the time is near

2 days ago
i got a call from the palliative nurse; i didn't even know there was such a thing. [she helps the family in "comfort care" when a family member is going to pass on & there's nothing else can be done.] she told me she had prepared a proposal for my dad & submitted it to 1st doctor.

yesterday
the social services lady called [the one that was in the meeting with 2nd doctor]. she asked how i was & where i was at with things & i told her i had decided to just take a step back. i told her about my dad being on suicide watch, about how i felt like 2nd doc bullied me & that it was best for me to take myself out of the equation & let the doc's do their thing.

she said 2nd doc had asked for a couple of days to try to fix my dad & we'd given him 6, we gave both the doc & my dad a chance. my dad wasn't getting stronger though, chances are he won't survive the tracheotomy & even if he did, the rest of his days would be spent in a rest home hooked up to a machine [while the cancer destroyed what was left].

doesn't exactly paint a pretty picture.

today
1st doc called, he reviewed everything, said they would try the trach today but doesn't think my dad will pull through, that he probably won't survive very long. the social worker told me to inform doc about my dad previously being on suicide watch x2 & he said that was important & he was not aware of it. [apparently medical facilities don't give very good pass downs.]

it's been a long 2 weeks; my dad has been a bigger part of my life in that time span than he was in over 30 years.

note to self - when the shit settles, if you're 1/2 as responsible as you think you are go make your own funeral arrangements, write down what's acceptable & what isn't.