bike riding

we all slept in the next day, wouldn't have guess a small amusement park would take that much out of you, but i guess we're lightweights...

Z got his helmet & padding & we headed out to somewhere flat & grassy. we couldn't believe how well he did!!!! i guess beings he's older he had no problems, B held on to the seat while Z took off. he was able to get his balance after just a few tries, then started turning & stopping & did great!

once he got his confidence up & was doing pretty well we headed over to asphalt & he didn't have any problems there either; even when he fell he didn't hurt himself.

my mom came over again on mon & we went back for another run. we didn't even bother with the grass, straight for the money...no problems!

Z's 8th birthday

grandma C called in the morning, so we had Z open his presents from her while he was on the phone [still not really talking]. my mom was coming over, so i had Z clean his room up some while B & I decorated the cake. you remember the angel food cake decorated ocean theme? thankfully he forgot about the sho-tao...but i'm already worried about what next year's request!

although Z's room wasn't a complete mess, he did his usual destroy rather than put away technique so by the time my mom showed up tears were streaming down his face. [i'm sure she thought we gave him a birthday beating for breakfast....] & when she asked him why he was crying he pointed at me, so she then goes into how no one should cry on their birthday or have to clean their room. i told her i'd been asking him for the past 3 days to clean his room & instead of cleaning it he made it worse each time.

other than that it went well though, Z opened presents & we had cake just the 3 of us. Z hopped on his new bike completely fearless even though he hadn't been on a bike without training wheels before. we had plans to go to a minature golf type place for the afternoon & promised bike riding the next day.

at the amusment park we went on bumper boats, played some laser tag (it was small, hot & stinky - not recommended), drove go karts, played in the arcade & also played 2rounds of miniature golf. we were all exhausted when we left for Z's requested dinner of sushi! [i didn't even coax one bit, he came up with it all on his own!]

it was a good day.

i cried a bit though, i can't believe he's 8 years old!
i still see the baby face when i look at him.

a pistol & a firecracker

monday was legoland day for Z's class. i signed up to help out & B was out of school, so we made it a family event. i went in a few days before to see if there was anything i needed to know beforehand & Z's teacher told me she was taking that day off, there would be a substitute for the field trip bc she was using the extra discount tickets to take her family. [what?]

there were several parents there to help out [which was great, bc i didn't take into consideration i was going to have to take care of other kids]. the teacher [yes, she showed up for a few minutes] passed out bags that held our ticket along with our partner's....Z & I got the class pistol [the teacher even calls her that]. so luckily i only had one extra kid, but wow, before we even left the school Pistol was crying bc she wanted to be someone else's partner.

the bus ride over wasn't bad, loud though, i can't imagine a long ride, i'd go crazy. i sat with another parent & found out we're neighbors which will be nice for summer meet ups for the kids. B met us at legoland while we waited for it to open [fyi it opens at 10]. Pistol told the boy she wanted to be partners with that she loved him & he said he didn't want anything to do with her [thankfully she didn't cry again]. B had to go back to the truck for something, so we entered the park a few minutes after everyone else & headed over to a rollercoaster ride, i sat with Pistol.

then i got a call from the substitute bc she said everyone else was in another section & she wanted to check on us. so we changed directions to head over to the group but stopped at another ride. we were just about to the front of the line when substitute called again; there was a mandatory class & we had missed it. [bc we didn't know about it]

you would think something might have been sent home on friday for the chaparones...maybe when she was handing out the bags of tickets...maybe even repeat it to make sure everyone (students & parents) knew about it...maybe she could have written it on the board....how about on the pieces of paper that were in the ticket bags...SOMEWHERE RIGHT if it's (*^%$^& MANDATORY?????....????
no
grrr

so we run over to catch the next class at 11, it was about gears, er cogs, yeah, that was the MANDATORY do or die top secret, fbi/cia entrance class. once the class finished, Pistol needed to eat, then we had to work on our paper, then we had to go to the one ride that was about the homework stuff, then, THEN FINALLY we could enjoy the park. we had time to get on 1 (ONE) ride & then it was time to hand Pistol over.

we had 3 hours to enjoy the park on our own, which was good bc really we'd only seen about 1/3 of it & it isn't very big. we spent some time with a couple of classmates, then we went off on our own. Z had a good day & was really well behaved.

i can't believe he's going to be 8 in a few days!

in an awkward place

i feel as though i'm not reacting enough for some & over-reacting to others.

B's been very supportive.
i've asked him if he thinks something's wrong with me bc i'm not sitting on the sofa crying; then a day or two later when i am crying bc the last words i exchanged with my father weren't very nice, he tells me they were words i needed to say.

a few people have said "but he was your dad"...
& it makes me feel cold & heartless bc i'm not broken & falling apart.

i don't know what to say when someone asks me how am i doing.

my dad & i weren't close
at all.
when i was a child, it was by his choice.
as an adult, it was probably more my choice.

maybe i should have given him more leeway bc he was my father, but to me he was strange, bizarre person whom i had nothing in common with. i did not like the person he was, his morals, his values, his way of life.

a birthday, a funeral & a surgery

the couple of birthday parties we took Z to this year (of 8) were a bit much; carnival style with tons of games, a popcorn machine, cotton candy machine, nacho cheese dispenser, etc, the other party was a pool party & they had an indoor game room. yeah, no competition over here, we ain't doing that...when i asked Z what he wanted to do for his birthday he said he just wanted to take a few friends to disneyland...we're not doing that either.

next week we're going to legoland with his class, for his actual birthday we're going to a miniature golf amusement park type place, then the following week when we're at the beach, we'll extend an invitation to the class to join us there. come if you like, the beach is free.

for cake he's requested angel food (although he's never eaten it before) & yesterday when we were at the doctor's office he saw an ocean theme one & that's how he wants me to decorate it [apparently he thinks i'm martha stewart or something]. oh, & the other day we read a book & they talked about a sho-tao, it's flour dough shaped like a peach, filled with a bean paste & food coloring is used to make the cooked dough look like a peach & i'm supposed to make him one of those too. to make it easy on me he said i could just use sugar to fill it instead of the bean paste.


in the middle of that, i'm trying to make arrangements for my dad's funeral, we're keeping it simple [partially bc i have no instructions or wishes from the departed but also bc he didn't leave a single dime to pay for anything & fyi, this stuff isn't cheap]. we're having a gravesite memorial service but i have yet to decide on a date.

mainly bc i was trying to schedule it during our beach trip....& before my mother's knee surgery. so i have this window where i have to fit everything in, i don't want the funeral too close to the birthday, then we're at the beach, then my mom has surgery & can't walk.

never simple

at peace

at 9:25 my dad passed on

high & tight round II

apparently this is going to be an annual thing...remember last year's hair pluckage & subsequent sad attempt at a fix-it cut?

Z's must have thought that was good times, bc yesterday he came home with f-ed up hair again. not as bad, not plucked, it was actually cut this time, badly, but cut, short of course, & looked like he gave a junky going through bad withdrawals $5 for the cut.

what's worse...i didn't even notice...i'm a bit distracted these days. in my [fairly wavering] defense when i picked him up he'd been on the playground so he was all hot & sweaty & been pushing his hair up & off to the side so it wasn't laying down on his forehead the way it normally does.

B noticed when we got home & questioned Z about it. we assumed he'd done it at school; no, he did it in the morning before school [i didn't catch it] & he'd done it yesterday morning too [wtf, i didn't notice that either!!].

so the boy got his damn hair cut, short again, right in time for birthday pics.

as for me, the lights are on but nobody's home these days, i'm going through the motions but i'm not really present.

note to self: 1st week of may go get the boy a summer cut before he cuts it himself.

the time is near

2 days ago
i got a call from the palliative nurse; i didn't even know there was such a thing. [she helps the family in "comfort care" when a family member is going to pass on & there's nothing else can be done.] she told me she had prepared a proposal for my dad & submitted it to 1st doctor.

yesterday
the social services lady called [the one that was in the meeting with 2nd doctor]. she asked how i was & where i was at with things & i told her i had decided to just take a step back. i told her about my dad being on suicide watch, about how i felt like 2nd doc bullied me & that it was best for me to take myself out of the equation & let the doc's do their thing.

she said 2nd doc had asked for a couple of days to try to fix my dad & we'd given him 6, we gave both the doc & my dad a chance. my dad wasn't getting stronger though, chances are he won't survive the tracheotomy & even if he did, the rest of his days would be spent in a rest home hooked up to a machine [while the cancer destroyed what was left].

doesn't exactly paint a pretty picture.

today
1st doc called, he reviewed everything, said they would try the trach today but doesn't think my dad will pull through, that he probably won't survive very long. the social worker told me to inform doc about my dad previously being on suicide watch x2 & he said that was important & he was not aware of it. [apparently medical facilities don't give very good pass downs.]

it's been a long 2 weeks; my dad has been a bigger part of my life in that time span than he was in over 30 years.

note to self - when the shit settles, if you're 1/2 as responsible as you think you are go make your own funeral arrangements, write down what's acceptable & what isn't.

not my fish story

i was over at i'm always right & she led me over to hyperbole and a half's very, very funny fish story

you know he's past due right?

it's been months since Z's had any official trouble at school. yeah, a week or 2 ago his teacher did talk to me about him razzing the girls in class, but nothing big. no calls from the principal.

until today.
yep.

today's lunch was shrimp poppers & after lunch, Z went around chasing a little girl. yeah, i know that doesn't really sound like much, until you hear about how she's highly allergic to shellfish & was completely traumatized by dirty shrimp hands.

that sounds awful, i'm not mocking her in any way at all.

but dang, if my kid doesn't figure out the weirdest ways of getting himself in trouble.

UPDATED to add: i got the note from school, it's only his SECOND referral [yeah, it is a silver lining]

B's cat story - pt II

one day B realizes the dead cat in a bag needed to go back to school. he tells me that the lab isn't open 1st thing in the morning & asks me to bring it by later in the day for him.

YAHH, the skinlessreekingofformaldehydedeadcatinabag is leaving!!! i just have to take it to him.

wait!
what?

to make it even better, B wouldn't be ready for me to deliver the dead cat in a bag until after Z was home from school, so he had to participate in the fun as well. at least Z had seen it, was aware of it, knew it was in the garage & was also happy to get it out of the garage.

so i get the kid in the car, then go get the skinlessreekingofformaldehydedeadcatinabag out of the garage, put it next to him in the backseat & ask him to hold the pan so it doesn't fall, slide or move around anywhere.

Z - but momma, it stinks
me - i know honey, don't touch it, i'll open the windows
Z - but momma, it's ugly
me - i know, don't look at it, just hold on to the edge of the pan

thankfully school is just around the corner & we got that thing delivered. intact with no casualties.

B's cat story - pt I

things are getting a little too serious around here, the other day I told cousin C about B's cat story & remembered this is what this blog is all about, so here is:

B's taking anatomy & microbiology. yeah....with labs, you know...
he started the semester with spanish dos too...which was promptly dropped. his teacher was a handful & a mess, so i didn't blame him one bit.
then as he got into the semester, it was evident that was a good call as the science classes took everything he had...& trust me, the man was not used to having such demands put on him; he's a marine, but STILL!

so his anatomy class isn't just a plain ole regular one, it's pre-med & although it's a 100 level class, they have "steve" [yup, a cadaver]. i partially wanted to go to class with him that day just so his teacher would say "are you in my class?" & i could say "i am today" just like spicoli. [it's the little things that make me happy]

anywho, the story, about the cat...
they dissected a cat in class & bc of steve the school lab had to be locked up over spring break, so the teacher said they could take their cats home. thankfully B gave me a warning before just bringing the skinlessreekingofformaldehydedeadcatinabag home & he prepared an area in the garage for it.

away from the door.
away from the washing machine & dryer.
away.
i don't want nothing to do with it.
i want it as far away as it can be from anywhere that i need to be.

i'll tell you now, the cat was here longer than a week. i'm not sure how many weeks it was here, i just know i stayed away from that side of the garage. until i forgot about it & i needed something out of the toolbox & i walked past the singer. more importantly, i walked past the cat in a bag on the sewing machine.

my classy questioning to husband - "wtf is your cat doing on nana's sewing machine? why did you put it there? didn't you clean off space on the counter on the other side of the room for it?" [no, i don't think any breaths were taken in between any of the questions]

B's response - it's on a cookie sheet

yes, yes it was on a cookie sheet, a very nice cookie sheet. so nice that if it didn't hold a skinlessreekingofformaldehydedeadcatinabag i might be scheming on how i could manage to keep that cookie sheet.

but it did.
& it was on nana's sewing machine.

so he moved it to the space he prepared, that was only 4 feet away, GAH!

the days of our lives-the family side

i called my cousin CH, the one my dad lived with off & on for the past 20 years & found out a lot from her. i wasn't calling to find out things, i was calling to pass on updates about my dad; she & i have to be in close contact beings she's more aware of what was going on in his life than i ever was.

she told me my dad knew he had lung cancer for a few months. not only did he know, but he would throw it in her face while he smoked in her house, as in she would ask him to go outside to smoke but refused bc "he was dying"....selfish & childish to the very end.

she tried to get my dad to let me know what was going on with him, but he didn't want me to know; she even asked him if she could call me but he told her no.

this explains why the hospital didn't have my contact info, he chose not to give it to them. there's even a note on his file at the hospital no one is allowed to go through his personal belongings. [that's a whole new can of angry worms. i told B maybe i'll find out i have a brother & sister, but more likely i think he just didn't want them to contact me until it was too late.]

my dad didn't have any kind of insurance or any plans at all, yet he didn't want me, the person who would be held responsible for him, to know what was going on.

as the world turns-the medical side

yes, my life is currently a soap box...

on tuesday afternoon i finally spoke with a doctor & he provided some explanation as to why they had decided to not take my father off life support.
my father has 3 doc's in charge of his care & all 3 of them have to be in agreement to take him off. the doc told me the hole in my dad's lung was healing on it's own so bc of that, one of the doc's would not consent.

although my dad has pneumonia, emphysema, COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder), TB (present, testing is still out on whether it's active or not), a small cancerous tumor in his right lung, a larger but not biopsied tumor in his left lung, there's still hope. [???]

i asked the doc what kind of life my dad would have, would it be good?
my dad had told my cousin he did not want to live hooked up to machines & months ago (back in jan) when he went into the hospital he was on suicide watch. he told me he went in there bc he was tired of taking care of himself, tired of taking medicines & having to feed himself.

on wednesday i went to the hospital to pick up the last of my dad's belongings, my mom went with me, she didn't think i should go alone & B had school. turned out that was definitely a great call on my mom's part. we met with the doc i had spoke with on the phone previously. we went over everything again & were in agreement, my dad's quality of life would not be what he wanted, it would be best to take him off life support.

one of the other doc's would be in the hospital in a couple of hours & they asked us to wait around to speak with him as well.

that was a bad idea.

this was the lung doc, the one who did the surgery to sew the hole in my dad's lung. apparently when my dad went into the hospital, although he's been threatening suicide for months, he told this doc to do everything he could to save him....so the doc did...he went on & on about how hard he had to work, what poor shape my dad's lungs were in, how fragile the tissue was, all the stitches he had to make & all the glue he had to use; but he fixed him, he made him better, he saved the day.

my mom & i were in shock & awe alright, but more at why put forth the effort on someone who wanted to die [as far as we knew], who is indisputably in piss poor shape due to his own choices, why? [my mom later said he was probably expecting praise & thanks at this time instead of the response he got.]

at this point i started to cry, bc really all i felt was this guy was dragging out the inevitable. thankfully we [my mom, the nurse & social worked] had already discussed things & they knew i was losing it. the nurse brought up the cancer & i told the doc there was nothing they could do about that, there was no way he could survive any treatment & that he conceded to....reluctantly.

this doc really made me feel awful, made me feel like i want my dad dead, like this was my revenge. never mind that i was told a week ago to make final arrangements for him & they were basically only keeping him on life support while they searched for me.

the doc said he would take the drainage tube off my dad, that the hole was healing & he would do fine without it. they would ease him off the sedation medication & take out the breathing tube & he should be coherent & possibly able to speak. i could not deny my dad this chance if the doc was right, especially considering my dad told him to do everything he could.

since then whenever i call the hospital the nurses are abrupt & short or the last time i called the nurse just didn't answer my call; after 15 min on hold the head nurse got on the line & gave me updates on my dad.

they had removed the tube & my dad was ok. at one point they gave him some hemoglobin [when i asked why the nurse said bc he was low, thanks bitch]. the head nurse told me he was still being sedated & still intubated.

friends & family

on friday M & S showed up, a nice surprise & definitely a good distraction to the current situation. we stayed up 1/2 the night watching jake ryan swoon, i mean 16 candles. we discovered Lady is camera shy, at least when S is holding the camera. thanks for coming to visit girls!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

we hadn't made any plans for mother's day, before my dad situation i had been on the fence about what to do with my mom. we'd even thought about going away for the weekend to have a good excuse to escape the awkwardness, but instead nothing was planned or figured out, everything was just in limbo, waiting.

we ended up taking my mom out for lunch & spending a little bit of time at her place. B's still ultra sensitive in her presence while i'm kinda numb & in a fog about everything, but we all played nice & nobody ended up crying.

****************************

on tuesday i went to children's hospital to see cousin C & baby C. great news for baby C, he's doing so well the dr said they don't need to come back for 3 month - YAH!!! the procedure also went so smoothly that he was released from the hospital after just a few hours.

it was good to talk with cousin C; funny how similar our relationships are with our parents. we talked about the uncomfortable situations with our moms & our absent fathers.

arrangements

fri morning i called family, people that i hadn't seen nor spoken to it probably 20 years; some were friendly, others not so much. not that i'm trying to give the impression that i talked with a lot of people, but of all those whom i did speak with, only 1 person asked to see my dad before he passed on.

& that person wasn't even a relative.

the more i get to know my family, the better i appreciate my friends.....

when the doctor called me, i asked him if they could keep my dad on life support until monday evening. the dr seemed like i was asking for a lot, but said he would see what he could do & then asked for a 'do not resuscitate' order, which i agreed to.

once that was done, i spent the next few days worrying my father would pass & i hadn't made further arrangements so first thing monday morning i started making calls. initially i planned on going to the hospital to see my dad one last time, but then i decided it was best if i didn't go. i was getting angry with him; angry bc he chose not to be a father, to not make any arrangements for his approaching end, angry that he refused to grow up & do anything responsible.

when i called the hospital to let them know i wouldn't be there, they told me there was a note in the file that i wanted to be present when they took my father off life support.
NO! i did not want to watch that.

& before i could pass on the arrangements i'd made for my father's remains, the nurse tells me the doctors aren't ready to take my dad off life support now, that they need to consult.

that's it, that's all i get; after days of emotionally preparing myself for the end they tell me THEY aren't ready.

no title

at the hospital i was told
in not so many words

to decide when to take my father of life support

today

today i found out my father is in the hospital.
he's on life support.
he has lung cancer.
his tb is active.

the hardest part about this is thinking about the relationship i could have had with my father.

but he chose not to be a part of my life.