initially our plan was once i graduated college we would start our family, but B had changed squadrons at work & he was now on a regular schedule of 18 months here & 6 months in japan. so B would be here when i graduated, but would be gone the following summer & we decided it would be better to postpone the family until he returned. [hint, someone missed that memo]
so when i finished college, the new plan was i would find a real job & we were going to have a real wedding [all the previous stuff was practice]. B & I had picked a nice venue on Pendleton where you didn't even know you were on base [except for that whole guarded gate thing]; we were deciding on a date & selecting the menu.
then 9/11 happened, the world went a little crazy & so did i. i came home from work everyday & watched tv & cried my eyes out for days on end. i felt so sorry for all those people, the families that were destroyed; angry with the people who celebrated such an atrocity; and scared for B & our future. each base keeps a list of squadrons to deploy when chaos hits, B's squadron was at the top of the list when it happened.
i lost track of my cycle. i wasn't on the pill because of migraines, but we were using otc forms of b/c. i remember trying on wedding gowns & surprised at how well they fit me, nothing ever fits me. then i had an itchy face; not sure what that was about, just the skin on my lower cheeks & along the jawline itched like crazy. one night i was hungry after dinner so i ate an apple, after eating 1/2 of it i was unbelievably full & couldn't understand such a thing so i ate the other 1/2 & was completely miserable for hours.
something just wasn't right & i knew it!
but i didn't know wtf was wrong...so i went to the dr
guess what the dr said?
allergies [yes, to pregnancy] so he gave me some claritin [at least that's what i think it was, little red pills]. oh & the more important result from the appt, i weighed 110lbs, which was completely abnormal for this body [at that time]. i explained to the lady their scale had to be off, 110 was something this body was capable of. i had strived for YEARS to gain weight & NEVER was able to get above 104lbs, so there was ABSOLUTELY no fricken way that scale could be right!!!! she told me their scales were calibrated [B likes to say by NASA] & there wasn't a mistake, that it was probably water weight due to my cycle.
so i took the little red pills, i don't remember if they helped with itchy face or not. i think it was the 1st weekend in october when we went to vegas for a friend's wedding. B & I were at the hotel & i told him about the weird side effect i got from the pills, i would gag when i brushed my teeth [stupid, stupid girl]. we went out for a legendary vegas buffet of all you can eat shrimp & prime rib where i almost cried because i could barely eat more than 1 plate of food. & it was shrimp. & prime rib. & my body just wouldn't let me eat like i wanted to. & like i said before i knew something wasn't kosher but i still didn't know what!!!!
another week or 2 past & i realized i hadn't received my monthly bill, but i'm not one to keep scrupulous records & figured it'll show up sooner or later. then i started dreaming about it & decided i might need to question it. so i called OCD, told her the deal & asked what to do [duh!]. her sage advice "go get at home test; don't get the cheapest one, don't get the most expensive one & get a 2 pack in case you need to test again in a couple of days." [seriously those words are etched into my brain]
so that's what i did on my way home that day & came home & tested immediately. i put the test stick on the floor in front of me & it was probably a millisecond before the plus line appeared. so i sat there & stared at it, hoping it would go away. it didn't. then i heard B come in the house, i didn't move, just sat there with a guilty look on my face. he walked in, looked at me, at the stick, took the paper that explained the results & went to the other bathroom.
when he came back to the bathroom i was still sitting there & he smiled at me & i told him "but i'm not ready" & started crying.