valley trip

i had hoped to start the day off early, but B's cousin showed up unexpectedly & then the conversation happened, so we left late. once we got to town we visited nana for a bit. she seemed to be doing ok, but her spirits weren't as high as before & her caregiver told me they were worried about a few things.

my uncles have been in complete control of everything because that's how they wanted it. the caregiver explained to me that nana is running out of $$ & they want to put her in a convalescent home. nana wants to use her house to pay the caregivers & stay in her home. the problem is the house was put in my uncle's name a long, long time ago, so on paper it's not her house & my uncle....well...it's his house.....his $$. the end.


later we took Z over to cousin C's house so she could watch him for the night while we went to visit my hs buddies. the party almost didn't happen, we thought it was canceled for a bit there & a few people were sick or no shows, so it wasn't quite the crowd we'd originally anticipated. we still managed to have a good time though. we picked Z up about 3am, cousin C said he stayed up until midnight which ended up being a good thing because he slept in the next morning & i didn't have to listen to spongebob cartoons!

when we got up we went back over to nana's for a bit. she was happy to see us, but then another one of my uncles called & after that she seemed very distant. i tried talking with her, but she kept saying she couldn't hear me even though i was shouting. the caregiver ordered some chinese takeout & once nana ate, she seemed better. the caregiver told me again of their worries & told me to tell my mom. she also told me i'm the only family that visits nana; which was pretty upsetting considering how big the family is & how many people are nearby.

after leaving nana's went visited with hs buddies for a bit & then we're back on our way home.

talked

on christmas eve i called my mom & left a vm. i told her i hadn't done anything wrong that i was aware of & she was being mean to me & to Z. on christmas day she called & left a merry christmas vm. the next day she called & left another vm asking if Z could come spend the weekend with her.

now, i've written about this, but now matter how i try it's long & drawn out & ugly, so i'm going to try really, really hard to be brief here.

i called her back & we talked finally. she told me she had a horrible day here, an awful thanksgiving, that we were very unhappy people. i was completely unaware of her feelings & asked her to explain, because we didn't feel that way at all. she told me i was mean to her all day long, that i didn't smile or laugh all day & it was obvious B & I were arguing & not speaking to each other.

her view of the entire day was completely & absolutely askew. she gave me example after example of situations where she twisted reality & victimized herself. i'll share one - remember when i called her that morning to let her know cousin & aunt had shown up? i thought she would want to come over once they arrived, but she didn't. i thought she was still preparing food & that's why she wasn't coming over until later; nope, food was prepped the night before she was cleaning her floors. so i JOKED & said "you should come clean mine" because remember mine were dirty? she said i TOLD her "to come clean my floors."

alright, that's all i can say before i go ballastic.

christmas 09

it wasn't until late in the day on christmas eve that i decided what treats i was going to make...procrastinator extraordinaire, yes? yeah, so about 3pm i decided to make a pumpkin pie, a chocolate pie, chocolate chip cookies with some oatmeal thrown in there & some rasperry crumb concoction. oh yeah, & i cooked a pot of beans & made chicken tacos for dinner too. i finally finished about 9pm & was toast, but once Z went to bed, presents needed to be wrapped.

i thought after last year's "santa is your parents" statement the santa deal was done, but nope, it's still on. we received one present early in the month & when Z noticed it under the tree he asked "how come santa brought it early?" -> so no other presents under the tree.

we took Z to see santa this year [i know we're bad parents for never having done it before. he was too young to understand, then we were in hell for 4 years & santa doesn't go there.] i think part of the reason he wanted to go was a friend told him his younger sister pulled santa's beard off. i thought for sure the only reason Z wanted to go was so he could pull the beard off too, but surprisingly he didn't.

we got to bed about 1am. thankfully Z slept in until about 7:30, we heard him stirring & when we came out he had already organized all the presents into piles but not unwrapped a single one - impressive!

for being broke & unemployed we had a pretty nice christmas - I got B a bunch of shirts & a wallet, B got me a new camera & Z got a ton of toys. oh & we got a family wii from B's mom, which is painful but fun.

the presents my mom sent, well, i couldn't bring myself to put them out as wrong as that may be. i was afraid Z would ask why grammie wasn't here, why did she mail the presents, etc. questions i didn't have a real answer to myself & that in itself made me upset - why was i the one that had to explain her craziness to him?

B's parents visit

yeah, i know, i'm late, the visit was a few weeks ago...

i picked them up from the airport & it really was a gorgeous day in SD. B was at the apex of finals chaos & group studies so he was a bit pre-occupied & Z had to go to school. the house was kinda quiet & finally when B & Z were both free, a storm hit & it rained the entire time. so, we didn't do much other than hang out.

B's mom made some chicken & dumplings one night. i had some chicken that needed to be cooked & for the life of me i could not figure out a dang thing to make with it. i was starting to catch a cold & of course, my period had just started too, so i was useless & lost in the kitchen. B's mom had talked about making dumplings before, something i'd never tried, but she found a recipe in one of my cookbooks & decided to give it a whirl.

let me tell you something pretty strange....she followed the recipe...to the T. weird right? i mean even when she measured out the flour, she asked for the dry measuring cups, not the liquid measuring one. this is something WAY new for my kitchen. & when she cooked the chicken she measured out the water. & when i asked if she wanted to put some onion, celery & garlic in there she said the recipe didn't call for it.

wha?
[please note that although i'm kinda making in fun of her, i just mean it's so completely different from the way i've seen my family cook, it's not a bad thing at all, just way different.]

we did end up straying from the recipe in the end [i win!] b/c there wasn't a lot of liquid & she was going to drop the dough in there & we figured we'd end up with a solid mass of chicken & dumpling rather than a soupy/gravy like thing. we added an entire can of chicken broth & it ended up perfect.

so now, i'm thinking maybe i should try & follow recipes more closely.
maybe.

fa la la la la shit

3 week anniversary past yesterday. yes, i was completely aware of the day, but for the most part i was able to push it out of my head. but then, i saw the postman drop something off at the door & when i looked, it was from my mother -> she mailed Z's christmas gift.

so i guess that means she's not coming over for christmas....
& probably doesn't want to celebrate her 60th birthday a week later.

i haven't bought a christmas present for her yet. i try to think of something she would like, but am unable to. when i'm out shopping, i look for stuff for her, but nothing feels right. i don't think i can buy anything until i'm in a better place about the situation & i'm not sure what that's going to take. i was feeling somewhat better about it, but then the box arrived & made it new all over again.

the simple fact that she won't tell me what's going on makes me think that whatever is wrong, what ever i did, was really nothing, but something she's completely, absolutely blew out of proportion to epic dimensions in her head....

continuation from yesterday

as if the morning wasn't chaotic enough, by the time school was out i was debating if i should let Z go to his afterschool place to play & get out some of that energy or did i think he was wore out from the day's events & needed to come home to rest? i decided there were only 2 more days of opportunity [read - me time] & i didn't want to waste them so i let him stay. i'm guessing not more than 3 minutes passed from that decision point when my phone rang.

it was the afterschool place, relaying a message i've heard too many times "come get your kid, he hit somebody".

the head lady there has been really working with us. yeah, Z's had trouble before, over the past couple of weeks it's been him not following direction & staring down some of the leaders. isn't that crazy? yeah, i know they're teenagers, but they are adults, still wet behind the ears but adults & Z tries to threaten them with his facial expressions.

this time he kicked another kid because they were playing tag & Z didn't want to be it. he needs to either learn to play or sit it out. [unfortunately this is from me, that's why i don't play & Z has to figure out what's going to work for him.]

the program director wants to kick Z out, but the head lady is actually on Z's side & told her boss how we always pick him up right away when he acts up & sometimes we don't allow him to go the next day as punishment, but as of right now, his status is up in the air.

as punishment Z wasn't allowed to dress up for pj day today & he only went to school for a couple of hours because it was a party day. i didn't even let him stay for the pizza lunch & of course, he didn't go to the afterschool christmas party either.

i hate that he's putting us in this position at this time of year.

Z got in a fight with a fire hydrant, guess who won?

i gave it all away in the title didn't i?
let me tell you how my day has gone [wow, my typing is absolutely atrocious right now, i can't even type a 3 letter word right.]

5:45am woke up & thanked God that i don't have to get up that early for anything
7:21 woke up, finally had a decent night's sleep, got the boy up
7:34 helped the boy tie his shoes because he's forgotten how to do it & insists on doing it his own way which doesn't ^*&*&^ work
7:48 i'm changing when i hear Z crying & yelling for me, so i run out to find him sitting in a pile of tears with his shoes off. his socks slipped into his shoes & he didn't like it so he took his shoes off to fix the socks but then couldn't tie his shoes so he sat there & cried.
7:52 talked to B about cancelled christmas party [boohoo] while Z brushes his teeth
7:55 missed the phone call from my aunt O
8:01 we're in the car & late for Z's reading lab
8:06 drop Z off, tell him to ask the reading lab dude something, hugs, kisses, goodbyes, etc
8:15 back home, continue conversation w/B, get my coffee & tell him i'm going to call my aunt. i'm sure she's running interference for my mom, but this is not something i want to put off.
8:20 i'm looking for my phone to call her aunt when B tells me it's in the bedroom ringing. it's the school, Z fell & hit his head on something on the playground & i should come take a look at him. [really, i kinda didn't hear a lot of that because after i hear the word playground i'm wondering why the (&(*& wasn't Z in reading lab?!?!?!?!?]
8:27 get to school & see a decent size egg on Z's left temple, ask how he's doing? fine. so then why was he on the playground & not in reading lab? he forgot. i go talk to the reading instructor to check Z's attendance & he said it's been good. then i went to his classroom to see if he would miss anything if we brought him home & she said it would be fine. the bump was turning blue so we decided he should come home & relax for a couple of hours.
8:45 we all come home & have Z sit in bed for a spell
8:50 i call my aunt back, i'm anxious about the call now that i've had a little time to think about it, but she doesn't answer.
9:04 aunt O calls me, just chit chat; i guess she's just checking in on my mother's behalf.
9 - 11 i check on Z every 20 minutes or so, he's fine & the bump is going down.
10:38 Z feels well enough to get up & have an orange
11:03 take the boy back to school & he tells me what happened - he was playing tag with Isabelle & he turned & ran into a fire hydrant. [so now i understand why he 'forgot' about reading lab bc he told me previously he wanted to get a christmas present for her, so he must have a crush on her.]
11:20 happy to be child-free again i head off to walmart to p/u a few things i forgot.
12:14 get home & realize my present boxes are larger than my mailing boxes.
1:47 presents wrapped & craft skills have been put to the test to make everything fit in those *%&^% mailing boxes.
2:23 dropped the *%&^% mailing boxes off at the post office.
2:47 finally get something to eat & notice my still 1/2 full cup of coffee on the table from this morning.

it's that time of year

well, i looked for a post last year, but didn't find one, but i did find one for K year, the penquin play. this year the school had a musical performance; Z's class sang feliz navidad & jingle bells.

Z was pretty robotic for the first song; serious face, eyes locked on the leader, very little hand motions. jingle bells was even better, er worse, i guess it depends on how you look at it. i don't think he sang more than a couple of words & his bell ringing was so far out of rhythm even B was laughing.

he was trying, really hard, just singing + hand motions + bell ringing = too much for the lil guy

the irony of my life

sundays are the days when i really notice the absence of my mother in my life. i normally call her randomly throughout the week for something here & there, although sometimes that doesn't happen, but the sunday phone calls almost always do.

just a few days after "the call" i was-this-close to picking up the phone to ask her something because i was making tortillas for the first time. wonder how well that would have went? uh, oops, i forgot, you're not talking to me....

i'm still angry, still hurt, still completely unaware of what i did wrong.
it's christmas.
we're finally back home after 4 years.
i have a 7 yr old child that is completely aware of her absence & i'm left to explain it.
nice.

so yeah, 2 weeks & no talk....
but, guess what?
on sunday, my dad called.

did you get that? my dad
i know weird huh?

i hadn't seen him since Uncle M's funeral last august. the last time we spoke i didn't know we were moving & when i tried to call him the # didn't work. so when we moved we lost connection, although he knows where my family is & can get in touch with them. my aunt O told me he'd visited her just after my reunion & my nana told me he'd come over when she got out of the hospital; it was just a matter of time.

he was a bit confused, started talking about how he saw me 6 months ago at the funeral [um, more like 16 months ago]. he did get the back surgery done & he's doing better except while he was recovering he contacted TB, he's still taking meds for that. then he told me he was supposed to come to SD & he was planning on stopping by but his trip was cancelled.

um wha?
haven't seen or talked to him in over a year & we ain't ever been on great terms, but he's making plans to come visit with no notice.

got singer?

the saturday after B was rear-ended we visited nana. i had planned on going during the week, but had been putting it off & it worked out well to go on the weekend so the boys could go with me.

the visit was nice, nana was talkative & she enjoyed having B & Z around [they are entertaining]. nana still has 24 hour care & this time we met the main caregiver. when we asked if there was anything they needed, she gave me a list. we headed over to walmart & picked up a ton of stuff.

the doctor lifted nana's diet restrictions, but body limits what she can eat. she told me she when he first gave her the ok, she ate a hamburger & french fries, it was really good but couldn't keep it down. yeah, that's kinda heavy when you haven't had solids in weeks....i didn't ask if she'd had a beer yet....

then she asked if i was going to take the sewing machine. we had brought the truck. & she was finally home [so no one could say i took it]. but UGH!!!! the reality of it, still hurt.
it took the both of us to move it because although it's on wheels, they're tiny little metal ones that don't roll very well. B strapped it down in every conceivable direction with probably a dozen different ties & we brought the singer home.

we unloaded it & left it in the garage. i hadn't really looked at it since that little spell after hs when i went to live with nana. actually, i probably didn't even look at it then, it was just there in the room with me. the wooden top is basically plywood with varnish, hinges on the left side so it flips to the side. inside there's an opening; the bottom part lifts up towards you with one hand, while you use the other hand to lift the machine out, above where it needs to sit while you return the bottom part back in place to form a lip so the machine sits level.

i brought the drawers into the living room, planned on cleaning them out in the morning, but when i started taking the stuff out of them, i decided i couldn't. the contents: some of my nana's old pink rollers, an army guy, a blue peg from my lite-brite, etc. i decided those things belonged in there. after a few tears of course.

the link i previously used to show what the sewing machine looks like doesn't work & i did some searching to find another one but was unable to. when i get a chance i'll post my own pics.

catching up with Z [not with depeche mode]

time flies in december...
november too, because remember i talked about Z's teacher nominating him for a lil award thingie? [here] well on friday [i don't remember which one now] but he got it! on fridays the school has flag salute outside & they recognize top readers, etc & they also had a "most improved for the 1st trimester", granted there were several, but Z was one of them & he got to walk up in front of the entire school. he also got a new tag (military style) to add to his necklace as part of the deal.

then last week make that 2 weeks ago, we had a meeting for the title 1 reading program that Z's been going to. it was raining, which you know in california = treacherous weather, so i kinda didn't want to go but we did. it was quick & i checked in w/the instructor on how Z was doing; he said Z had improved so much he was actually on the cusp of being at grade level but beings he was enjoying it so much they were just keeping him in there [why mess with a good thing?]. i was so relieved & glad that they were keeping him in the program just as good measure.

i'm so thankful for all the help he's finally getting at this school. he would probably be failing 2nd grade if we'd stayed in the desert & we'd probably have him tested for IEP by now. not that it would be a bad thing to have him tested, but it's obvious he just needed this little bit of help & that the problems he was having learning were so bad & so frustrating, that he was lashing out at everyone.

ok, last week [really this time] Z's teacher asked for some extra help so i was in the office doing stuff & i ran into the title 1 instructor guy. he told me state representatives had come in to review the program & Z was one of the kids they'd chosen to interview! the teachers chose the kids who'd benefited the most from the program & that's definitely Z.

the funniest part about it is afterwards when i asked Z about it, he told me he got another new tag for "principal's club" & that means he can sit at the principal's table during lunch, but most importantly he wanted me to understand sitting at the principal's table was a good thing & that he wasn't in trouble!!!!

yup, sitting at the lunch table with the principal is very different from sitting in the principal's office.

B's accident

the other day i was contemplating about talking w/B about raising the deductibles on the car insurance; it's been quite some time since we've had a claim & we could save some $$. he's been busy with school [end of the semester fun times & all], so it was a conversation that could wait...& i'm really happy about that, because:

B was on his way to class, stopped at a red light, when car 2 (behind him) rear-ended him because car 1's (behind car 2) brakes failed. thankfully, B was totally fine & the truck suffered minor damage. honestly, i must say, dodge you make a sturdy truck as only the tailgate was dented slightly although car 2's (an explorer) front end was mashed up. i'm sure the back of it didn't fair too well either.

turns out car 1 had their brakes worked on just the day before at the toyota dealership. i don't know how well they worked before the vehicle was taken in, but i'm gonna go with they worked worse afterwards. the guy said he pressed his brakes [near the steering wheel, he was disabled] but nothing happened! how scary is that? considering the circumstances, everyone was very fortunate.