Monday, July 11, 2011

so what now?

things haven't exactly been peachy keen with my mom for awhile.....& surprisingly they haven't gotten any better....

backtrack to saturday, 4th of july weekend, she left a vm "i'm going to the store, what kind of ice cream does Z want?" beings i wasn't part of the equation & Z needs to work on his phone etiquette, i gave him the phone to make the call. they had their conversation, Z ended the call & then a few minutes later there was a vm from my mom for me to call her.

when i called her back she explained she had 4 days off from work so she had asked Z if he wanted to come stay with her & he said no.

so, her original message was not exactly what she was calling for & she got to talk directly to him without any interference from me, only she didn't get the answer she wanted. hello, 4th of july weekend, right before my birthday & you don't ask me first if we have plans? trying to make me the bad guy when i say he can't go bc we have something going on? well, we didn't have plans & on his own, Z said he didn't want to go. also, i'm sure she knew in advance about time off, she could have called to set it up, but no.
she totally makes me feel like i'm in a custody battle with her.

anyways, Z said he didn't want to go bc S was visiting, so i told my mom i would talk with him & get back with her. i asked Z a few times over the weekend & as long as S was here he didn't want to go & S didn't have a plan, it was on a day to day basis & i ended up not calling my mom back.

really though, i think a big reason he didn't want to go is he told me the last time he was there he had a good time except my mom was bugging him with questions. she thinks she's helping, psychoanalyzing him, thinking she's going to discover all kinds of deep dark secrets & awful things that happen in this house not realizing it's her own unhappiness that she's projecting onto my family. this time when Z told her about his good dream, she repeatedly was asking him about his bad dreams & Z didn't want to go there.

on my birthday she called about 10:15am saying she was late for work & couldn't talk; it was an 18sec conversation. she gets up early, so it seemed like she waited for the last minute so she could use that as an excuse to make the call short. i'd hoped she'd call back that evening, but she didn't. i went with well, she's probably tired, maybe tomorrow after work, nope not sat either. then sunday, her normal day off, came & went with no call.

so apparently we're back to not talking.

& i don't know what to do.
i know if someone else treated me like this, i wouldn't let them back in my life, but what am i supposed to do when it's my mom?
i'm tired of letting her hurt me & i feel that's the only control i have.

i keep searching internally, externally, is there something i'm missing, a lesson i need to learn. all i see is the mother i don't want to be & hope i don't ever treat Z like this.

my mom & i were so close when i was growing up, the only thing i see is she can't handle my independence.

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