maybe in a few days, or a few weeks, click

B's family stayed a couple of days & didn't leave until about noon on saturday. it was a beautiful morning, dark, grey, raining & even 2 rounds of hail - sweet!

when my mom left on thursday we hadn't cut into the pies, so i told her i would bring her some on sunday, sat night i called her to check in. she didn't answer & i figured she was either sleeping or out walking the dogs & didn't really think too much of it.

the next morning we all slept in late, company can be exhausting...
i called my mom again, but didn't answer so i left a message. Z & I spent the morning working on his school project & i told him once he was done we'd go to grammie's, actually i'd been telling him we were going since thursday. when he was just about finished i called my mom & finally she answered & told me:

"i can't talk to you right now, maybe in a few days, maybe in a few weeks" then she hung up on me.

happy thankgiving, merry christmas, it's the most wonderful time of the year...
my family is completely fucked up beyond all belief
how do you tell someone that without even explaining to them what you think they did wrong?

was she mad because dinner was late?
how do you rush a cooking turkey?
does she think this was a conspiracy to make her drive in the dark?
maybe we made her stay too late? [5:15 pm is really late right?]
did she have an anxiety attack because she was more than 5 miles from home?
maybe she got in a car accident & she's blaming me...I DON"T KNOW

so yeah, i cried most of the day over this yesterday. i'm hurt. i'm mad. i don't deserve this. i knew something was up with her before she came over for thanksgiving, i had hoped getting together would smooth whatever was wrong in her head things over, but instead they blew up.

i took something to help me sleep last night, so i dreamt of vampires [not hot edward-like ones] & robots trying to kill me, then another one where all my hs friends stopped talking to me, but at least i didn't dream about my mother [which would have been even worse].

thanksgiving 2009

thankgiving was a quiet one this year, i invited my mom & B invited his cousin & aunt over & that was it. ever since we've been back things have been weird with my mom, before she used to come over every sunday to visit, but she'd only been over once [for my birthday in july when we first got here]. it's not that i want or expect her to come over every week, but something's up & she's not telling me what's going on. i wasn't even sure she was going to accept my invitation for thanksgiving, but she did.

i called her that morning to find out what time she was coming over; she told me she'd prepared all her stuff the night before but she wouldn't be over until noon. a little weird right? it's thanksgiving don't you want to spend the day with us? apparently not.

B's cousin & aunt showed up early that morning. [i had spent the previous day baking all day long so the house was kind of a disaster & i had planned on cleaning before they got here, but oh well...] we sat, had coffee & talked while B & I prepared the stuffing. later in the morning we made some munchies and shortly thereafter my mom arrived with spinach dip & yummy pies.

it was a beautiful day & we sat outside on the back patio & talked or sat around the tv for a bit. i think it was about 3:30 when my mom told me she had a headache because she needed to eat. B checked on the turkey but it wasn't quite hot enough still; so that needed to cook a bit more, brown it & the side dishes also needed to go in the oven. it was probably about 4:30 when we sat down to eat, the turkey was fantastic, very juicy [we think the trick was B cooked it at 325 so it took longer, but it was worth it]. everything was really good & we all had a nice dinner.

my mom complained about it getting dark, so once we finished eating i helped her gather her stuff, gave her some leftovers & Z & I walked her out to her car. she seemed fine, just a little perturbed a bit about having to drive in the dark & being a whopping 13 miles away from home.

trip to ghetto house

tuesday was supposed to be the baking day, but on monday night we got a call from the renter that the heater wasn't working. we had him try a few things, but no dice, so tues am we got up & headed north. when we left in july we knew there were a few things to wrap up, so the heater just made us stop delaying the trip.

the yard had just been mowed [we've been told he lets the grass go, like really GO] but the inside of the house was immaculate. honestly, i would eat off this guy's floor [something i would not do when i lived there! haha, well, it is all new flooring, so that does make some of the difference.] the house is decorated really nicely too [i'm jealous....& thinking of asking him to come decorate this house]. all in all we aren't going to complain about ugly yard when the inside is being kept up so nicely.
example: a soft blue sofa & a brown chair that has matching blue striping, the fabric from the chair is also used for drapery in the dining room.

we worked on a few things on the house & Rob came over to help. it was so great to see him, he seems to be doing pretty well there although he complained about how boring the job was. they took the motor out of the heater & determined that was the problem so we went to a couple of places to find a replacement. although it's a track home, so all of the nearby houses initially had the same heater, it's not a part they keep in stock so it had to be special ordered. we went back to the house & did a little more work then headed over to R's for a little bit.

we stayed there about 2 hours then got on the road, i hate driving that stretch at night so i was anxious to get going. there's about a 20 mile section where there's no passing, which is fantastic when you're stuck behind a car that is going between 40-50 mph that brakes whenever a car comes in the opposite direction. or there's a little hill. or a dip. or a curve in the road. or fornoreasonwhatsoever!!!! it was insane, but to make it all the more enjoyable i had a semi in the backseat with Z. awesome....

i don't know what the deal was with the car in front of me & i certainly didn't get wtf the semi was doing riding my tail. i was surprised B wasn't telling me to just pass the car; i guess he's learned that i have this uncanny ability to make cops manifest out of thin air when i do stuff like that so it's just better that i don't do it. we made it home safely though.

almost impossible

one day last week B's biology study group came over; when they meet they bring donuts & beer. [i don't remember study group being like that...]

anyways, so yeah, there were donuts in the house, right & one day last week Z managed to be good ALL day long at school & ALL 2 1/2 hours at his after school place [that's a lot of behaving for this kid, seriously.] so i told him he could have a donut after ALL that exasperating being good stuff.

he ate the donut. licked his fingers. then checked his cheeks to see if any sugar granules were stuck there & then took an actual bite out of the paper napkin for a few pieces of sugar. you would think we'd never let him have any treats what so ever...

then he asked if he was good ALL day tomorrow, could he have another donut?

wow, well, let's see here:
1 - Z has to be good 2 days in a row
2 - at school & at after school place
3 - there's only 2 donuts left & that means B can only eat 1 donut tomorrow am

so, you may not know this, but i am not a betting person...however, this is something i would feel pretty safe about putting my money on....self control around here is, well, um, needs some work.

surprisingly, the stars aligned & all worked out. good thing i didn't call the local bookie.

tues visit & a story about chicken soup & my dad

after making this post, i called the hospital & spoke with nana, she told me they took her to the hospital because her tummy hurt. to say she's a little in the dark about her health would be an understatement, but it's probably for the best...
when i visited her last week, she told me they "they'd cut her open", suddenly aware that she'd had a surgery & to a certain extent seemed like she felt violated by the act. i told her if she didn't remember any of it, it was probably best & that comforted her some.

anyways, she told me they were discharging her from the hospital that day (monday).

so on tues mom & i went down to check on her. she was sitting in the living room; her color looked good & she was talkative. then my mom went into one of the rooms to look for some old books & when she came back she had an old hs annual. really old, 1963. i actually found a few people that i knew, well, i knew them as so&so's parents, but still funny to see these people in hs.

nana talked quite a bit more with my mom & for some reason they brought up an old story. a long, long time ago my mom had extreme oral surgery to have her wisdom teeth removed. the reason i say extreme is because i think the doctor used an old, rusty butterknife to work on her because after the surgery she got lock-jaw, i think she said it lasted for like 2 weeks...

can you imagine the lawsuit if that happened today?

so, beings my dad was....well...you know.....like not worth his weight in salt....nana told my mom to come stay with her while she healed. nana was sick too, but my dad knew sick nana could take better care of my mom than he could so he gladly dropped her off & took my sweet lil baby ass over to his mom's house because he couldn't take care of me either. when he dropped off my mom in the morning, he did ask if they needed anything from the grocery store [alright, there's a bit of good in there] & nana told him to pick up a few things to make some chicken soup for the both of them.

and here is where my dad is my dad.

they waited all fricken day for him to return with the groceries. yup, both sick & stuck waiting for him. he didn't show up until sometime in the evening & he was all proud of himself that he remember to get everything. yeah. nice. stupid actually. just a tad inconsiderate. i don't know what the 2 of them did all day long. i know nana has never been one to keep a full pantry, so when she gave him a list of things she needed for soup, she [like any normal person] would expect the person to go get the stuff & return immediately. right? i mean what kind of person goes & f's off all day long when you have 2 sick people waiting for soup fixings?

and here is where my nana is my nana.

nana took the bag with the chicken in it & hit my dad with it.

1st trimester report card

let's just start with "WOOOOHOOO"

ok, settle down......geez!

so for life skills & work habits he got S (satisfactory) for everything except observing school/playground rules & demonstrating self-control, which ya know, considering some of the stuff he's pulled, is perfectly true. he got an N (needs improvement) but i wouldn't have been surprised if they'd given him a U (unsatisfactory).

now for the nitty gritty:
[because really, social skills...who needs them? look how well i function without them.]
writing - S & all 2's "partial mastery of grade level standards" for sentence structure, punctuation, spelling, content, yada....yada....yada.
reading - S & almost all 2+'s [yup, on the cusp of 3's, which is consistently demonstrates...] for word recognition, fluency & vocabulary!!!!!!!!!!!!
math - E (EXCELLENT!!!!) all 2+'s & one 3...in money [duh, we know what's important].

did you know in 2nd grade math they cover alegbra? because i took a pre-algebra class in jr high & that was considered kinda advanced.....
they also cover statistics, data analysis & probability, which i didn't take until....college....2nd year...

and the big overall standardized assessments:
reading 41/52 = 78.8%
math 27/30 = 90%
hold on to your seats....75% is considered proficient!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

teach said she was really worried about Z in the beginning, because when he came into class he told her he didn't know how to do anything, not even add. i know that he could add & spell, but his reading was way, way behind. his progress in one trimester has been so significant she's going to nominate him for an award for most improved.

back to the hospital

i found out last night that nana is back in the hospital. she was taken on sat & admitted on sun for dehydration & some sort of infection (details are sketchy at best). the biggest concern though is that her veins aren't strong enough to hold an iv.

last time they'd used her arms & hands, she still has large bruises on her arms from them. this time they had to use a vein in her groin.

aunt A & cousin C are supposed to go visit her today & give us an update. my mom is going to try to get the day off tomorrow & we hope to head down to visit her.

UA is still causing crazy drama with the family; practically everyone doesn't want to visit nana (at the hospital or at her home) because the don't want to see him. i don't think i wrote about it earlier, but before my last visit nana had told my aunt A that she (nana) was worried about me coming to visit because my mother & i had "attacked" UA in the hospital.

no doubt a repeat of his words. no doubt he wouldn't explain that it's because he didn't want tell us his plans for nana. i would not put it past the man to put her in away & not let us know where she was at. he runs off everyone & then tries to convince nana he's the only one that cares about her. the man needs therapy....lots of it!

calculating.....& possible pocket-protectors in our future

the other day Z was given a little positive reinforcement slip for doing well in PE. he told me they'd given out the slips before, but for some reason this time, a slip was given to 1 boy & 1 girl & they each got to pick out a prize. Z picked out a calculator.

are you off the floor yet?

yeah, i know...what?

if it helps explain things, it's blue & at the top has a locking mechanism...er...um...latch-like-connector-thingie & he got it so he can learn times. he's anxious to learn his times tables because all those smart girls from 1st grade last year that knew a couple of factors & that really got to Z. he must learn them. [finally my competitive nature is appearing! & as long as he's not punching or kissing them, i'm not complaining....]

today, Z walked around all day long sporting his calculator, finding different spots on his clothing to attach it. i'm kinda surprised he didn't hang it on his ear, maybe tomorrow. at one point B started to explain how cool pocket protectors were....hello, the award was for PE, honey....

monday we have our 1st parent/teacher conference. yeah, i'm a bit nervous. the reading lab has helped Z tremendously & the other day he moved up another [yeah, that makes 2] level in math! but that doesn't change some of the behavior issues he's shown, although significantly better than last year, still working on it.

weds trip

i was planning on going to visit nana on tues, but on mon pm i realized weds was a holiday & Z wouldn't have school, so i decided to postpone the trip a day & take him with me.

we arrived about noon, nana was doing well. the house had been cleaned up & even Z said it looked nice, but needed more work. [just love the kid's honesty] nana looked well [girl got her hair done. funny of all the things one could want after getting out of the hospital, she wanted needed to have her hair colored.] i say all that in jest, it's actually meaningful to me, that she still cares about how she looks, still fighting.

her skin color was good & she was talkative although she wasn't wearing her hearing aid which made things a little difficult. Z tried explaining his pokemon game to her [which even i don't care to understand] & showing his scary reptile book [that she said was going to cause her nightmares].

Z & I went out & walked the backyard; it seemed strange, familiar yet changed. i spent so much time in that yard. i had told Z about all her fruit trees previously, so we walked & i pointed them out. the grapefruit tree [that only i ate the fruit from] had died & been removed, the pomegranate bushes covered her clothesline, the orange, peach & fig trees.

when we walked back into the house nana was in the hallway walking to the living room. she'd told me a physical therapist had come in & started working with her, but it was still wonderful to see. my greatest fear was after being in the hospital for a few weeks & having surgery her leg muscles would deteriorate too far.

before we left she asked me again when was i going to take the sewing machine. i told her we'd brought the truck down for the reunion to get it, but she was in the hospital then, that maybe the next time B could come with me & bring the truck. Z started acting up so we didn't stay much longer. i took him to the park so he could burn off some energy before getting on the road home.

out of nowhere i got nauseous & for a minute there i thought i was going to have to go puke in a park trash can like a wino. i'd felt weird all day & i guess the stress of worrying about a confrontation with UA had taken it's toll on me.

trojan free

in the quamire of last week's chaos i managed to get a trojan on the laptop....excellent....i noticed IE was slow to load so i tried deleting all the history, cleaning up the drive, etc to no avail.

spybot found the trojan, but couldn't kill it, it was night of the living trojan....kept on coming back & started re-constituting files that had been deleted (from the recycle bin) months ago. i do thank spybot though, at least i knew what i was dealing with....

after some searching i located malwarebytes, the first run found 3 problems. it didn't list them out, but they were removed & so far the laptop has been virus free for over 24 hours, sweet. thank you malwarebytes!

now, back to regular posting.

it finally clicked

my cousin S sent some books over to help with Z's reading. i thumbed thru them quickly, they looked about his reading level & so at bedtime he asked if i would read one of the books to him. i said no, but he could read it to me. deal.

when he opened up the book it had more words than i expected; he said he couldn't read all that (about 5 or 6 sentences on 1 page). granted, it's more than he has been reading but his vocabulary has really grown, so i told him to just try it. i also figured maybe the following pages would have less sentences or if it was a lot, we could take turns reading pages.

he read the first page, stumbling on only a couple of words; the same on the next page & he just kept on reading. he didn't complain about the amount of sentences at all & if he came across a word he didn't know he just sounded it out & moved on.

mickey & the beanstalk, you brought tears to my eyes, he finally did it.

i was so proud of him & even he was excited that he read so much all by himself. the next morning, even though it was a school day, he got up early, came in & gave me a hug, then ran out of the room. he came back with another book in his hand & read another story to me.

the good, the bad & the epically dysfunctional

yesterday mom & i headed down to visit nana. i didn't sleep well the night before, things have been a little weird with my mom since we moved back & i wasn't sure exactly, how that drive was going to go; it ended up being fine though.

when we got to the hospital, uncle asshole was there sitting in the corner. i said hi to him & to nana & then my mom started talking with nana, so i instigated a little chitchat with him (how are you, etc). his answers were brief but i didn't really think to much of it, i was being cordial & if he didn't want to get into details, i was fine with that.

then the nurse came in & told us nana was going to be discharged [fyi, this is the good part, relish it while you can], she would need 24 hour care & left. i asked my uncle what were we going to do & his response was "i'm handling it".
me - well, what are you doing?
UA - you don't need to know
me - yes, i do, she's my grandmother, i have the right to know what's going on with her.
UA - i'm handling it
me - why do you feel you have the right to keep this information to yourself? this isn't about you, this is about nana.
UA - you know what you did
me - no, i don't know 'what i did' [i honestly do not have a clue what he's talking about, the last interaction i've had with him was ~15 yrs ago at a party as his house, other than that we haven't had contact other than the christmas cards i sent him]

in the middle of the discussion, my mother is coming at him, from the left, then the right, seething words & pointing fingers in his face. she reminded me of a bee with a stinger; if it hadn't been so horribly awful, i probably would have been laughing my ass off at the scene....

i kept on telling my mom to relax, i wanted to get him to talk, i wanted to know what his problem was, but he wouldn't let anything out, apparently he doesn't want to solve the situation & prefers to just live with his hate & anger.

we went round & round but every response he gave me was a dead end. he told me i was like my mother [by then i was pissed & told him i'd rather be like her than him]. i told him he was being childish [& he said "oh yeah, i'm the one being childish" ????? really? think you aren't? you won't tell me what the f-ing problem is!] i finally told him you're the one that's going to have to live with yourself & the choices you've made.

i don't remember what or how it dissolved, i ended up leaving the room to go to the nurse's station. i went to get a contact name & number from nana's files, beings the UA link had been obliterated. i tried holding it together but right there in front of everyone i just fell apart. who does this kind of shit? who treats people like that? what f-ing right does this man think he has?

my mom & i left to meet AO for lunch & told her some of what went down. AO is another issue, she's there in town, but not speaking to nana, did not visit or call her once the entire time nana was in the hospital. although she did have a friend who visited nana daily so AO ended up with more info than i was able to get with daily calls to the hospital.

after lunch we went back to the hospital, my uncle was still there, in the corner, with his book, just sitting there. if you didn't know better you might wonder if he was even breathing. we told nana we were coming back, so he knew we were returning but he just sat there the entire time we were there. why he didn't/couldn't/wouldn't leave is simply further evidence of his unprecedented level of asshole.

the nurse came back in & asked "ok, what has the family decided" and that was the only way we found out anything....
UA told her he'd contacted social services to get assistance with the 24-hr that was needed. the dr also wants her to have a hospital bed at home & he was working w/ss for that. the nurse said ss might not be able to get a bed that day for nana, so she asked if we wanted nana to stay over-night in the hospital if that was the case & he said yes.

my mom & i were not part of the conversation at all.

the not-interview

it was a week ago, time flies people!!!!
he told me to just come in for a chat, so what i got from that was they didn't really have a position open, but possibly in the future, so a meet & greet of sorts, right?

so i get there, the office wasn't right at the street, but back in a little maze of buildings. i found the address, but there was no sign on the door (as in the company name). i kinda blew that off, during the phone conversation it sounded like they had just moved....then i try the door & it's locked.

i surmise 1-no sign on door + 2-locked door = 3-side door

there's a doorbell thingie, so i ring that & someone comes to the door & i say "oh i'm sorry is this not the front door, i'm here to meet so&so?" & get "no, this is the front door".

so i look around & there's a copy machine & stuff piled everywhere, not a front reception-like office by any stretch of the imagination. so&so comes out & greets me, then walks me down the hall to a conference room & there's more boxes & shit piled in the hallway so i say something about them just getting moved in & he says "no, the company has been here about 6 years" [open mouth, insert BIG foot] so i say "oh, i must have misunderstood you over the phone".

in talking with him though, i really would like the work, but it's a small company so they don't have all the benefits i want. i would be able to learn tons of skills that could get me where i want to go long term though. when i left there it sounded very plausible & we just needed to negotiate pay [which is always great fun]. during the not-interview he told me the anticipated salary range, but said he would work on getting more.

over the past week, i've been in a lot of drama [in addition to all the posts i've made i didn't even write about baby C going in for his monthly treatment & having a hpv spot deep down in his lungs...he's ok though], but so&so & i have been in contact via email, although i admit i haven't been very timely. i gave him some references, he asked me for a more definitive salary, i told him my ideal # + 401k matching + dental (they don't offer the 2 latter) & told him that was just a starting point. in response he gave me a HUGE list of qualifications (that i don't have) which he said were required to merit the pay i suggested....

HELLO? you're a mom & pop shop (~70 employees total spread out over 5 or so offices)....1/3 of the "required qualifications" aren't relevent to the company! it looks like a list directly copied from salary.com; so i think we are done with each other. i sent him an email yesterday & he hasn't responded, i kinda hope he doesn't. i think i was just excited about the possibility of a job. i try to tell myself not to get so worked about it, it's more about finding the right career, not just a paycheck. i'm enjoying my free time, when i left for the interview B told me "don't go!" (he likes it too); we prepared ourselves for down-time & we know how to buckle-up when income dips, so were not desperate...yet.

UPDATE - i received an email from so&so & he agreed we probably were not a good fit....so i'm off the hook!!!! is it strange that i'm happy & relieved about that?

nana update

geez, would time stop moving so dang quickly!! i have too many things to write about, i just read my last post about nana it's so off & i need to write about halloween...oh & i almost forgot about the not-interview...

let's start with nana - all the days are jumbled together, i called the hospital & because of stupid HIPAA they still wouldn't tell me shit other than "she's fine" [which could mean she's next to death but we can't tell you over the phone & per chance get sued over the disclosure...yeah, i'm still a little raw about that]. however, i can say when i was talking to the nurse i said something about "how did things go? did you have to take out her stomach? does she have cancer?" evidently i was so far off base she assured me that wasn't going on at all.

f-ing family is AWESOME!!!

so, nana has been scoped, 2 or 3x but they weren't able to get the details they needed so thurs (i think) they cut her open to get a real look. i know they found the obstruction & cleaned her out, but don't know much beyond that. either today or tomorrow they are going to start her back on liquids.

my mom went to visit her on sun, nana was disoriented & didn't recognize her. nana also kept on asking her why were they in the kitchen? i told my mom it's probably b/c she was so dang hungry! they had to move nana to a room with more vigilent observation because she removed her GI tube....by herself....yeah, that's what happens when you have someone that isn't used to being in a hospital. nana told my mom her belly is sore, she doesn't know that she had an operation.

oh, one day last week i called the hospital & totally lied, told them i was my mom so i could get more info. i don't know who i talked with & i'm such an awful liar, i kept on messing up the 'me's and the 'my daughter's, he probably caught on, but realized i was desperate. the one tidbit of info i got was nana was admitted with "an upper GI bleed & a bowel obstruction".

i called nana last night, i'm not sure if she understood who i was, but she said she was feeling better & that they were treating her well. she sounded good & strong so i'm glad.