confessions of a hormone junkie

so my md took me off my depo shot & put me on a 3 week on 1 week of form of b/c. because I hate my period so much she said I could use 3 back to back (9 weeks of hormones, 1 week off). So I did that, but then they wanted me to quit cold turkey. But the first week would have been when we went to Chicago & that wasn't going to happen. I was not going to drive to the airport, fly to Chicago, spend a week with the in-laws, fly back, drive home from the airport sans hormones & be on my period – that was just not going to happen. Trust me, everyone is happier, the city of Chicago, the people on the plane, B's family, I'm looking out for everyone's best interest here, I'm so not being selfish.

I've been off all lab produced hormones for about 2 weeks now & I'm going crazy. The ones my body produces just aren't enough. The other night I dreamt B & I were living at my mom's & he was about to get in the shower but for some reason he was standing there talking to me in all his nakedness. Then I hear my mom coming home & I start freaking out & I'm telling him he's got to hurry up & get in the shower, but he doesn't understand what the big deal is. So I'm frantic now & tell him my mom can't know that I've seen my husband naked.

Yesterday I had another migraine – are you counting? That makes 4 in about a 9 week timeframe. Yup has everything to do with hormonal fluctuations because previous to the past 6 months, I MAYBE had 1 a year, if that. When I woke up, all I wanted was some salt, don't know why, but that was it. The best thing I could think of was cheap-ass nachos, like you get at the movies. The paper thin corn chips that have more salt than chip & fake orange cheese, sounded just great. (as a side note, the only other time I've craved such a thing I was pregnant, & if that's the case, it's the md's fault & she must pay for such a heinous crime.) well, we didn't have any of that, so I settled for lemon with about a tablespoon of salt on it. When I was done with that, I still wanted more salt, yeah, popcorn baby. I'm not sure what the deal is with wanting movie-type food but I wanted the lab created ooze "all you can eat butter" & super salty stale movie theater type popcorn. We did have some popcorn, but it was the healthy crap, dry & certainly not enough salt on it. I was ok for about an hour, than I started not feeling good again. I needed Z to stop moving, then stop talking, then stop making sounds.

I realized I was being cranky so I went back to bed & had one of the most craziest dreams ever (so take a few bong hits before reading below).

B was a shark (don't ask me to explain, because I don't get it either) but he was a shark ok & he was a naughty bad boy shark. I don't know what I was, I wasn't human though, I was some sort of sea creature & I wanted that naughty shark. So I managed to get his attn with my wily girly sea creature ways then I woke up & realized I was holding my breath (because we were getting shark/sea creature freaky underwater – duh), then once I woke up a little more I realized my shoulders & arms were sore & achy (from all the swimming).

No straight person has dreams like that!