Hallowink 2009

[i'm back-dating this post so it's easier for me to find later when i forget about the timing of all the other drama....]
so not only does Z's school have a no-sweets rule, but no costumes either. yep, no dress-up for school on friday, isn't that crazy? that's half the fun.....they did have a 'carnival' though.....a really lame one.....

we trick-or-treated around some of the classrooms, then walked over to Z's class. found out teacher does not believe in nor celebrate halloween so she wasn't there. i know to each his own, but when you're a teacher, wouldn't you kinda go with the flow for the kids? the other day Z said "i think halloween is a day where kids just go around to get free candy" [i may be wrong, maybe it didn't come from her, but didn't sound like Z's words].

then we stood in line for a solid 1/2 hour to go to the haunted classroom; it was alright, but took about 30 seconds to walk very slowly thru. they had a trick-or-treat bag decorating table & a stand selling hotdogs & cookies & that was the 'carnival'. the best part of it, i got a good dry run on prepping Z's vampire face. the next morning we hadn't got all the black eyeshadow off from around his eyes & i have to say, the boy looks better with day-old-slept-in-make-up than i do in fresh [so not fair!]

B had floured Z's face to make it pale, but i didn't care for it so sat we went to walmart for Z's first make-up run to get some sort of powder or foundation. it was more difficult than i anticipated & even B was helping me look for something light when he asked "don't they have a goth section?" apparently not....we ended up getting white eyeshadow.

shortly after sundown we headed over to the neighbor's house & went trick-or-treating with them. Z still wants to go in & visit with everyone...he wants to sit & chat in exchange for candy i guess. the neighbor's 3yo had a better grasp of how things were supposed to go compared to Z...poor boy's been in the sticks the past few years!

we went up & down the street & then quite a few kids came out so i sat out the next stretch to give out candy while the boys went over to the next block. up & down 2 blocks Z came home with a bucket full of candy, he had a good night. thankfully one of the neighbor's gave out glow-in-the-dark bracelets b/c when we went to walmart they were out [for shame!] & although Z liked it, it was not the thrill it always gave him in the past, this year was about the candy.

...it's fundamental

last year, 1st grade, was tough. we spent hours and hours doing homework that should have only taken a fraction of the time. i fought Z's school all year long for extra help so he could learn to read better. i knew what he was getting in the classroom wasn't enough & although i tried as hard as i could, i by no means am a teacher. B & I also debated on IEP (individualized education program) testing. it was bad & i still wonder about mrs. pippen passing him on to 2nd grade - did she really think he was ready for it, or did she count on that we were moving away & either hopefully he would get the help he needed or at least it wouldn't be her problem. [tangents....the female brain is dangerous]

this year, at a new school, the teacher immediately signed him up for a daily reading lab during regular class hours. i was really glad, that finally Z was going to get the help he needed & i didn't have to fight anyone to get it. then 2 weeks ago his teacher sent home a letter requesting Z attend another reading lab before school. Z didn't want to go & at first; i admit, my feelings were a little hurt. his reading had improved significantly in the short time he'd been going to the in-class lab, but knew it was for the best.

the other day teacher told me me Z was doing very well in math, using coins & making change, etc. & on thurs Z told me he has improved in his morning reading lab. he now goes to a different room where he reads then takes tests on the computer, he's finally got the reading thing down & now just needs to work on his comprehension.

he's gotten to the point where for the mostpart, he's able to do his homework by himself. he almost always asks how to spell a word before he tries, although 90% of the time he actually is able to spell it. what's really funny, the things he's learning now (the sounds, pronouncation guidelines & hints) are things i never learned in school. i have to ask him 'what's a short c & what's a long c?' wonder why i couldn't help him learn to read? i'm amazed i can read!!!!

surgery

nana's in surgery right now, or at least supposed to be. the communication with my family has been complete shit; nothing like having someone in the hospital & a bunch people not speaking to each other or willing to make a flipping phone call.

when i called my nana yesterday she told me she was supposed to have surgery, but it had been postponed & she wasn't sure of when it had been rescheduled. my nana is 89 & despite how strong willed & with-it she is, there's a lot out there she does not understand at all. like she doesn't drive; not as in she doesn't drive anymore as in she NEVER, EVER has driven one of them horseless carriages. to her the hospital is not a place you go when you're sick, it's a place people go to die. she's never stayed at a hospital before, all her kids [8 of them!!!] were born at home & she's never had any kind of illness to warrant more than a prescription. so i don't expect her to really be able to give me a run down of her chart, i mainly want to check & let her know i'm thinking of her.

so i called my uncle to get the lowdown & all they tell me is nothing has changed, there's no updates, the surgery was postponed. [um, hello, wtf, why didn't anyone call me to let me know it was scheduled in the first place mfers?]

ahem....

i called the hospital directly because my uncle's an asshole & found out the surgery was scheduled for today at 2:30. the nurse told me to call back today after 4:30 for results, so i'm on pins & needles.

my aunt asshole's wife did call me this morning to let me know the surgery was scheduled for 2:30 [which i'm more than positive they knew when i called]. from what i understood, the stomach is going to be removed, esophagus will be connected to small intestine & they will biopsy the obstruction. it's still not known if it's cancer, if it is nana will have to be moved to another hospital.

20 year reunion weekend - pt I

friday night
after visiting nana & getting settled in at the hotel for the weekend, we headed over to the bar to meet up with the gang. we walked in & i didn't recognize anyone, thankfully B saw Estupid & his beautiful wife in the back corner. the football game had just ended & people started trickling in. it was crazy to see so many faces that i hadn't seen in 20 years, some people still looked completely the same! & some people acted the same [both in a good way & bad way!]

the highlights:
javier from 6th grade mrs. hogan's class [i would not have remembered her name, but he did]. i didn't recognize him, he called me out on it & i recognized the voice. i knew his wife too [anna], a friend's cousin.
randall a guy who would never give me the time of day other than to insult my mixed lineage actually came up to me & said hello.
the girls, lots of them, so good to see, in addition to the gang there was: shelly, tina, letty, deena, isabel, veronica

i realized i was glad i haven't gone back with B to any of his reunions. i know i left him hanging a bit while i went out to talk to people. this was a big role reversal for us, typically we're in a situation where either he knows everyone & i'm out in the cold or at least we both know a fair share of the guests. if i went to one of his reunions i wouldn't know a single soul in the room except for him & he would be running circles, finally his chance to see me as the social butterfly after 13 years! [talk about rare occasions, right up there with haley's comet]

still waiting

the past 3 days of hospital visits kind of blur together. on fri, my uncle was there. it was a surprise to see him. so far, they had determined the cancer had not spread beyond nana's stomach, but further testing was needed to figure out how bad it was in the stomach.

when we went on sat they told us she had an obstruction in the stomach. nana was quite talkative, holding up her end of the conversation, happy although tired. hungry too because she hadn't had anything other than ice or water in 4 days. she joked & laughed some, told us about when someone was in the bed next to her they had the tv on & a beer commercial came on & about how badly she wanted a beer. [that's my nana!] earlier in the day she had to drink a solution to assist in the testing & she said it tasted awful...so bad she she couldn't keep it down. B told her next time to tell them to mix it w/beer & she said she would ask for more then!

today when we went to the hospital my other uncle was there with his wife. the dr was supposed to have come in the previous night or that morning to determine if surgery was needed on nana's stomach & if so, to what extent. we showed up around 12:30 & dr was mia, so no new info. my aunt & uncle know the dr & somehow were able to get him over to check out nana. the obstruction is on the bottom of her stomach & although she hasn't had solids in 4 days her tummy is bloated like a balloon. what little solution she had kept down is still in her stomach & only some liquid is completing the full route.

so she will have surgery, most likely sometime this week. we still don't know if they're going to do a partial removal or the entire stomach. i don't know why this is taking so many days, on grey's they get all this shit figured out & done in an hour....

today, nana

today within a 1/2 hour timespan i got 3 phone calls.
i rarely get phone calls at all, to get 3 back to back was unusal.

the first call was from Z's school. i didn't talk about what happened before a few weeks ago. he wanted to play with a girl, she asked him to leave, he refused & punched her in the face. today he argued with another kid about who was first in line & when another girl backed up the other kid, Z spit in her face.

i don't know where or how my child thinks this behavior is acceptable. although i know i shouldn't worry about what people think, i wonder how many people are waiting for me to show up in jackie o sunglasses hiding a shiner? B actually explained to Z tonight about how he (B) doesn't speak to his own father, how he is such a mean person, how he hits people. this story is so old....

the 2nd call was a company i sent an unsolicted resume to. it's a company i worked with when i worked for old boss. i was torn when i sent the resume in the first place, do i want to work with a company that may have the same problems i had with old boss? i'm going in on tuesday "just to chat" not an official interview.

the 3rd actually came in during call 2, it was my mother. i called her back & she told me AO had called & told her nana was in the hospital & for me to call the hospital to see what i could find out. i called the hospital but they wouldn't tell me anything, but i did get to talk with my nana.

she sounded fine, she said her stomach was hurting, she hadn't eaten in 2 days, they were giving her a liquid through her veins & she may need surgery, but for now the pain was gone. i called my AO back, she said something about the possibility of stomach cancer & i got my uncle's number beings the hospital said my uncle was the point of contact. he confirmed the cancer, another biopsy had been done to determine what stage it's in, but the results weren't in yet.

i called my other uncle & he told me depending on the outcome of the biopsy, he wants to bring her to LA for better care. he also told me they (2 uncles) decided it's best to not tell nana she has cancer, they're afraid she'll give up. i think they may be right.

we are headed down tomorrow for my reunion. we planned on having lunch with nana on sat. i called her this morning & left a message that i'd call her back not knowing she was in the hospital. i was supposed to get the sewing machine she wanted me to have; now i feel as though it would be taking, stealing, scavanging like a vulture. so it doesn't feel right.

cousin C went to see her in the hospital, C's smart & kept it light never really getting into it; just asked "how are you doing, when are you going home, etc". girl is seriously wise beyond her years at times, hopefully i can keep it together tomorrow night.

when B got home i told him everything [that must have been nice to come home to]. later he asked what was the 2nd call, i reminded, then he said "i thought it was a bad thing..." somewhat confused. so i told him "well, yeah.......i might have to go back to work".

over the hills and thru the woods

to grandma's house we go...ok, we didn't go, only Z did. [i don't know what the deal is with the singing titles, roll with it]

it was so cute when i told Z we were going to a concert & his response was "what are we going to?" ugh, sorry kid 'we' is me & Poppa & you are staying at grammie's. he was fine with that. i told him 2 weeks in advance of our plans & he immediately wanted to go pack. i told him we had plenty of time & to go to bed...geez!

our evenings were busy with homework & such & before we knew it friday was upon us. i reminded him he had all of sat afternoon so he didn't have to get out of bed to pack. i had hoped for a great easy day; no homework, get our halloween decorations up, maybe go to the library, etc.

sat morning Z destroyed his room in the packing process so i told him he needed to clean it up. 3 hours later i go back & it was worse. i don't know how he manages it, but somehow he does. so i told him i was cooking, but he wasn't allowed to eat until his room was clean [which he could have done in 5 min if he wanted to]. i think that took an hour [or 2, he's so his father's son at times]. in the final clean up process he located the one card he had annilated his room for.

so we had a decent day after the rough morning. we did get some of the halloween decorations up, but then the wind blew 1/2 of them down & Z was asking me every 1/2 hour what time it was? was it time to go to grammie's? we didn't want to be late going to grammie's! & B was getting ready at noon for a 7:30pm concert & asking me about what to wear...

hello, my concert & the boys are driving me NUTS. i was excited but then i got to the point where i just wanted everyone out of my hair.

when i asked Z if he was all packed up he said he was, toys & books but not a stitch of clothing or a toothbrush. so everyone got their act together & we headed to grammie's. when we got there we had Z walk to the door alone & tell her we just dropped him off. he played it off quite well.

Z was happy to stay & B & I went off to the concert. shortly after 10pm i called my mom to check in & she told me they were still awake. i told her Z needed to get to sleep otherwise he'd be a bear on sun night. she said he'd been fine, not like the time when he was 3 & as soon as the sun went down he was out on the balcony hollering "momma, momma, momma" for me to come get him.

B & I headed home. Z's 7 years old & this was the first time he'd spent the night away from us. i did wake up in the middle of the night; weirded out when i realized Z's nightlight wasn't on, then rememeber he wasn't here with us.

let it snow, let it snow, let it SNOW (PATROL)

i got the tickets a few weeks ago, ordered them online. we hadn't been to a concert in YEARS & thankfully, B was on board with going & even told me he was alright with paying extra to get good seats. [fyi, don't ever tell me that unless you mean it.]

the day of the concert was HOT in the city [seriously, upper 90s]. i was concerned about being around hot, stinky people even though it was at outdoor venue, i'd never been to it & really wasn't sure what to expect.

we dropped Z off at Grammie's house, went out for a quick greek dinner, then down to sdsu. we parked near some frat houses & were got more & more excited as we walked to the college. sdsu oat (open air theatre) is EXCELLENT let me tell you!!! small, very steep, like what i imagine the greeks saw plays in. we walked down, down, down, finally at floor level, then to the front!!!!

i actually yelled out "holy shit" when i realized we were in the front row...classy, i know.

plain white t's opened. they put on a great show. i only know "hey there delilah" & "1, 2, 3, 4", but still entertaining. we weren't front & center, just a little to the left. their show was only about 40 minutes, then it was time for the headliner.

here's Gary Lightbody [YAH!!!]

i never had tickets this good for a concert & was SO pleased! they put on a great show. i was a little worried, you know how some bands aren't very good live, but snow patrol did not disappoint, at all.

this is Paul Wilson, about 5 feet in front of us!!!!

they played a bunch of songs from "final straw", which is an old album, but i LOVE it & was singing all the words!

not only that, i've listened to it enough that B even recognized the songs - heehee!

here's Gary again. I'm pretty sure this is when he's singing "wow" my absolute favorite song from sp!

'say the first thing that comes into your head when you see me'

here's another one of Paul, i like the background. all pics were taken by B.

at the other end of the front row was a drunken pole dancing chick, she provided many laughs. Paul often would crack a smile & have to look somewhere else to keep his focus.

B tried to get a pic of me with the stage in the background, but it didn't work, lighting wasn't right, oh well.

i'm still listening to the cd over & over & now i can see them singing the songs in my head. especially Paul beings he was right in front of us, the crinkle between his eyebrows, eyes closed. oh & the 'terra diablo' tattoo down the inside of his left arm.

i can't wait to find another concert, but i'm i think now i'm going to be even picker than i used to be.

the band & venue were fantastic & the seats could only be beat if we were just a little to the right so we would have been front & center, but hey, i'm totally down with having a guitarist in front of me...so no complaints.

great, great concert!

note to self - it was a total bitch to get this pics lined up like this, but the perfectionist in me is pleased!

the pregnancy story - pt II

i don't exactly remember the conversation after the we got the test results, but i know we decided we weren't going to have a wedding after all. although we wanted it, we figured even a moderate wedding was going to cost about $10k & now we had a baby on the way & we'd need that $10k just for diapers.

then we had to figure out how to let the cat out of the bag. a couple members of my family knew we'd eloped, so the announcement wouldn't be such a big deal there, but B's family was a different story. B had kept our elopement a secret because he didn't want to take away from our real wedding & that now wasn't going to happen. we also had a friend that had recently gotten pregnant, announced it to the world & miscarried in her first trimester. so for the most part, we decided to keep my pregnancy news on the downlow.

i did call my mom right away though: "hey mom, remember how we had that appt to go try on wedding gowns? yeah, i had to cancel that because we're not going to have a wedding after all. i'm pregnant." [i'm all about finesse] mom was THRILLED. [i found out much later she had already been secretly stockpiling baby stuff!]

i called my dr's office to get that ball rolling & the nerve of them, they didn't have an appt for me that very day. not even the next day. i thought for sure they needed to check my little baby out post haste - wtf? i was appalled! what kind of ob/gyn was this guy? cells were splitting & multiplying & dna code was being replicated, he was supposed to make sure all this was happening properly!!!

i felt fine though, happy that i hadn't experienced ANY morning sickness at all. the only thing was that enormous shrink in my stomach size. i normally would only eat 2 large meals, now i could only eat a little at a time but still had to eat enough to keep up with my outrageous metabolism & have some for baby.

a few days later i went to see the dr, he did an ultrasound & confirmed i was carrying a little bean. he gave me a prescription for some pregnancy vitamins & iron tablets & sent me on my way. that was it. i don't know why but i expected more, a fricken miracle was happening, i was carrying a baby & to him it was old hat.

oh yeah, & the most important part - my due date was june 16th & we knew B was scheduled to go to japan leaving sometime in june or july. awesome, i was going to have a baby & he was going to leave me alone to figure it all out by myself. i know the circumstances were completely out of his control & he wasn't leaving by choice, but try & explain that to a pregnant woman. it doesn't compute. even when she's only a few weeks pregnant.

i was mad. so, so mad & there was nothing i could do about it.

how to get me to spend $75 on a haircut when i'm unemployed

tell me i have pretty hair...

really, she did....& i don't think anyone has ever told me that before. well, not a hairstylist. boys maybe, but only because they're silly & don't really know anything at all about hair & if it's long = pretty; they care if it's dry or has split ends for miles.

i even told my stylist no one has evah told me i had pretty hair. although i have been told "you have a lot of hair", but it never sounded like a compliment. it sounded more like:
- all your hair is a pain in the ass to cut
- i could have cut 3 people's hair in the amount of time it takes to cut your hair
- you seriously expect me to blow this out for 20 minutes
- i'd better get a really good tip for working with this mess

but my stylist said she liked a challenge, there was no fun in styling someone's hair when they only had 3 strands [B says she must be hurting for clientele...]. this time she knew she needed 2 handfuls of shampoo to get my hair to lather up & to comb it out when the conditioner was on there. then, wow, she cut & fixed my hair & it came out SO pretty. i'm sure she slipped me something, shaved my head & glued a wig on while i was out.

so i decided i'm not going to wash my hair until after next weekend's reunion. i'm sure everyone will be talking about my pretty hair...nevermind that i'm unemployed [& will probably look homeless with that greasy hair!]

the pregnancy story - pt I

initially our plan was once i graduated college we would start our family, but B had changed squadrons at work & he was now on a regular schedule of 18 months here & 6 months in japan. so B would be here when i graduated, but would be gone the following summer & we decided it would be better to postpone the family until he returned. [hint, someone missed that memo]

so when i finished college, the new plan was i would find a real job & we were going to have a real wedding [all the previous stuff was practice]. B & I had picked a nice venue on Pendleton where you didn't even know you were on base [except for that whole guarded gate thing]; we were deciding on a date & selecting the menu.

then 9/11 happened, the world went a little crazy & so did i. i came home from work everyday & watched tv & cried my eyes out for days on end. i felt so sorry for all those people, the families that were destroyed; angry with the people who celebrated such an atrocity; and scared for B & our future. each base keeps a list of squadrons to deploy when chaos hits, B's squadron was at the top of the list when it happened.

i lost track of my cycle. i wasn't on the pill because of migraines, but we were using otc forms of b/c. i remember trying on wedding gowns & surprised at how well they fit me, nothing ever fits me. then i had an itchy face; not sure what that was about, just the skin on my lower cheeks & along the jawline itched like crazy. one night i was hungry after dinner so i ate an apple, after eating 1/2 of it i was unbelievably full & couldn't understand such a thing so i ate the other 1/2 & was completely miserable for hours.

something just wasn't right & i knew it!
but i didn't know wtf was wrong...so i went to the dr

guess what the dr said?
allergies [yes, to pregnancy] so he gave me some claritin [at least that's what i think it was, little red pills]. oh & the more important result from the appt, i weighed 110lbs, which was completely abnormal for this body [at that time]. i explained to the lady their scale had to be off, 110 was something this body was capable of. i had strived for YEARS to gain weight & NEVER was able to get above 104lbs, so there was ABSOLUTELY no fricken way that scale could be right!!!! she told me their scales were calibrated [B likes to say by NASA] & there wasn't a mistake, that it was probably water weight due to my cycle.

so i took the little red pills, i don't remember if they helped with itchy face or not. i think it was the 1st weekend in october when we went to vegas for a friend's wedding. B & I were at the hotel & i told him about the weird side effect i got from the pills, i would gag when i brushed my teeth [stupid, stupid girl]. we went out for a legendary vegas buffet of all you can eat shrimp & prime rib where i almost cried because i could barely eat more than 1 plate of food. & it was shrimp. & prime rib. & my body just wouldn't let me eat like i wanted to. & like i said before i knew something wasn't kosher but i still didn't know what!!!!

another week or 2 past & i realized i hadn't received my monthly bill, but i'm not one to keep scrupulous records & figured it'll show up sooner or later. then i started dreaming about it & decided i might need to question it. so i called OCD, told her the deal & asked what to do [duh!]. her sage advice "go get at home test; don't get the cheapest one, don't get the most expensive one & get a 2 pack in case you need to test again in a couple of days." [seriously those words are etched into my brain]

so that's what i did on my way home that day & came home & tested immediately. i put the test stick on the floor in front of me & it was probably a millisecond before the plus line appeared. so i sat there & stared at it, hoping it would go away. it didn't. then i heard B come in the house, i didn't move, just sat there with a guilty look on my face. he walked in, looked at me, at the stick, took the paper that explained the results & went to the other bathroom.

when he came back to the bathroom i was still sitting there & he smiled at me & i told him "but i'm not ready" & started crying.

dooce's book

thanks to maya, i started reading dooce.com a few years ago & a few months ago maya let me borrow HBA's book "it sucked & then i cried". i was really busy & had a valid excuse for not starting it back in july, but the past few months have just flown by & i realized i still had not started it, although i have about 5 other things i'm reading at the same time & picked up some more books at the library on sunday.....i can't help myself.

oh, yeah & the on & off cold i've been battling for the past 3 weeks...it's kicking my butt today. i had a lovely [fyi, that's dripping with sarcasm] cup of theraflu & was down for a great nap until a stupid fly kept on buzzing around my face. i'm tired & i don't make any sense...

so the book, i just finished reading chapter 5, leta was just born. i can SO relate to HBA's miserable pregnancy, her story brought back so many memories. i really do wish i knew of blogging at that time, the outlet would have been nice...so although i hinted to it before, i decided to get it all down on paper on blog & over the next few days i'm going to write my pregnancy story.

at least he's didn't pull a joey

when we got home from our errands, Z was on the floor in his bathroom in a tangled mess. i asked him what he was doing & he said he was taking off his chonies because in the morning he'd forgotten he had on a pair & put on another pair, so we had worn 2 pair all day long.

i don't know how exactly you forget that you're wearing a chonies & put on another pair without noticing the 1st pair, but he did. he was wearing sweats, so i was just glad he didn't go commando, that would have been much worse...

a nobel headache

wow...you know i'm not one to get all politic-y...it's just not my bag...but i really, really can't believe obama has been awarded a nobel peace prize....

for WHAT?
great walk & talk, but how about we wait for some quantifiable results?

it's not that i dislike him, i'm just a little skeptical & the world treats him like he's the 2nd coming of christ & it freaks me out.

bandwagons, i don't jump on them....i watch them with a discerning eye.

he will be king

i typed that & got a call from Z's school, that was 2 days ago & i haven't had the heart to come back to pick this back up. for a few minutes, let's pretend that call didn't happen & all is good...

Z was getting ready for school & i went down the list - had your breakfast? did you brush your hair? teeth? etc, then ask do you want me to fix your hair? [lately he's liked wearing spiky hair, not everyday though.]

Z - no, today i have to be handsome

me - um, what?

Z - momma, [exasperated] i have to be handsome today because i meeting with the club at school.

me - what club is this?

Z - it's a group of girls & i'm the only boy

me - ok [well, they're only 7, but it's all girls & one boy, more importantly my boy, i don't know if i should be worried or if i should be WORRIED]

Z - today i'm going to be the king so i have to be handsome & i can't wear spiky hair

me - very well then [get back to me before they want you to be the doctor...there's a discussion we need to have beforehand.]

cookies for breakfast

every once in awhile this adult gig has its perks...like having fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies for breakfast...yum...
last month i made a spur of the moment chocolate cake (with chocolate chips added, because i needed more chocolate). yeah, it's cyclical. totally.

ahem, reason for the post though...i had gone on a baking hiatus for several years & last holiday season when i started back up, i was a little out of practice & had forgotten so many of my little tricks. i think i got them all down & decided i better document them before they are lost to old age. [i'm going to put some basic stuff in here too]

- although recipes always tell you to start with soft butter, bring your eggs out early too. my mom always told me the eggs mixed in better at room temp.

- for your fats [i know that sounds gross, but i actually have a recipe that states it that way (then breaks down to oil or lard) but the term is all encompassing, so deal]. i've tried all butter (low melting point & you end up with great flavored pancake-like cookies) & all crisco (even with "butter-flavored" it just doesn't measure up but cookies have better shape); in the end decided the best route 1/2 butter 1/2 crisco...always. no matter what the recipe says.

- mix sugars (i don't pat down brown sugar, i like to taste the flavor of the dough & not have a complete sugar overload) & fats in a large bowl. scramble the egg & vanilla (or other flavoring) in your measuring cup before adding to your sugar/fat mixture (blends easier & isn't so gross to look at).

- when measuring out the flour, take back a tbsp or 2 & replace with cornstarch (unless the recipe already calls for some). the cornstarch gives great lift to cookies, but don't add more than a tbsp or 2 otherwise your cookies will be picture perfect but may break a tooth.

-before you add the last of the flour mixture to the sugar/fat/egg mixture keep a little tiny bit in the bowl, add your semi-sweet (only!) chocolate chips & nuts to give them a light dusting; this will help them stick to the batter. (i don't ever measure out my chips, tons otherwise why bother? peanut butter cookies with chips? yup. oatmeal with chips? of course) also keep the bag of chips near, after each round i evaluate the remaining batter & add more as necessary.

- cookie sheets, it really does pay off to have 2 nice pans. don't bother with different size package deals, they're just a pain to store anyways. after each batch, let them rest for a minute on the pan to cool & keep their shape. after they're removed from the pan wipe it down with a napkin or paper towel to remove crumbs (if left they will burn & stick to your next batch).

happy baking!

you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

but it isn't, it's mine & it's about me...
(fyi, that's a carly simon rip off if it's not clicking for you)

it's my 20 year reunion in a few years weeks. i know that can't be right, somebody screwed up with the math, i demand a recount! so although i'm looking forward to it, i realized something the other day, part of the reason why i haven't attended any of the previous reunions came to light.

see, Z & I were off to the library again, in the vw. oh yeah, the vw is fixed-ed. i'm not going to say 'fixed' because it isn't truly, it's a shade of fixed, ergo fixed-ed. so far all the alarms & lights have stopped after B put it together, the window works & so do the locks. what doesn't work? i can't open the door from the inside. i wasn't sure if i should drive the car, but then i remembered the parking fiasco & decided worrying about how i would get out of the car if i got in an accident was better than facing the parking lot in the truck.

before we headed out is when the epiphany happened, not only has 20 years past, i'm 38 [wth? how did that happen? more importantly when did that happen?] & i still don't have a clue on how to be a girl. i can't fix my hair up nice & don't know how to put on make-up.

for the first time in my life a few weeks ago i got an expensive haircut. she didn't really do much with my hair, but she did tell me that because of the various textures of my hair when i get a bad haircut, it's absolutely fricken atrocious with my hair. [oh wait a minute, maybe i did know that]. so i'll go back in a few weeks, one more round, hoping to come out with model hair...wish me luck. and as for my face, ugh, i'm actually thinking of going to a dept store, sitting in one of those chairs at a makeup counter & having them do me up. that should be a new level of hell interesting. i typically hate those makeup girls, they reek with disdain at those of us who aren't caked in layers of camouflage.

then there's the clothes. i know, clothes usually aren't a problem for me, but i'm not sure how dressy to go. i don't want to wear staple black pants & a top, i want to look nice but not overdressed & hoity-toity [i'm not sure you can do that while unemployed...& not independently weathly]. i made the mistake of asking B what the women were wearing to his reunion in July...stupid, stupid, i know....they were wearing jeans & sweatshirts [!!!!! with john deere tractors on them ].

about that trip to the library...

remember the other day i vaguely mentioned about going to the library? actually i didn't really say much about the library & just touched on the sad attempt at parking the truck in an empty lot & failing....

anyhoo, so yes, the other day, at the library, in the truck, on track?

beings we're new to town, Z needed a new library card. he kept the card & without even thinking about it, i slipped the keyring one on my keys. [did you get that? my keys] when we got home, Z grabbed his books & i told him to make sure he didn't leave his library card in the truck because we know Poppa isn't ever going to be the one to take him to the library. [it's just a fact]

today B notices the library keyring card on his keyring & says "what is this doing on there? do you know what people are going to think of me? i might be associated with the wrong crowd, people may think i'm educated".

i laughed & couldn't believe how i absentmindedly put it on his keyring then told him "more than that, they make even think you're literate!!!"

nothing but love for ya babe!