Thursday, December 27, 2007

confessions of a hormone junkie

so my md took me off my depo shot & put me on a 3 week on 1 week of form of b/c. because I hate my period so much she said I could use 3 back to back (9 weeks of hormones, 1 week off). So I did that, but then they wanted me to quit cold turkey. But the first week would have been when we went to Chicago & that wasn't going to happen. I was not going to drive to the airport, fly to Chicago, spend a week with the in-laws, fly back, drive home from the airport sans hormones & be on my period – that was just not going to happen. Trust me, everyone is happier, the city of Chicago, the people on the plane, B's family, I'm looking out for everyone's best interest here, I'm so not being selfish.

I've been off all lab produced hormones for about 2 weeks now & I'm going crazy. The ones my body produces just aren't enough. The other night I dreamt B & I were living at my mom's & he was about to get in the shower but for some reason he was standing there talking to me in all his nakedness. Then I hear my mom coming home & I start freaking out & I'm telling him he's got to hurry up & get in the shower, but he doesn't understand what the big deal is. So I'm frantic now & tell him my mom can't know that I've seen my husband naked.

Yesterday I had another migraine – are you counting? That makes 4 in about a 9 week timeframe. Yup has everything to do with hormonal fluctuations because previous to the past 6 months, I MAYBE had 1 a year, if that. When I woke up, all I wanted was some salt, don't know why, but that was it. The best thing I could think of was cheap-ass nachos, like you get at the movies. The paper thin corn chips that have more salt than chip & fake orange cheese, sounded just great. (as a side note, the only other time I've craved such a thing I was pregnant, & if that's the case, it's the md's fault & she must pay for such a heinous crime.) well, we didn't have any of that, so I settled for lemon with about a tablespoon of salt on it. When I was done with that, I still wanted more salt, yeah, popcorn baby. I'm not sure what the deal is with wanting movie-type food but I wanted the lab created ooze "all you can eat butter" & super salty stale movie theater type popcorn. We did have some popcorn, but it was the healthy crap, dry & certainly not enough salt on it. I was ok for about an hour, than I started not feeling good again. I needed Z to stop moving, then stop talking, then stop making sounds.

I realized I was being cranky so I went back to bed & had one of the most craziest dreams ever (so take a few bong hits before reading below).

B was a shark (don't ask me to explain, because I don't get it either) but he was a shark ok & he was a naughty bad boy shark. I don't know what I was, I wasn't human though, I was some sort of sea creature & I wanted that naughty shark. So I managed to get his attn with my wily girly sea creature ways then I woke up & realized I was holding my breath (because we were getting shark/sea creature freaky underwater – duh), then once I woke up a little more I realized my shoulders & arms were sore & achy (from all the swimming).

No straight person has dreams like that!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

a few things about work

friday night was our Christmas dinner. wasn't bad, steak dinner, a few drinks, then the bar scene that later i wasn't able to determine if was real or a dream. i have very vivid dreams so that's not totally unusal, the bar scene was unusal though & i woke up all night long asking myself "did that really happen?" at the bar was a man dressed as a woman, not that strange (or maybe for these parts) but anyways, i now know that this man doesn't have testicles & that's all i'm gonna say about that.

i know Christmas isn't about the gifts & whatever gifts you get you should appreciate & it's the thought that counts not the item itself, but i have to share this one. the gift from my boss was..."that was easy"...can you guess, yes, it was a staple's easy button. the sad part is he thought it was a legitimate gift, not a gag gift. if it was a joke, i would appreciate it for that, but the fact that he thinks he did a really good thing, that he took the time to wrap it & make a big deal about presenting it to me, is just wrong.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Z's play

Z's play was cute, something about a penquin, but completely incoherent. he did the intro & did it well. surprising because it was someone else's part but they were absent, so he only practiced it that morning. his presentation was cute, he'd say a few words, then look over to the left at us & smile, then say a few more words...pause, look to the left, smile...then started to walk away, then walked back..."enjoy the play", look to the left & smile one more time...

this was unexpected so i only got a couple of pics & wasn't able to get the camera in video mode. the play went on & i knew his part was towards the end, so i waited to start recording. once i started recording the play seems to drag on & on & i'm about to stop recording when Z finally walks up to the mic to say his part & just then the camera says "memory card full"...damn the luck!

how many toes does a fish have? is part of the song they sang & he mumbles occasionally

Thursday, December 20, 2007

why i’m so pissy today

no the damn portrait did not get taken last night....

i went to get my haircut after work & was hoping the new 'do would make the portrait happening all that much better (being fully unaware that i would arrive home in tears). she's cut my hair before, was completely aware that i'm growing it out, i told her to cut off the bottom 1/2 inch to even out with the top layer, like a bob but not completely even like an egyptian, some texturing was ok.

i take off my glasses & let her cut, then i notice (although it's blurry) that she's cutting like a good inch or more off that top layer, but what can i do because it's not the 1st cut she's made so all i can do is sit in the chair as my stomach turns & wonder what the heck i'm going to end up with knowing whatever it is, it's not what i want, it's not what i asked for.

when she finishes & i put my glasses on i see layers, yup a whole lot of fricken LAYERS - she cut off about 2 years worth of growth. then she says it's a little shorter than you wanted but i think this is going to work really well for your hair. i didn't ask for something that works well for my stupid hair, nothing works well for it, i asked for a bob, everyone knows what a bob is, it has NO LAYERS!

i would have been better off putting a bowl on my head & letting B have a go at it - or Z for that matter! so the hair that was almost to my neck is now about 2 inches long, thanks...

i felt dumb for crying because i knew there was nothing i could do (or she could for that matter) that would change it, but i was so disappointed & mad. i know it's just hair, it will grow back, no one's hurt or anything like that, i guess if this is the only thing to cry about my life is good.

i'm still pissed though & i'm not getting my hair cut for the next 5 years! so when it looks like straw you know why....

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

made some goo

the Sunday afternoon baking extravaganza rounded out with the following: oatmeal cookies with peanut butter/chocolate chips & walnuts, almond crescents, traditional Christmas sugar cookies, lemon bars, rugalach & some goo.

i can't call it by it's name for 2 reasons, most importantly i can't remember the name, but also (as B who was so quickly to point out) it didn't turn out right, so i don't have the liberty to call it by it's rightful name, so it shall be referred to as "goo".

the "goo" was a simple recipe on the sweetened condensed milk label: crushed graham cracker & butter for a crust, then pour the condensed milk, layer coconut, chocolate chips, nuts, bake until brown - simple enough right? well, i still managed to screw it up...betty crocker i am not

my crust didn't set, i didn't have bars, i had goo - but it is unquestionably the MOST AWESOME GOO EVER! B was quick to rain on my parade, "wonder why it didn't set, maybe you used too much of the condensed milk" you know, it's a REALLY rare occasion that I follow a recipe (i consider them more of a guideline), but seriously how could you screw up above?

anyways, so when i made the platters to share for work folk, the goo ended up just being shoveled w/a spoon & left to its own devices, it didn't look pretty but so what. last night while we prepped dinner B & i had a few spoonfuls of goo (yeah he talks shit, but still eats the goo) then Z says "save some for me" & i tell him "i'll try baby, it's only an 11x13 pan, but i'll try".

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

one of my favorite things to do:

get drunk & go shopping:

just don't want to..

I just don't want to do anything, don't want to go anywhere. I'm not sad or anything I just don't want to do anything.

Last night we were supposed to take our Christmas portraits in front of the tree. Well, let me correct that, we were supposed to do it all last week once we got the tree up & it never happened, then we were supposed to do it over the weekend, that didn't happen either, so we were supposed to do it last night, but I still didn't want to, so it still hasn't happened – nor am I upset about it….

At about 6:00 I convinced Z to play a game of "pretend to take a nap" sounds like fun huh? I curled up in bed & he organized the blankets on top of me, then he organized them again, then a little more, maybe it was five times, hopping around like a little bunny on crack…finally he settled down & he talks & talks & talks some more. The child has more energy at any given time than I ever have had in my entire life. I think we should change his middle name to Nuclear…hmm…Nuclear Reactor…Nuclear Energy…I'll have to discuss with B….

The "pretend to take a nap" game ended up being just a tease with the energetic kid so I got up & put on my jammies, yeah at 6:30, no portraits happening again.

Then Z asked what was I going to do, because I always have a list of crap I gotta do. But I didn't want to do anything so I said I was going to "turn into a pile of goo" & he questioned "your going to play with a pile of poo?" – that made me lol.

This morning was kinda gloomy, got my hopes up that it might rain. Dark, gloomy heavy rain for days would be awesome. I love the rain. I even opened up the blinds at the office, welcoming the dark clouds "come over HERE!!!" The blinds are usually closed to block out the fire balls the sun shoots out in the summer or the frozen air (not enough moisture in the air for snow) in the winter. But the clouds aren't coming this way, they're dissipating & the darned sun is coming out.

Thank goodness I don't have anything to do here at work really. If someone told me I had some work to do I would probably tell them to kiss my ass, I'm done for the year.

Monday, December 17, 2007

locked out of ghetto house

locked out might not be the right phrase, it wasn't on accident, it wasn't on purpose, but I was unable to get inside my house & the door was open. Let me backtrack & give you a little detail about the ghetto house…

I'm not putting down the town, I'm not putting down the neighborhood when I say "ghetto house" – I'm straight out talkin bout da house itself. For many years the house was a rental, the walls have many shotty repair jobs, the backyard is a sandlot with weeds & piles of dog poop (I don't know what L's deal is, but as soon as I clean it all up she must poop again; I guess she's claiming her yard, so there's always at least 1 fresh pile of poop in the yard).

Anyways, we've had many people tell us about our party house (seriously the avis rental chick told B "oh, I've been to lots of parties here" when she dropped him off) & we've even had a friend of a friend tell us he lost his virginity in our living room (how quaint) & about how the police would park on the street that's behind our backyard wall & shine their flashlights over the fence to look for underage drinkers!

the kitchen has a sliding glass door to the backyard & if you've been to the house, you've seen how Z has meticulously decorated the glass with hundreds of stickers & return address labels. We knew from day one the door was crap & let Z have some fun with it. The sand from the backyard has destroyed the rollers at the bottom of the door, so you have to pick it up basically to move it open or closed. Z uses the other door because he can't open/close this one.

One day last week I went in the backyard to do something & because it's freezing outside, I closed the door behind me – bad mistake…can you guess what happened…yeah, I couldn't open the fricken door to get back inside!!!!!! It was open, I could put my arm inside but I couldn't move the door! So there I am, in my own back yard, stuck. So I holler for B, but I know he's in his alternate world (ie, playing his computer game) & he's got headphones on (to tune out reality as much as possible). So I whine "BBBBB!!!!", then start thinking I'm going to have to go over to the computer room & break the window in order to get his attention so I can come inside.

But thankfully he heard me…yeah…I got to come inside where it was warm.

Being helpless sucks!

Monday, December 10, 2007

weekend wrap up

we made it down to town, but didn't get portraits taken

i've officially California-ized B, he eats (& likes) real sushi (see Sho's Garlic Salmon bowl entry below) & on Saturday he bought his 1st pair of Vans. i hate to admit it, but he didn't even KNOW what Vans were until his late 20s, a shame, i know...but i love him & it only took me like 10 years to convert him.

A Z story: out of nowhere Z says that Lady is an adult. i explained to him that L is actually younger than he is, we got her when we moved to the house here, she's almost 2 years old & that he is 5. he said "but she has brown eyes, so she's an adult" - obviously there's no disputing that logic.

One more for Z: lately he's been saying "Chaa" just a funny little sound, so as we were shopping we were "Chaa"-ing back & forth, then he calls me "ChaaChaaMomma"

Sunday, December 9, 2007

yeah, the time is near

I can tell…normally I don't even care for sweet stuff, just isn't my thing, but lately I've noticed the cravings getting worse & worse. Now I'm like a crack addict looking to score my next hit & when I get it, boy is that sugar high GOOD!

PMS isn't easy…

We picked up some danish at costco, you know cheese filled danish. On Sunday morning B brought out a plate for everyone for breakfast, but it was just too early for me. Z didn't like the cheese (not sure he's mine after all) so B took his leftovers. Then I hollered at B "PUT THE CHEESE DOWN" he knew it was a life threatening situation, so he listened (smart man). He doesn't know how lucky he is that I haven't eaten the cheese centers out of the entire tray & just left the bread behind! i'm exercising a ton of self control here...

Friday, December 7, 2007

list for B

B's been down in SD this week, so before he left i gave him a list of places to go & things to pick up:

Henry's/Boney's/Trader Joe's - whatever, just one of those stores for dried apricots & cranberries, pine nuts & raw almonds

Fish store - our fish tank has hit a low, we only have 2 fish, 1 shrimp, a couple of hermit crabs & 3 snails. the snails are predators, i'm glad they can't escape the tank. i used to think they were really cool because they have like a probiscus thing & when they go under the sand they shoot that up & can basically smell when i put food in the tank & come out to eat. when our last fish died not only did these snails feast on him (i know, that's what they are supposed to do) but they violated the fish with their probiscus. it was a quite a lesson in the circle of life for Z, i was scarred by it. for days Z kept on asking me to put the dead fish back in the tank so he could watch them eat!

butcher shop - to pick up some good steaks

we'll see what he comes home with...

UPDATE - work got in the way of personal shopping, B made it to the fish store, but their supplies were limited. he also made it to the butcher shop, however the steaks were $17/lb!!! no steak for momma, darn it....

Daily Tantrum

instead of doing a daily photo entry, i'm thinking about making a daily tantrum entry, so everyone can enjoy the perplexities of my life...

this morning started out well, then as i was blow drying my hair & the antsy dog was trying to figure out what she was supposed to be doing (she loves being inside but has no idea what she's supposed to do, so she's constantly walking around on checking everyone making sure they're doing whatever they're supposed to be doing) & her anxiety bothers me so i hollered at her to "go lay down like a normal dog" as the blow dryer is going & as soon as i stop talking i hear noise. screaming, shouting, ear piercing, stream of noise from Z's room. absolutely, completey incoherent, but could tell by the tone it wasn't pain, it was pissed off. thankfully the blow dryer was so close to my head otherwise my ears probably would have been bleeding.

i go ask Z what caused his outburst & explain to him whatever it was that he said i didn't hear because i had the blow dryer on & the voice he used was in a tone too high for humans to comprehend. instead of repeating what he said he hollered back at me "you did understand! you did understand!" so i walked away.

then he walked back into my bedroom & announced that he was going to take his darth vador toy to school (which i have told him repeatedly ain't gonna happen). he started to argue with me so i sent him to the corner for a few minutes.

when he came out of the corner he continued to argue with me about something else so i sent him back to the corner & when he threw a tantrum about it i told him the longer he took to get to that corner the longer he would be in the corner & started counting! at about 6 he started to run

after his 2nd round of corner time before 7:30am his demeanor changed. we'll see how he is at the end of the day.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

oh the horror

this morning Z threw a fit because his blue eyes looked green - to have such problems!

oh, today was my last scheduled counseling session. i'm thrilled to announce we both agreed things have been going so well that it is no longer needed - hear that??? it's a sigh of relief!!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

trying to help

because we've been on the go quite a bit lately we spent this past weekend cleaning up the house. yeah – we, B helped, or tried to help…

he chose to sweep/mop & do bathrooms. so I gathered all the bathroom cleaning gear & explained to him the powder & brush were for the tub, use the funny spout thing & toilet brush for the toilet, use the spray stuff & the sponge on the counter & sink.

he starting sweeping while i worked on the fish tank. i had to go out to the garage for something & inadvertently found my missing turkey baster in one of his tool boxes. you know the missing turkey baster that no one knows where it's at. so i walked to the bathroom to ask him about said turkey baster & find him with his hands in the toilet. no gloves, using Z's tub brush.

all concerns about the turkey baster were gone & he knew from the look on my face whatever i came there for originally, no longer matter. i tried to cover it up, I tried to talk about the turkey baster, but he knew that i was on a higher level about something. So trying not to spin i asked as calmly as i could "why aren't you using the toilet brush?" & he simply says "oh, I forgot" but it's RIGHT THERE & NOW YOU HAVE YOUR HAND IN A TOILET!!!!! i don't care that it's our toilet & that I cleaned it last weekend, it's still a toilet! i would have to have a full body hazmat suit along with a face mask to stick my hand in a toilet, yes, even my own toilet.

- on the walmart list a new tub brush

then later in the day, he's preparing the tenderloin for dinner & i see he's taken it out of the package & it's laying in the kitchen sink. that would be the same sink the earlier in the day i used to dispose of water from the fish tank & other things but had not had the chance to spray with bleach yet.
i tell him he shouldn't have the meat sitting in there, so what does he do? he takes it out & puts it on the counter. no plate, no pan, no cling wrap, no foil, just there on the counter. the next time i walk in the kitchen it's on the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen. i'm sure he also rolled it on the floor a few times & maybe used it somewhere along the line while he was cleaning the bathroom…

Monday, December 3, 2007

flex Fridays

i'm so going to miss flex Fridays whenever it is that we do move away from here. not only is it a 3 day weekend, more importantly it's a school day for Z! don't get me wrong, i know it sounds rather heartless, but IT'S A FREE DAY, sometimes even B has to work & i get a day of ME time. not that it's an exciting day...usually involves things like a bath so hot it turns my skin red, gorging on martha stewart & home & garden magazines, a facial, plucking my eyebrows (not just the thick ones growing halfway down my eyelid!), maybe even a mani/pedicure.

so on friday, B does me the favor of taking Z to school so i can stay in bed & when Z comes to kiss me before leaving for the day he says "are you going to stay in this bed ALL DAY LONG?" it was only 7:45am, it's not like it was noon & that attitude...hello???...don't i deserve a bit of a break

i was taken aback by the question, so it took me a minute to think of a response because a simple "no" wouldn't suffice, so i explained "in a little while i'm going to get up & lay on the sofa for the rest of the day". he didn't have a response for that.

it rained that day, dark & gloomy, loved it. i did get out of bed so i could lounge on the sofa & enjoy the rain. we had a quiet weekend. Z laughed a lot.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

been caught

I've been seriously busy at work the past couple of weeks, which is highly unusual. I've taken to writing my blogs in word, then copying them over to myspace when I have time, & the posts have been spotty at best, even though I've had stuff to write about. Oh well, such is life, I guess I do have to work for my paycheck after all…

Anyways, corporate recently sent out a e-mail saying they're installing new software to limit our access to non-work related (ie, fun) websites. I wasn't aware of how stringent the software would be & not only that but I sometimes have an extra 6 or 7 free hours a day, so what the heck am I supposed to do if I can't go to non-work related websites - come on!

So Mon I'm working on purchasing (where I have to log onto corporate's server) & because I can't access my local server at the same time & working on corporate's server is horrendously slow, I typically multi-task & do some "internet research" at the same time.

I'll read over to see if there's anything interesting there. Then go to a friend's blog but she hadn't updated it recently. I went to another blog that M recommended to me It's a fun site, she writes about life with her husband & her difficult child, so I can relate, but when I tried to open the site I got a pop-up error saying "this site is not work related, it's classified as PORN" – are you kidding me??? Yeah, there's some foul language on there, but no naked bodies, ugh!

So is my corporate headquarters getting a report saying I was looking up PORN at 8:30in the morning???? Here's my routine - I get to work, log on to the computer, sit down & watch porn while drinking my coffee & answering the phone – yup, that's just fricken GREAT! I'm sure they're keeping that one in there back pocket so they can fire me one day….

Update 12/7/07 - so i confessed to my boss this morning about my porn habit at work ( i figured it would be laughable if i told him, questionable if corporate sent out some sort of a report. he did laugh, although he didn't know what a blog is.

Sho's Garlic Salmon Bowl

The yummiest sushi EVER – even if you don't care for raw fish Sho makes the most delectable dish of raw salmon slices you wouldn't be able to turn it away (even B thought it was great & he only eats sissy rolls).

While down in Orange Cty we went out to dinner with D & A to have sushi. I was getting a migraine so I wasn't even sure I could eat; but once Sho put out that big ole bowl, I knew I couldn't turn it away. If I was going to throw it up later, so be it, I was at least going to enjoy it for a short time!

It's a simple dish, bite size chunks of the freshest salmon (he cuts it from the fish right in front of you – no frozen chunks), a brown sauce (like soy, but different), whole pieces of garlic & chives. Seriously, if I'm ever on death row, this will be my final meal.

Monday, November 19, 2007


we went down to Knott's Berry farm on Friday & Z had a few completely new experiences...first he found out what it's like to be early. yeah, i know at 5 1/2 years old, it shouldn't be that new, but it is. combine my hispanic nature to take my time along w/B's procrastination & yes, as a matter of fact, it did take that many years for our child to experience early.

we stood out in front for probably 20 minutes & every couple of minutes Z would ask "why won't they let us in?" because he just couldn't get his arms around the whole concept of being somewhere before it opened! it was monumental, i mean we showered & even had a sit down breakfast & still managed to be there before it opened...never mind that it didn't open until 10am...

the next new experience was also a lesson for B & I. never believe a 5 year old when they say the are ready to get on a big rollercoaster, their minds can NOT process what is truly about to happen, they also do not understand that the ride can NOT just stop when they want it to, lastly, as a parent i have learned, watch the ride before you agree to get on & take your small child with you...when they say "take off your glasses" get the f off!

we took Z on sidewinder, it was the 1st trip of the morning so we didn't know what to expect, he said he wanted to go on it, it was right next to camp snoopy so who would have known what we were getting ourselves into. for the record, it's not that bad of a rollercoaster, what's bad is the fricken carts spin around & we didn't know THAT.
we went up, up, up & the whole time i'm telling Z how fun it's going to be & suddenly we start spinning around & i can't help but scream while Z is yelling "make it stop, i want to get off now!" so i'm trying to stop screaming & trying to keep him calm & tell him it will just take a minute for the ride to stop...needless to say, Z & I did not get on any more big rollercoasters for the day, that was enough...

no, we aren't stalkers

Before we went to the SM house we stopped & grabbed one of our favorites – shrimp burrito – YUM! Good size shrimp, some rice but not too much, green & red cabbage, sour cream, hot sauce & some lime – are you drooling yet? Then we parked in front of our house (although someone else lives there), ate our yummy burritos & listened to 94.9. Ahhhhh…..

I joked that we should have gone & ate in the backyard to enjoy the scenery (because the tenant was supposed to be gone) & then a few minutes later he walked out!!!

No, really we're not stalkers hanging out in front of your house!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

a few Z stories to share

Saturday was the Marine Corp Ball. As we were getting ready Z asked where were we going & if he could come. I told him he couldn't, this was just for adults & explained at the ball we would have dinner, dance & talk. Then he interrupted me & said "then you play ball?" HAHA!

As we drove down to SD Z told us a story about the Bungabooda people. They live & walk up in the trees. When they decide to come down, they jump down & land on snakes & squash them. Then they cut up the snakes & cook them & put them in fresh water to eat like soup.

At the SM house we visited neighbors Michael, Julianna, Evan & new addition M. E is just a few months older than Z. He was born with a hole in his heart, but thankfully doctors have been able to fix his heart & he is normal in everyway. Well, ok, not every way, he's a genius. We talked about the boys & how they like kindergarten, they said E wasn't enjoying going over his ABCs so they had to put him in a private school & at home they are going over multiplication & division – with a 5 year old!

As we were leaving E hollered at us "I'll be 6 in April" & Z responded with "Bye April" that pretty much sums up their differences I think.

Z has started using the past tense & he just adds "ed" to every word. it's fricken hilarious…stopped-ed, closed-ed, ate-ed. I try not to laugh, try not to encourage it, try to correct him no matter how cute I think it is; I know some little bastard on the playground is going to start making fun of him so I have to teach him now how to speak properly.

I answered my work phone a few minutes ago & said "asked-ed" – crap, now I'm doing it too

military notes

We make attempts to not let the military infiltrate our lives but it always finds a way to creep in here & there.

We found out a little over a week ago that it's possible we may be relocated in the next few months. We had hoped to slip through the cracks & simply retire here, although we knew a remote chance existed that the monitor may have his eye on us (well B really, Z & I are just baggage). If they decide to move us, it's more than likely either Pendleton or to North Carolina; so they could get one more deployment out of B before his 20 years is up. I'll keep ya updated on that one.

We had a good time at the ball this year...maybe it's because we knew what to expect, maybe it's because we knew more people, who knows, but we had fun. I danced to Oingo Boingo with Gouda & laughed a lot with Carrie.

There was one bad thing – the face; I didn't see it but B did & he didn't tell me until after we left. Although I've been a military wife for a few years, I'm pretty sheltered about their ways (yes their's, not mine). Evidently one of the wives, whom I mistakenly thought was a friend, made a face when she realized my husband was enlisted, not an officer. Oh the horror she must have felt to have associated with such trash!

update 01/10/07 - still no word, so all is well

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

the black cuk

the other day we all went to the commissary & when we were leaving we saw it - the black cuk. When Z first learned to speak he couldn't say truck, he said cuk. there it was, just pulled into the parking lot, B's old black truck. B said as soon as we walked outside he heard it & recognized it. we all just stared at it, that's our cuk.

the man who owns the truck is older, walks with a cane, has disabled plates. he probably thought something was wrong with us as the whole family just looked longingly at his truck.

it's like the truck reminded us of our former selves, a link to our past, when things were different, priorities were different, our lives were different.

Monday, November 5, 2007


The counselor suggested I try an anti-depressant to help my outlook on things.
I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, in the contest of who's unhappier here I'm not sure I'm in the lead but I was willing to try anything that might help us. The MD that gave me the prescription warned me that the 1st week things would be really weird as my body adjusted to the medication, that I might lose a little water weight & that if I smoked I would probably lose the craving.

The first few days were more than weird, I was a zombie. It was like my brain wasn't working, it was empty of thought, I was barely able to speak. I could answer a question but I couldn't hold up my end of a conversation because I couldn't think of anything to say. B & I went out for dinner & joked about how I either was going to start drooling or my head was going to fall in my plate. I should have recognized this was a bad match right away but I was determined to give it a fair shot & continued taking the pills.

I was also sleeping less, only 2 to 3 hours a night but felt fine; which is unusual for me because I prefer to sleep 9 or 10 hours. I also noticed my stomach was feeling strange so I was eating light foods. On the 10th day of taking the medication I checked in with the MD & she gave me a lower dose of the medication. I had lost 4 lbs in those 10 days.

By that afternoon I realized food disgusted me. The smell, taste and texture was vile. I had spent the last few days on liquids. I could hear my stomach growling for food but felt no hunger pains. I tried to force myself to eat & although the first couple of bites brought relief to my stomach I began to gag on the food; repulsed by it, the back of my mind thinking how gross it was. I was so weak from barely eating & sleeping I could hardly stand. I did not take another pill after that.

A few months later I visited the MD for something else & she asked how things were going with the anti-depressant & I told her I stopped taking them because they had made me anorexic. She replied with "oh, you had a depressed appetite?" Ummm, it was a little more than that…

Thursday, November 1, 2007

this is Halloween

Z's school had a little shin dig yesterday for Halloween, so B & I went.
The teacher had setup different arts & crafts tables & somehow or another i managed to get stuck at the skeleton assembly table while B went around with Z. i'm not sure what the teacher was thinking...skeletons for 5 year was a bit much for the kids & for me.

the other tables had things like making monster hands with candy corn & popcorn and, well, i don't know what the rest of the tables had beings i was stuck with skeletons & was in a constant frantic rush assembling them for the kids who were unable to do it themselves (ie, all of them!). after about an hour i was done, enough partying for me, i've been the involved parent, can i go back to work & do nothing now?

Z's Frankenstein costume turned out well - my hap-hazard sewing added charm to the black pants & jacket that i made for him. i also made big ugly green feet for him to wear over his shoes although he wasn't able to wear them for the entire evening; they kept on sliding down & getting in the way as he walked.
he had a fun night getting candy, but i think his favorite part is handing it out still, he loves to see everyone's costumes.

Monday, October 29, 2007

too much

so last week was just a little more than i could handle. i was down & out with strep, B was out of town so i had to take care of Z by myself & on sunday we drove down to LA for my uncle's funeral. i wasn't aware of the fires that were starting all over SoCal. there was a small fire at the 15/215 junction that turned the freeway into a parking lot, so we ended up missing the wake, but at least we would be there for the funeral the next morning.

i met my mom, aunt & cousin in LA & we got rooms at the same hotel. the next morning as we were getting dressed my mom's friend called to let her know my mom's area of RB was being evacuated. i felt overwhelmed, i can't imagine what my mom felt. a few minutes later my phone rang & it was my neighbor from our SM house, she said our area was safe but the winds had knocked a tree over in our yard. i don't know how but my mom really held it together, maybe she was in shock.

we drove to the church & i saw family members i hadn't seen in years. it was sad that my uncle's death is what it took to bring us together. my mom even talked to my nana, finally. my aunt & cousin wouldn't, still, family dynamics can be so dumb!

after the church there was a huge funeral procession from La Puente residential district up to the city of Azusa then on the freeway over to Glendale. It was very strange to be guided by the cops & the way they protected the procession. the funeral was on a steep hill & Z jumped & danced on someone's grave.

after the funeral we left LA. when i got on the 15 the winds were really strong, then i suddenly came to a stop & was in a parking lot again. i was too far north to pull over, there was no where to go. i found out the 15 was closed due to fires. my mom & i called each other checking in as she wasn't sure if she could go home or what she would find. B was also calling trying to find out what he could on the news & the net.

my mom made it home about 4:30, she said they took back roads into RB. i later found out she wasn't supposed to be there, the area was still evacuated. about the same time the 15 opened up & i was moving. by this time i had a bad migraine & my legs were cramping from the constant gas/clutch/break. thankfully Z slept almost the entire drive - my saving grace!

only when i got home did i realize how bad the fires were. i can't imagine how it must feel to lose everything.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

my turn for strep

on Thursday morning it hurt to talk. after dropping Z off at school i went in to medical so they could take a sample of my throat culture (doesn't that sound nice?). the nurse was nice enough, but it took her several tries to get the sample & she had to use the big popsicle stick & made me gag. she said it would take a few days to grow the culture - ick, so they would get back to me next week.

within half an hour of getting home the nurse called & said the dr wanted to see me, so i was back on my way to medical. she gave me the once over & also attempted to look down my throat & gagged me. then she says "wow, your tongue really is swollen" - i guess that's why they called me back. she said she also saw pus (GROSS) at the back of my throat so she was going to put me on penicillin & give me motrin to reduce the swelling!

it's now Tuesday, i never received a phone call from the dr confirming the strep, but i still feel like hell...

update - turns out it wasn't strep, just a bad case of swollen tongue i guess

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

fun evening

in an effort to infuse our lives with a little fun, last night after picking up Z from his afternoon school we went to the library (yeah, i know we are living it up!). Z picked out 3 books on sharks/sea creatures, seems to really be into that stuff lately, wasn't even interested in dinosaurs this time. then to spice things up we picked up "mexdonalds" for dinner (that's how Z says it, i'm sure he's not insinuating there's a high proporation of hispanic workers there, but i still think it's damn funny).

when we get home we find Lady has had our grim reaper halloween decoration for a snack. there he lay on the floor, his robe ripped off, one arm missing & the other boney hand gone. i found the boney hand in many pieces on the floor, evidently L thoroughly enjoyed it thinking it was a real bone. great, now i'll have nightmares about the robeless, 1 armed no hand having grim reaper coming down the hallway looking for his shit!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

creeping crud

for the past few nights i've noticed my throat was a little irriated, but last night i woke up several types & it hurt. this morning i've got a deep voice - remember when phoebe on friends had the deep sultry sick voice - yup got that.

thanks Z! maybe i should take a swig of his penicillin...

Sunday, October 14, 2007

RIP Uncle Ralph

last friday my mom called & told me uncle ralph was in the hospital - kidney & liver failure & things didn't look good.

on saturday we drove down to LA & visited uncle in icu. although he was in rough shape, he held my hand & made exceptional efforts to talk to me. we also got to visit with nana whom we hadn't seen in 2 years. during the course of the week uncle ralph's health improved, he was put on a list for a liver transplant & they were talking about releasing him out of the hospital.

tonight his kidneys failed again. they made 2 attempts to help him but both had negative effects which ended up being too much for his body to handle. about an hour ago, he died.

RIP Uncle Ralph, you will be missed & fondly remembered.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


2 weeks ago we took Z to the dr because he said his peepee hurt & he was running a fever. i assumed he had a uti, they ran test but said most likely he was just fighting some sort of viral infection. the fever went away after 2 days, then he had a cough & for the past couple of days has had a croupy cough.

yesterday evening the dr he went to calls the house & says she's been on vacation, but that she got his test results back & he testing positive for strep - wtf? 2 fricken weeks ago! nobody else had the sense to call? hello, he goes to public school! we went to the hospital last weekend & visited my uncle in icu!

B has him at the dr's office now to run another test & verify it's strep - or the dr's silver lining "that he's just a carrier" - ain't that great, do ya know how many people we've been in contact with over the past 2 weeks?

anyone want to come to my house to play? we're only slightly contagious...

9:15 update - yup, it's strep, poor little guy!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

hurting head

so as it turns out yesterday i did have a migraine - it wasn't just my boss pissing me off & the report not co-operating with me....

at 4:50pm in addition to the hurting head, i was suddenly nauseous & i could smell thermal fax paper. i know most people can't smell thermal fax paper (or know what it is for that matter - before plain paper fax machines, the roll paper) but i can & it makes me feel icky. anyways, i knew i had to leave, things were going to get ugly & no sense sticking around here & having witnesses to the ugliness, whichever form it was going to take.

so i went home & rested on the uncomfortable sofa. when B came home i asked him to make me mashed potatos. comfort food for when you don't feel well - a bowl of mashed potatos with extra butter & a heaping portion of cheddar cheese.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

holiday spirit

now that my mother is a grandmother, she has decided that holidays are really important & it is my responsibility as a parent to make sure my child is fully aware of them. in the middle of sept she called to find out what Z was going to be for Halloween. i thought i was on my toes because just asking him about what he wanted to be was in the back of my head - it was supposed to already have been decided! does she realize how quickly a 5 year old changes his mind? we could have 60 costumes by the end of October!

so Z & I go to walmart to pick up some more Halloween crap i mean decorations, & browse costumes. then i get the bright idea of making ghosts & buy some material for that. Z decided to pick up a Frankenstein mask. as of right now i think were sticking with that, but i have to make him some pants for the outfit.

on sunday evening i decide it's time to be creative & make our ghosts. so Z & i sit at the dining room table (where all craft projects take place & little eating happens), cut our material, then use shredded paper to form the head. i make sure Z is pleased with the head size before moving on while he cuts out eyes & a mouth from black construction paper. his mouth was about the size of my arm & he REFUSED to make it any smaller, absolutely positive it was the right size - no point in arguing that one.

so while he works on his ghost i decide to cut the skirt of mine to make it all whispy, then he decides he wants his the same yet won't do it himself. i try to explain that it's his ghost, that he can't mess it up, but he only makes a few cuts then asks me to finish the rest. i finish up my ghost, then his ghost & he comes by periodically to check on the status & he tells me "good job momma" & even gives me a thumbs up.

so i'm feeling particularily proud of myself (just for an ever so brief moment), yeah, i'm doing a good mommy thing, i'm kicking martha stewart's ass on the crafty thing, then he tells me "you didn't drop anything on the floor"

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

how to become a boss

how does one go about becoming a boss?

is there some sort of in-aptitude test?

is it just having the ability to recognize other's abilities so they can do the actual work?

with the exception of my boss at taylormade, all the rest have been clueless...(& i'm being gentle with that!)

Monday, October 1, 2007

taking Z to work

Z was sick on Thursday & Friday. On Thurs B was able to stay home with him, but had to work on Fri. Unfortunately there were things I had to do Fri morning at work too. Luckily Z wasn't feeling too bad, just a slight fever, so I decided he was up for the outing.

I packed up the laptop, put in a looney tunes dvd, brought along the leapad, a juice box & we were off. I set him up at my desk watching bugs bunny, juice box strawed & found a bag of cheerios in my desk for him to munch on & he was good to go.

My work took much longer than I expected (not to mention my boss giving me a bunch more that had to be completed that day) so after bugs, after a little leapad work, after a little online gaming Z was bored; it had been 3 hours so I couldn't blame him.

He decided to sit on my lap & watch me work & he said "wow, you really work hard Momma" & I said something about how I was sorry this wasn't as much fun as when he goes to work with Poppa & he replied "yeah, when I go to work with Poppa we just go around talk to everybody" - CLASSIC!

Sunday, September 30, 2007

about me

this is a work in progress:

* i've lived in california my entire life
* my parents were migrant workers; my father is caucasion, my mom is hispanic
* their divorce was final when i was 6, neither one ever re-married
* i am an only child
* when i was a kid, i wanted an older sister
* i haven't been to any of my class reunions because i wasn't ready to face some of the people that made my childhood/adolescence hell. i think i'm ready to attend my 20 yr though.
* i am a compulsive e-mail checker
* i'm a cancer through & through. i'm emotional, moody, guarded. i have few friends, but those who are, are dear to my heart & i protect them fiercely.
* many people think i'm quiet & shy, that's because they haven't seen the real me.
* when i met B, i had given up on boys, or thought i had.
* i believe B is my soulmate
* i love rain but dislike wind
* my drink of choice is vodka, i dislike beer & wine...sad, i know
* i can not stand cigarette smoke, i can feel my lungs constricting when i smell it
* i have the sensory skills of a bloodhound, it's not a good thing
* i'm horrible at any type of game & all sports
* every car i've ever owned (3) has been a stick shift, i'm worried my next one will have to be automatic beings my options were really limited the last time i got a car.
* i have a thing for stuff made out of glass, i like it very much
* i write right-handed but do pretty much everything else with my left side
* i have traveled to australia & japan
* i have extreme issues about speaking in front of a group
* every night i thank God for the day he's given me, for B, Z, my mom, my nana, my family & friends & everyone's health. & for saving my marriage.

Monday, September 17, 2007

honestly, i didn’t do drugs when i was pregnant

so we're driving home, B & i are talking, about what i don't remember but it has absolutely nothing to do with the following. as our conversation comes to a lul, Z says

"so when you're at the bottom of a lake....pause....and you open your mouth..........longgggg pauseeee...........the fishies.....pause....think your mouth is a you have to close your the fishies don't swim in there."

i have know idea where all that came from, but i related it the toilet scene in trainspotting. if you haven't seen that movie, watch it, it's a great druggie movie.

Friday, September 14, 2007

i'm a girl again...& it sucks

so after being pregnant i went on a form of b/c that stopped my period. life was good not having to worry about such things - packing daily supplies, or going on trips, spending the $$ on supplies, when to not wear white pants - no concerns just go on with life. guys don't have to worry about this crap. but my dr decided 4 years was long enough & i needed to switch b/c, so it's back.

i'm a girl again. i don't like this.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Dinosaur on my ass

so going through the regular morning routine Z passed out a few random hugs, not unusal. then as i'm about to walk out the door i stop to think about something & put my hands on my sides, then kinda slide them down a bit & notice something on the back of my shirt/pants area.
so i reach around & find a puffy dinosaur sticker on my ass (yellow stegosaurous, if you care to be specific).
i don't know what made me stop & put my hands on my sides, but thank goodness i did because i KNOW no one would have told me i had a dinosaur stuck to my ass & i would have gone around all day long thinking the extra attention i was getting was because i was having a good hair day or something!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

9/11 anniversary

the anniversary of 9/11/ you remember where you were when you first heard the news?

i was on my way to work, on the 78 east, taking the exit to 15 south when i switched the radio over to npr when the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower & they announced this was no accident, we were under attack.
the 30 mile drive was strange, every one on the freeway was in shock & disbelief. at work we listened to the radio & checked the internet for updates as the day unfolded. my heart goes out to all those who lost loved ones at this time & in the ensuing wars.

the irony is this day is possibly the day my child was conceived -although Z was born at the end of May, he was early, he was due June 14th.

Monday, August 20, 2007

weird weekend

2 things happened this weekend that I wasn't too happy about:

on Friday night I was felt up (by a woman!), then on Saturday I was asked if I knew what I was expecting (because they thought I was pregnant!)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Z's graduation

here's the story, today Z's preschool had a graduation ceremony. i show up at his school (note the empty parking lot) then go to his unlit room & find the mangled note on the door that the ceremony is at the cafe. I'm already late (as usual) so i rush back to the car, call B (who's just leaving the office) he also thought the ceremony was at the school, so lucky i saved him the trip.

I get to the ceremony to find Z & a couple of other parentless children are at the end of the food line, so he's happy to see me yet torn because he's holding hands with Madeline (the new girlfriend). We get our sandwiches but are unable to locate a table with 3 empty seats so we sit at the kiddie table with a bowl of crayons in the center of it & hope B can locate a chair when he arrives. B arrives shortly thereafter & snags a seat so he can sit with us.

After we eat all the kids are called to the front of the room & line up to get their diplomas & I notice Z & Mrs. Christie talking quite a bit. Then she finally looks up & mouths "he's got to go potty" (great, he waited for now, right before everything starts, he had been sitting in his chair for 10 minutes goofing around & he has to pee NOW!)

B goes & gets him, luckily there's a bathroom right outside & shortly thereafter they return only B tells me Z managed to pee all over his tan shorts. B asks if I have any extra clothes in my car for him (no) so B checks the truck & in the mean time Z has me dry the pee off his leg, foot & shoe (how do they manage?).

Not surprisingly B returns empty handed & he doesn't want to walk Z up to the front of the room. I try to give him the camera while I take Z up there but he doesn't take it. I hand Z off to one of the teachers & she says she'll get him in line to go up on stage. I was MAYBE 4 feet away when they call out his name!

So I'm fumbling with the camera, trying to turn it on, put it on video, wait for the lense to adjust, click the button to start recording (do you feel how everything is taking forever?). I'm mad that I'm missed them saying his name, what's the point of the flipping video if i don't have them calling out his name? I switch the video off & take a few pictures, Z doesn't even stop to present his diploma, he just takes it & walks off stage with his wet shorts.

After handing out the diplomas the kids sang the abc's but Z just looked down. Then they played a song, i don't know why no one sang.

that was it, not exactly what i was anticipating for a rather major milestone...

i hope his 1st day of kindergarten goes better

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

the downside

the downside to things being better, me feeling better is that i'm eating like a fricken ranchhand & have the stomach to prove it...just in time for the beach!

Saturday, August 4, 2007

walmart bathroom

what's the deal with kids & public bathrooms?

Everytime we go to walmart, Z has to use the bathroom. There's only 1 stall & it's never clean, but yet we must visit it every trip. I always ask before we leave the house "are you hungry, are you thirsty, do you need to use the potty?" "No, No, No" is my answer in that little 5 yr old irritated voice.

So last night on a 10 minute walmart run, within minutes of walking inside (just long enough to get to the opposite side of the building from where the bathroom is) he states he needs to use the potty. Geez, we only came here for 2 items & I haven't even gotten 1 of them!

We rush to the bathroom because you never know how much time you have. Then we get in the stall & pulls down his pants & turns around to sit - AHHHHH, NOOO, DON'T SIT!!! He only had to pee, so why he wanted to sit I don't know, but there was crap on the toilet!

So then my tirade begins about how I hate using public bathrooms.....& is now documented for you to enjoy

Sunday, July 29, 2007

to the sky

Z tells me he loves me to the sky. Then he says the sky never ends, it just keeps on going...isn't that the sweetest thing ever from a 5 yr old?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

therapy results

I need to feel appreciated & loved for who I am...repeat...


how far can one bend to please another person before they just break? how much can one change to please another person but still maintain their own persona? why is middle ground still not enough? there is no winning this game

Saturday, July 21, 2007


progress is slow when you make 1 step forward, 2 steps back

Sunday, July 15, 2007


I just wish my life would go back to normal...but there's no such thing as going back right?

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Z & the wipies

i went out of town for a few days for work & when i returned i noticed the lid on the container of bleach wipes i keep in the bathroom was open. so i found Z & asked him if he had been using the cleaning wipes. (i thought he might have been cleaning with them because he likes to that.) he said his container of wipies was empty so he had been using the bleach wipes to clean his bottom! AHHH - that had to hurt!

i think the funniest part of this story is that when i told M about it she asked why i didn't ask B about the wipes first. i told her B would have no idea what i was talking know bleach wipes, for wouldn't have a clue!