really good & big portions, i didn't know the deal & didn't leave a spot for cheesecake, then i was surprised by a birthday serenade. oh, almost forgot to mention how the restaurant was entirely staffed by men.

Sat was time to leave; M went one way, S & I the other. the drive home seemed quick even though we stopped in LA to eat. i was happy to get home & see my boys. B even cleaned house, did laundry & changed the sheets [although i didn't hear that part & i changed them again].

thanks for my birthday dinner, cake & a memorable 40th birthday girls!

racial slurs at their best

background - some time ago, when my mom was still talking with me, she was visiting & i don't remember how the conversation came about, but we were talking about the neighborhood car wash & i mentioned that i had taken the car in, but they had done a lousy job. then i went so far as to say "it was a bunch of white boys & they don't work as hard as the mexicans" bc normally it is a mexican crew & normally they do much better work. [sidenote - i'm both races, so i'm insulting myself 2x.]

but yes, i know, not exactly appropriate words....& trust me, i will pay for them, read on.

so skip forward to when S was visiting & she took her car to be washed & Z says to her: "the whities don't do as good of a job huh?"

yeah...............

i wasn't in the room, B said she kinda choked a little bit, but thankfully [omg!] she didn't get too worked up about it! so then B tells me about it & i'm had no recollection of it [until B unfolds the scene he apparently recorded scene-by-scene (wth?)].

ugh, so yes, we've had discussions with the little one about things being said in the home & certain things just shouldn't be repeated, etc.

so what now?

things haven't exactly been peachy keen with my mom for awhile.....& surprisingly they haven't gotten any better....

backtrack to saturday, 4th of july weekend, she left a vm "i'm going to the store, what kind of ice cream does Z want?" beings i wasn't part of the equation & Z needs to work on his phone etiquette, i gave him the phone to make the call. they had their conversation, Z ended the call & then a few minutes later there was a vm from my mom for me to call her.

when i called her back she explained she had 4 days off from work so she had asked Z if he wanted to come stay with her & he said no.

so, her original message was not exactly what she was calling for & she got to talk directly to him without any interference from me, only she didn't get the answer she wanted. hello, 4th of july weekend, right before my birthday & you don't ask me first if we have plans? trying to make me the bad guy when i say he can't go bc we have something going on? well, we didn't have plans & on his own, Z said he didn't want to go. also, i'm sure she knew in advance about time off, she could have called to set it up, but no.
she totally makes me feel like i'm in a custody battle with her.

anyways, Z said he didn't want to go bc S was visiting, so i told my mom i would talk with him & get back with her. i asked Z a few times over the weekend & as long as S was here he didn't want to go & S didn't have a plan, it was on a day to day basis & i ended up not calling my mom back.

really though, i think a big reason he didn't want to go is he told me the last time he was there he had a good time except my mom was bugging him with questions. she thinks she's helping, psychoanalyzing him, thinking she's going to discover all kinds of deep dark secrets & awful things that happen in this house not realizing it's her own unhappiness that she's projecting onto my family. this time when Z told her about his good dream, she repeatedly was asking him about his bad dreams & Z didn't want to go there.

on my birthday she called about 10:15am saying she was late for work & couldn't talk; it was an 18sec conversation. she gets up early, so it seemed like she waited for the last minute so she could use that as an excuse to make the call short. i'd hoped she'd call back that evening, but she didn't. i went with well, she's probably tired, maybe tomorrow after work, nope not sat either. then sunday, her normal day off, came & went with no call.

so apparently we're back to not talking.

& i don't know what to do.
i know if someone else treated me like this, i wouldn't let them back in my life, but what am i supposed to do when it's my mom?
i'm tired of letting her hurt me & i feel that's the only control i have.

i keep searching internally, externally, is there something i'm missing, a lesson i need to learn. all i see is the mother i don't want to be & hope i don't ever treat Z like this.

my mom & i were so close when i was growing up, the only thing i see is she can't handle my independence.

my 40th birfday

we had a lazy morning, of course, i wouldn't have it any other way.
the plan was to head to a nearby mall for shopping & seafood buffet; then B got online & found out the place we planned on eating had closed due to renovations. not that big of deal, i knew of another one at a different mall, just further away. so we drove down to mall #2, only the restaurant wasn't there either & it wasn't listed on the directory. fine, i know of a 3rd seafood buffet place!

we went to #3 & we should not have. it wasn't that good & B was sure a bite of some sort of scallop concoction was no bueno. i didn't eat anything that bad, but i did have a bit of a roll that the fried outside was so greasy i had to spit it out. thumbs up on the crepes for dessert though.

after our not so good birthday lunch we went back to mall #2 for some birthday shopping. i didn't find all that much; Z got a darling lil hat & B got some good shoes. apparently we're of that age where we need good [read ugly] shoes.

oh, um, sidenote i forgot to make the awesome announcement:
B GOT INTO NURSING SKOOL!!!
so he really does need ugly, i mean, good shoes.

we even went to mall #3 [really 2 as we didn't actually go to 1 but whatev]. we malled it until 8pm i think, then we hit costco up for a birthday cheesecake, the vietnamese restaurant for some dinner then home to gobble up our goodies. i forgot to leave room for cheesecake :-(. Z didn't want vietnamese so he had chef boy-r-dee :>P

the 4th of July weekend

surprise, S showed up out of the blue friday night while i was reading to Z. i was so enthralled with reading "fablehaven" i didn't hear her enter the house, or the bathroom, or anything until she was done & in the hallway announcing herself!

we had a quiet sat & sun, then on monday we went to the beach in carlsbad. it was a little alcove we've never been to before but we figured beings it was a holiday we were lucky to get a parking spot anywhere!

S had to head home before it got dark & we went to the neighbors for dinner. we had a nice time outside on the patio & then about 8pm we headed over near the park. we took a blanket & sat in the field & watched a great fireworks show.

the walmart interview

i don't like to say too much about the job searching endeavors, it's boring to me, why would anyone else want to read it? also i'm afraid of jinxing myself...but this one's kinda weird so i'm sharing:

anyways, as you can guess, the search continues. the last interview i talked about [here] i surprisingly got a call back & went in for a real interview. all went well, they said they would be in touch soon, the HR chick emailed me within a couple of days saying they still hadn't made a decision & then zip. dead in the water. i even emailed HR chick back & didn't get a response.

i went on another interview last week & didn't get that job either. however, the HR lady did call me to let me know she was impressed with my resume & said i interviewed very well, then she gave me some tips on applying for other positions with the company. they hired someone who'd previously worked in the dept & although i need a job, it was something i wouldn't enjoy although i probably would have taken it if offered.

then on friday, before a 3-day 4th of july holiday weekend mind you, about 4:30pm while were out running errands my phone rings. i've been sending out resumes all over the place, but my first assumption is it's about Z.
it wasn't about Z.

it was E.
i thought it was rather presumptuous of him but he didn't ask if it was a good time for me. it was hot & i'm in a walmart parking lot & really, you want to talk about work?

he did.
he needed someone right away, someone to start supporting one of his underlings, then transition over to him. we talked about my experience, he ran a full impromptu interview & he told me he was going on vacation the following week. he said HR would check my references & if i didn't hear from them or him on tuesday to call him.
it was kinda crazy.

i got online to check my references bc i wasn't sure whom i had put down but i couldn't access that part of my profile.

about 3pm on tues i got a little nervous beings i hadn't heard anything from anyone, so i called & left a vm for E & within an hour i received a call from HR to schedule an interview.

the next morning i interviewed with 2 people. it was strange, their first question was why did i apply & how was i qualified for the position? haha, ummmmmm, i didn't apply, i got a call from E.....it was a bit awkward to say the least....
so i fumbled some & went on to explain my work experience hoping that would work. i got a somewhat better understanding of the position. it reports to interview guy for 3 months while some transitions go on, there was no talk of E or his position.

later in the evening i received a call from HR that they needed references, so there wasn't a place to input them on the profile & i don't have any listed on my resume. i provided the information, then the next day they called back bc they needed supervisors, not coworkers. so that's done & now i wait.

wednesday, may 29th, 2002

Z was putting away his birthday cards, in a storage box that has old cards & other momentos & he found the e-mail string print out from the day he was born:

Dear Baby Z (ok, they didn't know the name, but you get the idea) -

Just wanted to let you know how excited everyone is to have you as the newest bud! The day you were being born I got a call from Auntie Chaz who said "S's in labor"! She gave me the number to the hospital and was very excited. then I checked my e:mail (which by the way has only been around a few years) and got a message from Uncle Steve. From then on it continued. I thought you would get a kick out this some day.

10:24am - from Steve
Hello All,

How is everyone? Long time no talk. I just got a call from Chaz. S is in the hospital right now about to give birth to a new baby boy. If anyone would like to call and wish them the best, the number is (yyy)yyy-zzzz room #236. I hope everyone is doing well.

Regards,
Steve

10:38am - from Sharon
Thanks for the info!! I am very excited!!

10:51am - from Kev
don't call now! i just called and she can't come to the phone.....she's in the throws of labor as i type! GO S!! 1, 2, 3, PUUUUSH.... 1, 2, 3, PUUUUSH.... 1, 2, 3, PUUUUSH....

10:52am - from Steve
Don't take me there again. So much pain for that poor little girl.

10:52am - from Sharon
Thanks for the heads up I left a message at home since she's kinda busy right now.

12:36pm - from Sharon
Does anyone know if he's here yet?

1:30pm - from Sharon to Maya
Can you do me a big favor and e:mail Steve S's address. I completely forgot about it and he's been asking since the shower. Thanks

1:30pm - from Maya
did you call S at the hospital? I tried just a few minutes ago and no one answered....all i could picture in my mind was legs up in the air....baby coming out...doctors & nurses up to their elbows in who knows what...and the stupid phone ringing in the background!

1:46pm - from Kev
not i

2:32pm - from Maya
hey all!
S & B's address is:
(private, duh, we still live here!)

3:38pm - from Maya
i just called and there was no answer...as i told shar...all i could picture in my mind was legs up in the air....baby coming out...doctors & nurses up to their elbows in who knows what...brian with a big goofy "i'm gonna be a dad" smile on his face and the stupid phone ringing in the background!

if i hear anything i will let all of you know!

3:39pm - from Maya
I thought these things took only a couple of hours? Boom Bam Your otta there?

So no news yet? Someone let me know. I'm afraid to call after Kev's message! Who;s keeping tabs?

ps j/k to all you long laboring moms

3:38pm - from Kev
call and find out....inquiring minds wanna know....

3:52pm - from Sharon
I would have called but I thought from your message earlier I shouldn't. I'll try her. I thought we were not supposed to call cuz I thought it all happened in that one room. I don't know about these things! @#)&*#@

3:54pm - from Sharon
O.K. I just tried and got the phone ringing thing to. Personally, I think they went out for pizza.

4:01pm - from Krys
fur sur! I thought i would be back and find an email announcing the arrival. no clues anyone?

4;01pm - from Steve
Ok, I'm not calling. Too much emotion running in that room. Chaz should do it, she is the closest.

5:10pm from Sharon
Z was born 12:53pm

If anyone is still at work and checking messages!! She was moved to another room so that is why we could not get a hold of her today!!

The number to call tomorrow is yyy-yyy-zzzz Room 304
She asked for rest tonight,
Love you all
Yay a new bud!!

5:10pm - from Sandy
What a beautiful name! Congrats to S & hubby!!!

5:10pm - from Sandy
Congratulations!!!! :-)

pumpkin pie bars

a friend ask for this & if i'm gonna type it out, i might as well keep a copy of it here, it came from kraftfoods....

1 1/3 c flour
1/2 c brown sugar
3/4 c white sugar
3/4 c cold butter (1 1/2 sticks)
1 c uncooked oats (i add 1/2c more)
1/2 c pecans (i used walnuts)
1-8oz pkg cream cheese, softened
3 eggs (i prefer only 2)
1-15oz can pumpkin
1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice

preheat oven 350 & grease a 9x13 pan

mix flour, brown sugar & 1/4c of white sugar in a medium bowl, cut in butter until crumbly. stir in oats & nuts. reserve 1c of oat mixture (i split it in 1/2 bc i like more crumble) & press remaining onto bottom of pan. bake 15 min.

beat cream cheese, remaining 1/2c of white sugar, eggs, pumpkin & spice in a small bowl with mixer on medium speed until well blended. pour over baked crust, sprinkle with remaining oat mixture.

bake 25 min (i cooked extra 10min or so to get a brown & crunchy top). cool completely & cut into bars.

Z the foodie, updated, totally...

i knew i had used the title before, but really this needs updating....
(why my brain holds on to something like this yet i can't remember how many cups are in a quart, i don't know...)

Z has kicked it up quite a notch over the past couple of years, it's a quest now, he keeps a mental list of the foods he's eaten & has a bigger list of what he wants to try. if you ask him what's his favorite vegetable; it's artichoke, spinach, edamame & corn (the order varies) & he also loves brussel sprouts, but only when first cooked, re-heated no dice.

for his birthday he asked to go out for indian food; we explained to him that wasn't going to happen while visiting grandma in chicago though, we still owe him that one.

if you take the boy to an any asian flavor restaurant he wants every seafood dish on the menu.
down in the valley for nana's funeral, over 100 degrees, he ordered shark fin soup. he loved it, finished the whole bowl & more importantly had the brag factor! i didn't care for it though, it was thick (read gelatinous) & um, just not yummy...too fishy.

for father's day we went to a buffet place & when Z returned to the table with his first plate i about fell out the booth. it was piled high with all kinds of mussels, anything on a shell, he had it. green mussel with cheese on top, oyster on the 1/2 shell & ginormous shell of some sort, no joke about he length of his forearm, cooked but still - omg!

the green mussel went down fine, the oyster was another story. he picked it up off the shell with a fork & saw the texture or lack thereof, but you gotta give the boy credit he still put it in his mouth. it quickly came back out, followed by a gag, but thankfully not any previously consumed food! then he said it was "putrid" & was not about to try to giant one, cooked or not he was done exploring!

in the next few weeks there's a bug show coming to town, featuring, you guessed it, edibles.
Z is so there!

how that dr appt went

remember on our way to nana's funeral we stopped off at the dr's office to drop off Z's add/adhd eval? way to start out a trip for a funeral huh?

this was the first available appt & when i made it, B didn't have his school schedule. once it came out we realized he wouldn't be able to go with us & we didn't want to re-schedule beings it took over a month to get the original appt.

you don't even get an appt apparently unless they're going to tell you - yes, your child is add/adhd.

Z was sent to a different room for testing, while the dr & i talked. i explained to him although it's been ongoing, Z's behavior is different at home & it also seems to vary on the teacher's environment. we discussed Z's history, the behavior issues, etc.

then we moved on to info about B & I when he asked "who has it?"

i told him i thought we both exhibited characteristics in different ways, but that he seemed to take after B more than me. i also made sure he knew neither of us were ever formally diagnosed, had not taken any meds for it & learned to handle it; that if we were capable, our child could possibly as well.

he asked about our work environment & educational background. i told him i did office work & sat at a computer all day, that i'm best when i'm multi-tasking & that i had my BS degree. he agreed that i had learned to make the best of my fidgetiness.

when i told him B had several AA degrees, the man pounced - SEE his inability to follow though, THAT'S a definite sign. i tried to explain B got those AA's while going to school at night & that he had been in the USMC for 20 years & was now going to college for nursing.

everything i said validated his point....B was able to stay in USMC for 20yrs bc of the structure, bc he moved around, the nursing was also an add/adhd flag.

he explained that although there was no actual test for add/adhd, that it's all based on opinion, Z is & the only reason he's was making it now is bc he is very intelligent but if we don't medicate by about 5th grade or middle school, he will be failing school & bring home all Fs.

i asked about alternatives to medicate - counseling, behavior modification, parenting classes, natural therapies.

he said add/adhd is a chemical imbalance that no amount of counseling or bm can have any affect, those are used for depression. he said the parenting classes may some, but not much & that hippie shit was dangerous (cuz uppers & opium derivatives are totally good for you...).

one thing that really stuck with me was he said "if you want him to grow up to be a fireman or a forester than he will be fine but if you want him to grow up to be an accountant, he needs the medication"

WHAT?

what does 'what i want my child to grow up to be' have anything to do with giving him medication? if there is something wrong with Z i have no problems meding him, but when it comes to a f-ing job description????

i told the dr "right now he wants to be a vet & i'm completely happy with that, but he is only 9..."

as you can tell, the dr & i were not on the same page; i was not the parent he expected & he was just looking to write a prescription - wha-la i fixed your kid!

i told him the reason i was there was bc i was tired of getting phones calls from school & i was concerned about Z making friends.

the dr recommended either charter schools or home schooling. the friend thing, that's the tough one; in his opinion Z's impulsiveness is standing in the way of making friends.

now THAT is something that i will take into consideration.

we have a follow-up appt next week so he can give us the results of Z's IQ test. i dont' really see the point, seems like whether it's high or low, it won't have any impact on the dr's opinion.

B & I will go, we talked about it, we could get the prescription & not give him the meds.
we will also go to another dr though.

i lost my funny

normally even if i'm not posting i've got a few ideas puttering around in my head, forming, taking shape, evolving into something but lately that hasn't been the case. & although i never guaranteed only funnies around here, this place has been pretty sad for some time.

when we lived in the desert i wanted to come home so badly & here we are & life has been so rough the past few years. not that i'm not thankful to be home, i am thankful, so, SO thankful i can not even begin to tell you bc i can't imagine how i would have handled the past year from up there.

[well, minus some of my mother's antics, those probably wouldn't have happened.]

nana's gone & i miss her terribly. after the camping trip & going to chicago once we were home & laundry was going my next thought was i needed to go visit her. whenever i see a piece of clothing in purple i wonder if it's something nana would like. & when my hair turns orange, i think about how she's not here to tell me i need to fix that shit....

tomorrow is Z's appt, it was the first available appt, over a month later. in a way i think it's best though; school is out & although the nana factor is there i feel normal & can talk to people again. i talked with Z & explained to him what the dr appt is about, he doesn't want to go or to talk about his behavior.

bleeping bunnies & worthless dog...

a few months ago there was a night when we pulled into the driveway & there was a cute little bunny that ran across the front yard. aw, cute, a lil bunny with a fluffy lil tail!

for mother's day the boys put in a pretty flower garden for me. for my mom we made a colorful flower/plant arrangement, there were enough leftover flowers to make a 2nd pot which we kept. it was really pretty & colorful & doing so well, it was begging to out to the front door & be on display. the first night the bunnies attacked it like i had put a sign out "free bunny breakfast". it didn't stop there either, they also mowed down a few other plants in the garden.

then....

our last water bill was $150, which may happen in aug/sept when it's way hot & the garden needs the extra water if it's going to produce anything. in june that was not right, it wasn't even a hot june, it's been cool & gloomy. luckily B had put in a banana tree that a neighbor had given us & he was cleaning up the rock mess he'd dug up in order to get the plant in when he noticed the sprinkler hose um, well, was broke in a place where it shouldn't be.

actually, it was chewed.

all the way through.

2 distinct hoses now.

thanks bunnies.....

so bc of where the line was cut broken chewed we have no idea how long the leak was happening before it was completely in 2! not to mention that we've been watering our neighbor's hill.....or the fact that we've had to water 1/2 our garden with the hose in addition to the non-sprinkler water [all while wondering wth is up with these plants needing so much water!!!].

oh & the dog, hahahah
yeahhhhh.....she's inside sleeping. i can only assume she's made some sort of arrangement with the bunnies, as in - look you come in the yard & do whatever you want, just let me sleep, k? k. deal.
bc they ain't even concerned about her one bit.

heck the other day she was sleeping in her spot near the kitchen. i was cooking but went down the hall to say something to B & when i returned there was a bird in the middle of the kitchen.

this is not the house of snow white animals!

the red folder eval

right after the cs camping trip i went to school & asked my bff about conducting a red folder eval on Z. one of the cs mom's (with 2 add/adhd boys & she's a teacher) had suggested this would help & we need all we can get! i made sure the vp knew about the add/adhd eval that's in progress & she agreed, the school eval would be a beneficial aspect for the dr's info.

B & I went it & met with VP, teacher, counselor & another person who took notes.

the first step was to go over academics - they evaluated him testing individually & in a group. individually he did significantly better & he could potentially be considered gifted. when he's in a group however he can't stay on task & his scores suffer.

the counseling/behavior review was disheartening as i expected. actually more than i expected, but i know they aren't doctors & this is the beginning of a long journey that will require a lot of effort, research, trial and error.....

in addition to their opinion of Z being adhd they also expressed concern over his "highs & lows". in their opinion Z is either very happy or very sad. in case you can't read between the lines, they think he may be bi-polar. yes, they said it, i'm not extrapolating anything.

i see add/adhd in both B & I in different aspects. i see it in both of my parents' behaviors. i know B's dad had issues (i use past tense only bc there's been no contact the entire time i've known B).

i know Z has problems, that sometimes his behavior is inexcusable.
i keep hoping he will figure it out, he will learn, he will mature, he will listen, follow the rules & quit checking the damn fence.

the vp also made sure we were aware that next year documenting behavior won't be as lenient as it has been. as a 4th grader the consequences are stiffer and documentation will no longer be at her discretion.

the boy has a lot of growing up to do over the summer...

Z happenings

* the other night Z was sent to his room for misbehaving & he ended up falling asleep. when dinner was ready i woke him up & asked him if he wanted to get up to eat. he came into the kitchen in a daze then walked over to the trash can, pulled his jammie bottoms down & was THIS close to starting to pee!

as the bottoms were coming down i had a feeling what direction he was going in so i was asking him "what are you doing?" before he completely let loose. then he wakened from his stupor & laughed, embarrassed & went to the bathroom to finish the job.

* lately Z has taken to singing, a lot. it's not uncommon for him to be in the backyard puddling around & singing "oh mommacita how i love you!!!" [i'm sure the neighbors are wondering when did the cubans move in?]

in addition to the love declarations Z developed a new song the other day for Lady (she also gets love songs). it's a known fact that as soon as the yard is cleaned up of landmines she has to go mark her territory. so as he was picking up, he was singing "getting ready to poop Lady, getting ready to poop".

anything more appropriate for a 9yo boy? i don't think so....

* & of course, one more trip [well, let's hope it's the last one!] to the principal's office before the year ends. so, yes, my bff left a vm that Z was in her office for behavior issues & that he would not be returning to class for the day.

i called her back, but only got her vm. so i was left with my mind to wander over all the possibilities my child could have enacted. as far as i knew or could remember "not returning to the class for the day" hadn't happened. oh, geez, this must be a bad one. what could he have done now? omg!!!!

i think it was about 2 hrs before she called me back, trust me it felt like 2 days. she explained that Z had peed all over an out of commission toilet, tape, walls, etc.

while i wasn't happy with what he did, the relief that was ALL he had done was H.U.G.E.
i asked her if they could have Z clean up his mess & she agreed that was a good idea.

dear bff, please leave more detailed messages, my heart & head cannot handle these matters...

the rest of the trip

for memorial day we went back to grandma G's house to celebrate. Z finally got to open the present he'd handled so much our previous visit. i have to say i was surprised he didn't start to open it off in corner somewhere. the present was 3 small dart guns; Z had a blast playing with his great, great uncle & later we played downstairs in the basement. the sun was finally out so before we left Z went & ran around the yard, loving the grass & dirt on his feet.

we left grandma's house & stopped at Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery. i hope after the impact of the flag retirement ceremony that Z was able to comprehend at least a little of what memorial day was really about.

by tuesday one of the guns was already broken & Z decided with his birthday $ he wanted to get a bigger nerf gun. we got 2 guns; B played a few rounds with Z & even grandma C joined in the fun. we took one more walk out to the park & lake before the sun went down for the day. that night i read more of fablehaven to the boys, even B's enjoying the story now.

before we knew it 3am wednesday came along & it was time to get on the road home. the trip was good & Z was well behaved, something we all were grateful for.

the boy is 9

wow, 9 years old.....

on sunday, yup, just a week before, we made plans & bought tickets to fly out to chicago to visit B's family for Z's 9th birthday. told you we're procrastinators extraordinaire!

before we left for our trip, grandma C's present (a remote control truck) & UC&AK's presents (2 games) arrived & were opened. we also decided to let him open our gifts; a baseball bat, glove & balls, then a mix of hodge podge (modeling clay that you shape, bake, then use as erasers; bags of marbles, shrinky-dink paper [B's never used it, crazy huh?]).

we flew out friday evening, arriving at midnight. the first few days there were dark, heavy clouds & raining. we visited B's grandma, she corrected us that we hadn't been back to visit in 3 1/2 years, we thought it was 4. amazing that a 93yo woman can remember such details!

for the birthday we took Z to the movies to see the new kung fu panda movie (it wasn't so great). B's mom invited a co-worker's 9yo son along, so Z had a friend. we got some filled twizzlers & the boys had a contest who could eat the most while watching the movie. i sneaked 1 while they were entranced; the candy was gross, plastic tasting. i was sure at least one of the boys would get sick after eating so much of that awful candy.

after the movie we went to a arcade type place; they had outdoor activities but bc of the rain all that was closed. the boys had a good time with the games & pizza though. Z actually requested indian food for his birthday but we told him we would do that back at home, sure grandma C would not care to participate in that meal.

back at grandma's house we had cake. it was a little different to celebrate the birthday this way, but i hope he enjoyed it.

9 years old, i can't believe how time has flown.

thanks, that's just what i needed

my mom came over to visit Z before our big 9th birthday trip to chicago. we went down to pick the boy up from school & i was updating her on Z's add/adhd eval & the red folder eval (academic, behavioral, psychological via the school).

not that expected praise or anything, i was just trying to keep her involved, aware. i should have known that my mother would take the opportunity to kick me in the gut when i'm weak though. just coming to terms with actually going through with the evaluations has been hard enough on it's own, acknowledging that yeah, something's not right, we need help, was devastating.

she blames our parenting on all of it.
we are overly strict, we do not give him options, we are keeping him immature.

my first response was "really, do you want to talk about this here & now?" we were at Z's school, in the middle of a group of other parents all waiting for a swarm of kids to come out within minutes.

she's gone on & on about how Z's holding on to "old hurt" for years she finally explained that when Z was 3yo & we came to visit B yelled at him for changing the tv channel. wow, who's really hanging on to that one? not Z i tell you.

she has no idea what it takes to raise the boy, how much effort to keep the fence in check bc he's always right there making sure it's being enforced. did B over-react, sounds like it, but i can also say she doesn't know how many times he's been told things repeatedly or what about the simple fact that his behavior should be better when he's at someone else's house?

i went on to tell her no one's born a perfect parent & we were entitled to our own mistakes, he is our child. he's immature bc that's how he is, it's not a result of poor parenting.
uh, she cut like a knife & i was beyond pissed.
thank you once again mom, for being such a supportive parent, maybe you should heed a few of the lessons you're so willing to dole out!

we went home & the discussion was over, of course, she wouldn't dare say such things in front of B. i barely spoke with her, her departure couldn't happen quick enough for me. she did apologize say she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.
really?
how do you attack someone like that & not?

not working

so, work, um, yeah......

i did get a letter regarding this interview & they selected another candidate. a good call i admit, call me for something else though.

i went on another interview the monday before nana's services. yeah, it wasn't easy to push everything aside, put on a happy face, answer questions & be sparkly. sparkly is difficult for me under normal circumstances, it's just not me, recent events made this a real feat. i thought everything went well, the job & company sounded good, the pay was less than what i wanted, but it was a job. a week later i received notice they'd hired someone else.
that hit hurt.

i also received 2 letters from the city that although i met their minimum requirements for 2 office clerk positions there were MANY other higher qualified candidates. 15+ years experience & a BS degree puts me at the bottom of the list? i guess they have MBA's doing their filing....

a few weeks ago i applied for a position at the jr college down the street & also tested for an office job with the county. this week i had 2 phone interviews (same company).

i haven't had a chance to write about what happened with my mom yesterday, but bc of it i had a really hard time sleeping last night. the 2nd interview was this morning. i was nervous, i talked too fast, my voice wasn't right & i kept clearing my throat to no avail. i really have no clue what the interviewer thought of me, she did say that a lot of my skills history aligned with what they were looking for but she didn't say anything about contacting me again for followup.

nana, Z, my dad, my mom....
today i say f-it,
i've had enough people.

cub scout camping...for reals this time

we were at our wit's end with the boy. we'd already decided he wasn't going on the 3rd grade outing, which hurt to take away, but dang when you put that on the line, the kid shouldn't try to call your bluff.

we've punished, we've rewarded, nothing negative, nothing positive works. NOTHING...

Z was on restriction for 2 weeks, it didn't phase him one bit. B & I were miserable though. it took an outsider looking into tell us we were only punishing ourselves. so to get out of our funk & try to start over we went on the camping trip, letting the boy know if he tried to pull anything, we would pack everything up & come home.

we got there friday night & set up. although we didn't want to get there too early, setting up took longer than we anticipated & we still had to go back to town & get groceries for dinner. one would think with all the planning & premeditating we wouldn't be that far off, but we ended up having dinner while most of the kids were already in their tents supposedly sleeping.

first day up early of course, it was hard to sleep with all those nature sounds! we went for a hike around the lake, there were tons of squirrels around. the leaders made sure to tell all the boys to leave them alone, keep their distance, blah, blah, blah, then suddenly someone threw a water bottle at them. my first inclination was "thankfully that's not Z bc he's over" & as i start looking for where i think he is, he isn't, he's standing right where the bottle came from. of course.....

just can not control himself.
it's almost like he doesn't hear the "don't" part of the instruction.

anyways we told him that was it, that was his 1 chance, blown the first morning. he was good for the rest of the trip, but part of that might have to do with the simple fact of our setting. yes, compared to some of the other boys, Z was quite well behaved. it seems as though cub scouts is the central hub for add/adhd boys; many of the boys there we learned have been diagnosed & on medication.

there were workshops for the boys to earn some badges & they also retired a flag. i had never seen the ceremony before, it was moving. Z was really affected by it, something i would have never of guessed. during the ceremony one of the leaders spoke with him bc it was obvious he was not taking the situation lightly. after the ceremony i explained to him again we were honoring the flag & disposing of it the proper manner, he still was very upset though. some of the other cub scout came over & told them they cried the first time they witnessed a flag burning & the main cs leader came over & read additional info to Z to try to get him to come to terms with all of it.

B had participated in the ceremony so he wasn't aware of what was going on for some time, we don't know if his involvement played a role in Z's response, but B also tried explaining it to Z again. even walking back to our camp site he was still very upset & told me he didn't want to see that again. once he started playing he got over it & had a good time though.

the next morning we got up to misty weather, it's so much fun putting away a damp & muddy tent let me tell you. our cs camping trip was a success.

Z antics

in the midst of all the nana going ons Z was not one to fade out of the limelight:

- one day i found, laying in a stack of papers near his backpack, his progress report. out of 8 behavior sections 6 either needed improvement or were unsatisfactory (even lower than N). teacher wrote that he is very distracted & often needs directions repeated. she also rated his reading & writing at 2- & +, respectfully, which is partial mastery of grade level.

- then he was kicked out of his afterschool program for choking a girl. he claims it was an accident, that they were playing bunny ears & they were running towards each & somehow he accidentally caught her neck. who knows, at this point he's lied a lot, got into so much trouble for hitting other kids, we will never know the truth.

- next i received a phone call from my bff peggy, the vp. she asked if Z had told me about their conversation, of course not. then she went on to tell me a parent had come in to complain about Z, same parent/child from the last episode. the boy feels bullied by Z. Z acted like he was going to break the boy's necklace & while they were standing in line somehow or another Z was horsing around & he ended up making the boy fall down & break his glasses.

- a few days later Z returned to the afterschool program & within 2 days he was kicked out again. this time for punching 2 girls in the stomach. he said he was playing ball with a boy, the girls came up & tried taking the ball away from them. he didn't admit to hitting them though, he said they ran into his fist, accidentally....

this was all going on while i was trying to recover from losing nana.

i called the pediatrician, picked up a form for add/adhd & gave it to Z's teacher on monday. i told her the dr's office reviewed evals on tuesday, so she had the eval ready for me the next day. when i picked up Z from school to start our trip for nana's services, i dropped off the evals at the dr's office.

i felt broken,
a failure at parenting.

final farewells - day 2

we dressed & headed straight over to the cemetery; we were one of the first few people to arrive. aunt O was there already there, dressed in white, making a point that she wasn't in mourning. i was told later when someone said they were happy she was there she replied "why shouldn't i be here?"

the pastor spoke again, as did my uncles; then they passed around the little wooden box that held nana's remains. i refused to hold it, i just couldn't. when everyone had their opportunity the box was placed in the vault & after most people left i went & put my hand inside the little square space, on the box & said my final goodbye to nana.

we drove by nana's house one last time. her dog was still there but she wouldn't come to us. the sheds in back still had stuff that had been there for over 30 years. i saw the old timey high chair that was old fashioned when i was a kid. if we would have been in the truck i would have gotten it, but we were in the car, full to the brim & those sheds would be emptied soon. i did grab a bottle. a plain simple little glass bottle that would be trash to everyone else.

we'd been told my uncles had fixed up the house, things they c/wouldn't do when their mother lived there but c/would once it meant money in their pocket - painting, tiling, fumigating, etc. the house is in escrow or will be soon, it's been cleaned up & out. her things are gone & that door will never be open to us again.

we went back to the relative's house for another little visit, then came home.

final farewells - day 1

we made the trip down to the valley. we stopped to visit a cousin to settle the last of my dad's affairs, so strange to think he's been gone almost a year.

we made it to town about 5 & the funeral parlor doors opened at 6. all we needed to do was get some flowers, check in to the hotel, change & get there. in a small town should be accomplished in 1/2 an hour, even moreso when everything was pretty close together. not that i wanted to be the first one there, but i did want to get there somewhat early & visit with family & i had friends that would be there. my mom however had other plans, choosing flowers took forever.

at a grocery store.
with not a large selection.
round & round & round some more....

we checked into the hotel, changed, didn't even have time to put anything on my face & everyone was back in the car. well, my mom was dragging her feet, not that she was upset or anything, just not worried about getting there early...or somewhat on time for that matter. i had even gotten a few texts from friends & family who were worried that we hadn't shown up yet & she wasn't concerned.

we walked in at 7 & things were already rolling, it was not awesome. i felt like i was insulting my nana by showing up so late. we scurried up to the front to sit with the rest of the family. a pastor spoke, some guy sang, my uncles said a few words & so did my cousin ME.
she said she didn't know if she would ever be the same again.

after the services we finally got to say hello to everyone. nana's caregiver was so sweet & nice & even though i only understood 1/2 the things she was saying she made me cry so much. i saw my aunt O, although we knew she was coming i was still surprised to see her. i couldn't believe after years of not talking to her, of forbidding nana from uncle M's funeral & not ever going to see her in her final days, she would go to nana's funeral, but she did.

afterwards we met the girls (M & S) at a restaurant to hangout for a bit. then we went to a relative's house to visit with family for a few hours.

oh & at the parlor B & cousin ME got hit on by the same guy.
well, B claims he was not hit upon, ME knows she was & M, S & I all think it really looked like B was getting hit on, so it counts.

friday/saturday

i was tired & went to bed early, but i had a difficult time falling asleep. i got up at 11, unable to fall into a deep sleep the best remedy was to eat something. i got up again at 3, it wasn't that i was hungry, but i still couldn't sleep. i tossed & turned, when i did sleep it wasn't restful. i kept on hearing this song, it's the theme from the novela nana & i used to watch.

i remember waking up hot, not from the room temperature though it felt like i was running a fever. i know i was awake after 4:30 as i was contemplating getting up to read, but i eventually at some point early in the morning fell asleep. i got up shortly before 10; my body felt heavy & my head was foggy, i thought i was getting sick.

i had just received an email from my uncle [fyi, my uncle is oft known for getting the carriage before the horse, having sensitivity issues & mostly [at least in my book] for being an ass] announcing nana's FUNERAL, i was astounded [yet again] at his level of assery.

B & I sat there & talked about it. B said he hoped nana lived beyond the date. then, ugh, B made the leap that possibly nana was gone. [fyi, sometimes i really hate how often he's right!] B suggested i call my uncle, but i didn't want to. either way it would not be good - a) i'd tell him what an ass he was for sending out a funeral announcement while she's still alive, 2) if she had passed i would tell him what an ass he was for, X) not calling me, 11.1) not stating that minor detail in the email.

so i called the facility & when i asked them about nana's status they replied "didn't hospice call you?" when i said no, the nurse informed me she had passed early that morning about 6am, so i told her i would come in to gather nana's things.

i texted cousins C & ME, then called my mom.

B came with me to get nana's things & my mom met us there. nana's side of the room had already been emptied, all personal belongings were gone, nothing of her was left behind. her roommate was there, she cried for us. my mom spoke with her while i went to talk with the nurses & get nana's things.

i asked the nurse for nana's time of death so she looked at the chart; at 11pm hospice noticed nana was bleeding, she passed at 5:03am. they gave me nana's bags of clothing & other belongings which we had planned on going through there, but it was much too sad. nana's roommate had left bc it was too hard for her to stay there as well. the roommate told my mom she had been woken up at 3am bc of the commotion going on in nana's side of the room.

my last visit

thursday morning i had jury duty, luckily it was over by lunchtime. i came home, ate & then went to see nana. i took a book & read to her, something i had never done before but it was so much harder to sit with her now. the non-responsiveness, the vacant stare, it just wasn't her anymore.

they brought in her lunch, it had been changed to puree. i tried to feed her but she would only take a couple of bites & when i tried to give her water she was no longer able to get it to come up the straw, only blowing bubbles instead. she tried & tried but her muscles wouldn't cooperate, so i put my finger over the end of the straw to hold the water in place, then put the straw in her mouth & released my finger so the water would fall into her mouth.

when i told the nurse about the bubbles i could see in his face this was notable. he went & spoke with the charge nurse, then came back & fed nana some more food. he was definitely better at it than i am. he told me his mother died in mexico, that nana meant a lot to him bc he wasn't able to be with his mom when she died.

the hospice nurse came in when i was about to leave. she looked nana over & took her vitals while i gave her a run-down of how nana had been. nana's blood pressure was good, but she said her heart was beating quickly & that could be a sign of organs shutting down. she also said nana had a slight temperature & noted her jaundice was returning.

based on nana's status, she decided to change her to the highest level of care. she said although unlikely, her condition could change & they could change her back to a lower level, but most likely nana only had a few days left.

i came home & emailed my uncle & ME about nana's change.
the next day, friday, my mom & ME visited nana.
Z told me he wanted to visit nana, i planned on taking him saturday.

she's gone

& i will miss her always...

mah crumb

during all those breaks i was reading up on ciabatta & watching videos trying find a way to remedy my soup dough issues. the instructions said "beat the crap out of it" & i did, i even put on my black leather boots & called it all kinds of dirty names.....

when i pulled it out of the micro i wasn't too surprised that even with all the fluffiness it was still pourable; one of the videos i watched, she had pourable dough so i wasn't too stressed over it. i separated it into 2 batches on parchment & gave it another rise period. the next part was difficult, flip the liquid mass.

Z was hollering to me about something & i told him to come to me & he asked what i was doing so i explained i was wrestling with paper & dough. he said "wouldn't that be easy?" then when i watched what i was trying to accomplish he said "why don't you get another piece of paper & just flip it upside down?"

BRILLIANT, my child!

i baked & it fluffed some more. B came home, said whatever i was baking smelled good, i told him it was an experiment gone wrong 7 different ways & there was no telling what was coming out of the oven. both loaves came out looking great; a bit of crisp to the crust, tender inside, just a little, tiny bit on the salty side.

there is is, in all it's blue cast glory (sorry but i don't know what's up with that). also, don't mind all the alcohol in the background....
the last slice from loaf #1 & loaf #2 waiting patiently, it's holes weren't quite as large.

tears in my ciabatta

in an effort to distract myself, not to mention i was hungry & we were low on bread, i decided to give the ole ciabatta another try. for reals this time though, no no-knead type like i made before. the bread was pretty good, i just don't like having to plan like 18 hours in advance for my baking. i'm lucky if i think about such things 4 hours ahead of time. since then i've made french bread, rolls & a few types of breadsticks; so i figured i could handle traditional made ciabatta. even when i make breadsticks they're served after the 1st round of spaghetti bc i don't plan well, 18 hours is way out of my league.

i looked for recipes & then from all the talk, i started to get a little nervous. i decided to go with this recipe. which probably wasn't a good idea bc hello, conversions, my first hurdle, not a big one though thanks to the internet. i went through the trouble of going to a few different conversion sites to make sure i got it right, bc conversions are so not my thing.

recipes states 475g = ~2c water, ergo 500g = ~2+c flour, no? grams are little right?
also, when converted i got 15g = 3+tsp salt, i'm on the fence thinking that may be too much, but i went with it. i've worked with enough bread dough to know measurements are all estimates & that's why i can do it, i'm not precise when i cook.
the recipe also says to use your KA (kitchen aide)-like mixer. um, i have a $30 handheld from walmart, will that work? if i have to go buy a KA-like mixer i might as well go buy 300 loaves of bread....

so with all odds against me & occasional tears before i even get the flour out, the adventure begins. it says expect pancake batter & yes, that's what i started with. i used my dough hooks (which i initially mocked when i got the mixer, never mock, not even inanimate objects, it will come back to you) & beat, then rested hoping gluten strands would form, repeated like 4 times & still had pancake batter. not even kinda thick pancake batter.

i decided to switch on over to regular mixer dohickeys; not sure if the blades would destroy the gluten strings but i needed more motion. the batter is supposed to thicken up with the mixing, pull away from the sides & even the bottom of the bowl, yet i still had a bowl of soup. i beat for 10 minutes, not much changed, i let it rest, then beat again & this time i reviewed the recipe again. more importantly i read the comments bc i remember seeing someone saying they beat their pancake batter by hand & their's turned into ciabatta dough so wtf????

then i read a note that for some reason, again me & conversions not friends, the 500g of flour does not equate to 2+c flour, it equals somewhere along the lines of 4+ (i think it was 4.2 or 4.3 but, i don't give a F now....) so my pancake batter was never, ever, ever gonna turn into ciabatta dough without more flour.

easy fix, but now i had frankenbatter.

i added 1+c more of flour so i no longer had soup, but still had messy, sloppy, sticky dough. then i put it in the micro (no heat, just closed environment) to rise. that was 2 hrs ago & it's about to spill out of the bowl. rise it has, i'll bake it, but it will probably be tougher than nails.

easter 2011

i just read my post from last year, so strange to go back to that time....the awkwardness with my mom & as far as i knew my dad & nana were both fine.

a few days before easter Z told me he wanted to celebrate the real reason for easter & although i was a little taken aback, i told him we could do that. for clarification, i said "so you want to go to church, right? to celebrate easter..." hahaha, you should have seen his face! "NO, i want to do an easter egg hunt!" very well then, now that we're all clear about that one.
i did explain the real reason for easter, but i'm pretty sure he fell asleep.

on sat am i took Z to a local park for an official egg hunt. it was crap though, $5 donation & the toys were bs. Z thought he scored, so i wasn't going to rain on his parade, besides, i only donated $3 - take that!

when we got home i asked Z if he wanted boiled eggs in addition to confetti & candy filled eggs & he said yes, but when i told him he had to help, he decided that wasn't necessary. i was fine with that, but seriously? putting eggs in the pan & some water was too much trouble? that kid!

it shouldn't have surprised me that he also decided he didn't want to help with coloring eggs; to that i responded confetti eggs were not happening then. in my opinion coloring the eggs is part of easter, so color with me kid or else! he crumbled & we colored & he enjoyed it [i made him]. we played with double dipping & coloring 2 shades, etc & then when we were done Z sorted them all by color & intensity, mommy's little ocd monster!

sunday was a different day though; reality was crashing in all around me. i wanted to be happy, it was easter; but nana, almost a year since dad's passing, all the job hunting rejection, put me on the edge of tears for most of the day. i pushed through it though.

my mom came over, she gave Z a basket & a toy. B & I hid Z's eggs (we didn't get caught this time!), Z had his hunt (again) & we gave him a couple of little toys. we had ham, potato salad & green salad, there was no room for cake; Z didn't have room for food.

then my mom & i went to visit nana for a little bit. when we returned, all of us put the confetti eggs together, one of those family moments i hope Z remembers. it was getting late though & bc the glue needed to dry i wasn't even sure we'd get to confetting. i said something to Z about waiting for the next day, then i remember i had a stash from last year, it was only a dozen, but if the neighbors came over it was only 3 kids so that was plenty. i sent J a text & it worked out, they came over & we all had a good time. the boys especially, little M wasn't so sure about things, but i think part of that was she was just tired.

so now i have a bigger stash, i'm thinking they will be used at a birthday party or something, cinco de mayo's right around the corner too. like we really need an excuse to crack eggs on each other's heads....

the boy

i never claimed to be a mommy blogger, so you can't say anything about no Z posts. it has been a few months since my dear friend Peggy has given me a call [why yes, we are on a first name basis, well...i am, she may not be], but that doesn't mean the boy's been out of trouble. it just means he's managed to not get in THAT much trouble or that he hasn't gotten caught.

so again, right before easter spring break he had to make sure he ended that with a shabang & really test boundaries at home & at school. there were plenty of yellow & orange cards, i don't think there were any reds. um, part of that might be bc he's been turning his card the wrong way again....

i decided i was tired of all the not green colors & have really been making an effort to look into getting him evaluated for adhd & trying to find programs, assistance, um, how about what to do? where to start?

i look & read but get nowhere. a friend suggested a place that helped her son immensely, but when i called they told me they only helped children already diagnosed with severe disabilities like autism, etc. & then she hung up the phone as soon as possible without giving me the chance to ask if she could give me any other leads.

his first week of school, he did it, A FULL WEEK of green, for reals! we're only in the last trimester of the school year, but whatever, let me enjoy this, he worked hard for it! & he wasn't even sick or on medication!

when i asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate he told me he wanted to invite everyone over like we did for poppa's birthday & have a water balloon fight. i was thinking something like chuck e cheese or a movie, so we'll see how this goes.

WIN!

several emails & phone calls later, uncle got it going & i went back to the facility to assist with getting nana signed up for the hospice. although unlikely, the enrollment/admissions person agreed that if there were any concerns about the morphine, but percocet worked, it would be better to switch her to oxycontin.

the facility nurse also informed us it was confirmed nana has a uti & that could be causing her recent change in behavior.

a hospice nurse is supposed to come in to observe nana, how she's doing, her pain level, how the meds work for her, etc. the initial observation will be high, part of it is to determine what level of care she really needs. once the antibiotics start working, we will really know if the behavior changes are from the morphine, the uti, or the inevitable....

but today is a WIN!
[sad that a confirmed uti & signing up for hospice is considered a win, but it is]

i'm happy & relieved. before i left i stepped into nana's room. the tv was on & i could see that her eyes were open so i turned on the light & she looked at me!!!!! she hadn't looked at me in 2 days, i missed that. i'm going to really miss that!

bare with me...

on tues i made sure to visit nana, uncle was coming & surprise when i got there a family friend from B-town was also there, she & her daughter i went to hs with. nana wasn't too bad that day, propped up in bed. she didn't talk much, she told me she wasn't feeling well & when they brought her lunch the family friend was able to get her to eat a little chicken & potatoes. my mom also showed up, so nana had a roomful of guests, she wasn't herself, but you could tell she was happy to have people around her.

weds was the day i met with the staff about hospice, the previous post.

on thursday when i went in nana was unresponsive. she was awake but would not respond to my voice or move her eyes at all. if i touched her she would say "ouch" but that was it, her hands/arms were limp if you picked them up. i thought she might be heavily sedated but then she would be asleep right? i asked the nurse & she told me bc of her unresponsiveness they hadn't given her any pain meds that day.

i sat with her for approximately 3hrs, from the way she looked, it was as if she had already passed & her body was merely shutting down. i even texted B & told him i thought she was going. they brought her dinner & there was soup on there so i was hoping i could get her to eat. although i hadn't received any kind of response prior when i asked her she said "water" & she drank a big gulp. shortly after B & Z showed up she moved a little bit more, but it was all automatic/involuntary motions.

i spoke with the nurses again & they asked about hospice, my uncle set up the appt for tuesday. the nurses looked at me bc we all are not sure, considering her current status, if she'll make it to tuesday. i asked them about contacting Dr F, that maybe beings hospice wasn't lined up he might want her admitted to the hospital so she can get the kind of care she needs. at the facility they can't do IVs & she can't take pills in her condition.

when i left there i didn't know if nana would make the night. if i would get a call in the middle of the night. if she would still be with us in the morning. the bits of sleep i got, B was moving/twitching & in my dream he turned into nana having spasms as she past on.

today, fri, B & I met my mom at nana's; she was better than yesterday but still not responding. she did however, roll herself onto her side. seriously, the woman amazes me. my mom force fed her a few bites of potatoes & she drank a fare share of water, definitely more there today.

i got an email from uncle saying he'd gotten his house cleaned & the woman who does the cleaning told him nana may be having a reaction to the morphine & that if i still thought hospice should be started sooner (than tues) to let him know what he needed to do.

SERIOUSLY?????
no offense, but the (*&^$@# housekeeper, no matter how sage the woman is, THAT's who finally gets him in gear????
the oncologist has been telling him for over 6 months, the facility has been telling him for probably 4 or 5 months & i've been bugging him for the past couple of weeks. oh well, all hail the housekeeper bc girlfriend made it happen!

the decline begins

on the 7th nana had a dr appt, i didn't go bc my mom came over.

2 things came of the appt - dr put nana on morphine (i'm not sure if that's good or bad, it was mainly to ease her stomach pain, but morphine's some scary shit) & bc there hadn't been changes in her health instead of 4 weeks her next appt was 6 weeks (win!).

i don't remember what happened, but i didn't see nana until monday & she was a MESS. (oh, i had received a call from the facility over the weekend letting me know they had reduced the morphine pills 2/day to 1.) she laid in bed in agonizing pain, it hurt to see her like that. she was so out of it, not drugged, just could not see beyond the pain to see me or acknowledge anything.

i put her flowers on the windowsill like i normally do so they could get some sun & gave them some water from a cup. i didn't realize it until i had already emptied the cup that it was vomit. i was already teary & queasy, seeing that didn't help. a lady from the church came in to see nana's roomie, when she saw me she asked if i wanted her to pray for nana & i said yes.

i talked with the nurses & my uncle & everyone said it was the medication transition, but it seemed like much more to me, but what do i know....

i've been back to see her, more than usual, she's improved some, but nowhere near where she was before the appt. i don't know if it's the morphine or if the tumor has become active.

it's taken some arm twisting but my uncle is finally on-board with getting hospice involved. i'd hoped beings he contact the dr's office to inquire about the hospice he'd let them know about nana's declining health but he didn't. i don't know what he's waiting for, but i know i'm always half-sprung & looking for something to obsess over. this is most definitely it.

well, the job thing too, but i'm not getting into that now. that's another corner of this blog & my brain....

we're almost to the year on my dad's passing, the timing has me worried.

survived the camping

we came home on the 38 & it was WAY easier drive than the 18. oh, i forgot to mention we initially tried to go up the 330 but it was closed. there wasn't much for traffic & there were tons of pulls out & all the slow drivers pulled over so faster drivers could pass, it was a fab drive down the hill. not only that, we were pretty much at the bottom of it when i thought about putting in in neutral & coasting, the car got over 45mpg, the highest it's ever gotten - whoohoo!

at best it's been about 32mpg & i thought that was great, that alone was keeping me from getting a new car [never mind not having a job to pay for one....]. although my body was not happy with all the crap food we'd eaten the car stopped at A&W, i couldn't help it.
burger, yes, fries, yes, rootbeer float, hell ya!
we had to complete the weekend appropriately right?

we made it home, unpacked & set our clothing on fire. well, i was tempted....with my clothing at least....the yoga pants i had put on night 1 never came off my body until we returned home. ok, they came off for a couple of minutes while i changed my chonies, i HAD to change those....then the pants went right back on for an extra layer that i had to have.

i exfoliated & facialed, showered & omg finally shaved mah legs! surprisingly one of the things i was most worried about wasn't a problem; i am old & i don't get greasy hair, well, not like i used to. greasy for normal people but not for me.
& that night i slept. i was warm. there were no murdering trucks within a few feet of my head. nor squawking feathered beast.

yah for home!