the boy is 9

wow, 9 years old.....

on sunday, yup, just a week before, we made plans & bought tickets to fly out to chicago to visit B's family for Z's 9th birthday. told you we're procrastinators extraordinaire!

before we left for our trip, grandma C's present (a remote control truck) & UC&AK's presents (2 games) arrived & were opened. we also decided to let him open our gifts; a baseball bat, glove & balls, then a mix of hodge podge (modeling clay that you shape, bake, then use as erasers; bags of marbles, shrinky-dink paper [B's never used it, crazy huh?]).

we flew out friday evening, arriving at midnight. the first few days there were dark, heavy clouds & raining. we visited B's grandma, she corrected us that we hadn't been back to visit in 3 1/2 years, we thought it was 4. amazing that a 93yo woman can remember such details!

for the birthday we took Z to the movies to see the new kung fu panda movie (it wasn't so great). B's mom invited a co-worker's 9yo son along, so Z had a friend. we got some filled twizzlers & the boys had a contest who could eat the most while watching the movie. i sneaked 1 while they were entranced; the candy was gross, plastic tasting. i was sure at least one of the boys would get sick after eating so much of that awful candy.

after the movie we went to a arcade type place; they had outdoor activities but bc of the rain all that was closed. the boys had a good time with the games & pizza though. Z actually requested indian food for his birthday but we told him we would do that back at home, sure grandma C would not care to participate in that meal.

back at grandma's house we had cake. it was a little different to celebrate the birthday this way, but i hope he enjoyed it.

9 years old, i can't believe how time has flown.

thanks, that's just what i needed

my mom came over to visit Z before our big 9th birthday trip to chicago. we went down to pick the boy up from school & i was updating her on Z's add/adhd eval & the red folder eval (academic, behavioral, psychological via the school).

not that expected praise or anything, i was just trying to keep her involved, aware. i should have known that my mother would take the opportunity to kick me in the gut when i'm weak though. just coming to terms with actually going through with the evaluations has been hard enough on it's own, acknowledging that yeah, something's not right, we need help, was devastating.

she blames our parenting on all of it.
we are overly strict, we do not give him options, we are keeping him immature.

my first response was "really, do you want to talk about this here & now?" we were at Z's school, in the middle of a group of other parents all waiting for a swarm of kids to come out within minutes.

she's gone on & on about how Z's holding on to "old hurt" for years she finally explained that when Z was 3yo & we came to visit B yelled at him for changing the tv channel. wow, who's really hanging on to that one? not Z i tell you.

she has no idea what it takes to raise the boy, how much effort to keep the fence in check bc he's always right there making sure it's being enforced. did B over-react, sounds like it, but i can also say she doesn't know how many times he's been told things repeatedly or what about the simple fact that his behavior should be better when he's at someone else's house?

i went on to tell her no one's born a perfect parent & we were entitled to our own mistakes, he is our child. he's immature bc that's how he is, it's not a result of poor parenting.
uh, she cut like a knife & i was beyond pissed.
thank you once again mom, for being such a supportive parent, maybe you should heed a few of the lessons you're so willing to dole out!

we went home & the discussion was over, of course, she wouldn't dare say such things in front of B. i barely spoke with her, her departure couldn't happen quick enough for me. she did apologize say she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.
really?
how do you attack someone like that & not?

not working

so, work, um, yeah......

i did get a letter regarding this interview & they selected another candidate. a good call i admit, call me for something else though.

i went on another interview the monday before nana's services. yeah, it wasn't easy to push everything aside, put on a happy face, answer questions & be sparkly. sparkly is difficult for me under normal circumstances, it's just not me, recent events made this a real feat. i thought everything went well, the job & company sounded good, the pay was less than what i wanted, but it was a job. a week later i received notice they'd hired someone else.
that hit hurt.

i also received 2 letters from the city that although i met their minimum requirements for 2 office clerk positions there were MANY other higher qualified candidates. 15+ years experience & a BS degree puts me at the bottom of the list? i guess they have MBA's doing their filing....

a few weeks ago i applied for a position at the jr college down the street & also tested for an office job with the county. this week i had 2 phone interviews (same company).

i haven't had a chance to write about what happened with my mom yesterday, but bc of it i had a really hard time sleeping last night. the 2nd interview was this morning. i was nervous, i talked too fast, my voice wasn't right & i kept clearing my throat to no avail. i really have no clue what the interviewer thought of me, she did say that a lot of my skills history aligned with what they were looking for but she didn't say anything about contacting me again for followup.

nana, Z, my dad, my mom....
today i say f-it,
i've had enough people.

cub scout camping...for reals this time

we were at our wit's end with the boy. we'd already decided he wasn't going on the 3rd grade outing, which hurt to take away, but dang when you put that on the line, the kid shouldn't try to call your bluff.

we've punished, we've rewarded, nothing negative, nothing positive works. NOTHING...

Z was on restriction for 2 weeks, it didn't phase him one bit. B & I were miserable though. it took an outsider looking into tell us we were only punishing ourselves. so to get out of our funk & try to start over we went on the camping trip, letting the boy know if he tried to pull anything, we would pack everything up & come home.

we got there friday night & set up. although we didn't want to get there too early, setting up took longer than we anticipated & we still had to go back to town & get groceries for dinner. one would think with all the planning & premeditating we wouldn't be that far off, but we ended up having dinner while most of the kids were already in their tents supposedly sleeping.

first day up early of course, it was hard to sleep with all those nature sounds! we went for a hike around the lake, there were tons of squirrels around. the leaders made sure to tell all the boys to leave them alone, keep their distance, blah, blah, blah, then suddenly someone threw a water bottle at them. my first inclination was "thankfully that's not Z bc he's over" & as i start looking for where i think he is, he isn't, he's standing right where the bottle came from. of course.....

just can not control himself.
it's almost like he doesn't hear the "don't" part of the instruction.

anyways we told him that was it, that was his 1 chance, blown the first morning. he was good for the rest of the trip, but part of that might have to do with the simple fact of our setting. yes, compared to some of the other boys, Z was quite well behaved. it seems as though cub scouts is the central hub for add/adhd boys; many of the boys there we learned have been diagnosed & on medication.

there were workshops for the boys to earn some badges & they also retired a flag. i had never seen the ceremony before, it was moving. Z was really affected by it, something i would have never of guessed. during the ceremony one of the leaders spoke with him bc it was obvious he was not taking the situation lightly. after the ceremony i explained to him again we were honoring the flag & disposing of it the proper manner, he still was very upset though. some of the other cub scout came over & told them they cried the first time they witnessed a flag burning & the main cs leader came over & read additional info to Z to try to get him to come to terms with all of it.

B had participated in the ceremony so he wasn't aware of what was going on for some time, we don't know if his involvement played a role in Z's response, but B also tried explaining it to Z again. even walking back to our camp site he was still very upset & told me he didn't want to see that again. once he started playing he got over it & had a good time though.

the next morning we got up to misty weather, it's so much fun putting away a damp & muddy tent let me tell you. our cs camping trip was a success.

Z antics

in the midst of all the nana going ons Z was not one to fade out of the limelight:

- one day i found, laying in a stack of papers near his backpack, his progress report. out of 8 behavior sections 6 either needed improvement or were unsatisfactory (even lower than N). teacher wrote that he is very distracted & often needs directions repeated. she also rated his reading & writing at 2- & +, respectfully, which is partial mastery of grade level.

- then he was kicked out of his afterschool program for choking a girl. he claims it was an accident, that they were playing bunny ears & they were running towards each & somehow he accidentally caught her neck. who knows, at this point he's lied a lot, got into so much trouble for hitting other kids, we will never know the truth.

- next i received a phone call from my bff peggy, the vp. she asked if Z had told me about their conversation, of course not. then she went on to tell me a parent had come in to complain about Z, same parent/child from the last episode. the boy feels bullied by Z. Z acted like he was going to break the boy's necklace & while they were standing in line somehow or another Z was horsing around & he ended up making the boy fall down & break his glasses.

- a few days later Z returned to the afterschool program & within 2 days he was kicked out again. this time for punching 2 girls in the stomach. he said he was playing ball with a boy, the girls came up & tried taking the ball away from them. he didn't admit to hitting them though, he said they ran into his fist, accidentally....

this was all going on while i was trying to recover from losing nana.

i called the pediatrician, picked up a form for add/adhd & gave it to Z's teacher on monday. i told her the dr's office reviewed evals on tuesday, so she had the eval ready for me the next day. when i picked up Z from school to start our trip for nana's services, i dropped off the evals at the dr's office.

i felt broken,
a failure at parenting.

final farewells - day 2

we dressed & headed straight over to the cemetery; we were one of the first few people to arrive. aunt O was there already there, dressed in white, making a point that she wasn't in mourning. i was told later when someone said they were happy she was there she replied "why shouldn't i be here?"

the pastor spoke again, as did my uncles; then they passed around the little wooden box that held nana's remains. i refused to hold it, i just couldn't. when everyone had their opportunity the box was placed in the vault & after most people left i went & put my hand inside the little square space, on the box & said my final goodbye to nana.

we drove by nana's house one last time. her dog was still there but she wouldn't come to us. the sheds in back still had stuff that had been there for over 30 years. i saw the old timey high chair that was old fashioned when i was a kid. if we would have been in the truck i would have gotten it, but we were in the car, full to the brim & those sheds would be emptied soon. i did grab a bottle. a plain simple little glass bottle that would be trash to everyone else.

we'd been told my uncles had fixed up the house, things they c/wouldn't do when their mother lived there but c/would once it meant money in their pocket - painting, tiling, fumigating, etc. the house is in escrow or will be soon, it's been cleaned up & out. her things are gone & that door will never be open to us again.

we went back to the relative's house for another little visit, then came home.

final farewells - day 1

we made the trip down to the valley. we stopped to visit a cousin to settle the last of my dad's affairs, so strange to think he's been gone almost a year.

we made it to town about 5 & the funeral parlor doors opened at 6. all we needed to do was get some flowers, check in to the hotel, change & get there. in a small town should be accomplished in 1/2 an hour, even moreso when everything was pretty close together. not that i wanted to be the first one there, but i did want to get there somewhat early & visit with family & i had friends that would be there. my mom however had other plans, choosing flowers took forever.

at a grocery store.
with not a large selection.
round & round & round some more....

we checked into the hotel, changed, didn't even have time to put anything on my face & everyone was back in the car. well, my mom was dragging her feet, not that she was upset or anything, just not worried about getting there early...or somewhat on time for that matter. i had even gotten a few texts from friends & family who were worried that we hadn't shown up yet & she wasn't concerned.

we walked in at 7 & things were already rolling, it was not awesome. i felt like i was insulting my nana by showing up so late. we scurried up to the front to sit with the rest of the family. a pastor spoke, some guy sang, my uncles said a few words & so did my cousin ME.
she said she didn't know if she would ever be the same again.

after the services we finally got to say hello to everyone. nana's caregiver was so sweet & nice & even though i only understood 1/2 the things she was saying she made me cry so much. i saw my aunt O, although we knew she was coming i was still surprised to see her. i couldn't believe after years of not talking to her, of forbidding nana from uncle M's funeral & not ever going to see her in her final days, she would go to nana's funeral, but she did.

afterwards we met the girls (M & S) at a restaurant to hangout for a bit. then we went to a relative's house to visit with family for a few hours.

oh & at the parlor B & cousin ME got hit on by the same guy.
well, B claims he was not hit upon, ME knows she was & M, S & I all think it really looked like B was getting hit on, so it counts.

friday/saturday

i was tired & went to bed early, but i had a difficult time falling asleep. i got up at 11, unable to fall into a deep sleep the best remedy was to eat something. i got up again at 3, it wasn't that i was hungry, but i still couldn't sleep. i tossed & turned, when i did sleep it wasn't restful. i kept on hearing this song, it's the theme from the novela nana & i used to watch.

i remember waking up hot, not from the room temperature though it felt like i was running a fever. i know i was awake after 4:30 as i was contemplating getting up to read, but i eventually at some point early in the morning fell asleep. i got up shortly before 10; my body felt heavy & my head was foggy, i thought i was getting sick.

i had just received an email from my uncle [fyi, my uncle is oft known for getting the carriage before the horse, having sensitivity issues & mostly [at least in my book] for being an ass] announcing nana's FUNERAL, i was astounded [yet again] at his level of assery.

B & I sat there & talked about it. B said he hoped nana lived beyond the date. then, ugh, B made the leap that possibly nana was gone. [fyi, sometimes i really hate how often he's right!] B suggested i call my uncle, but i didn't want to. either way it would not be good - a) i'd tell him what an ass he was for sending out a funeral announcement while she's still alive, 2) if she had passed i would tell him what an ass he was for, X) not calling me, 11.1) not stating that minor detail in the email.

so i called the facility & when i asked them about nana's status they replied "didn't hospice call you?" when i said no, the nurse informed me she had passed early that morning about 6am, so i told her i would come in to gather nana's things.

i texted cousins C & ME, then called my mom.

B came with me to get nana's things & my mom met us there. nana's side of the room had already been emptied, all personal belongings were gone, nothing of her was left behind. her roommate was there, she cried for us. my mom spoke with her while i went to talk with the nurses & get nana's things.

i asked the nurse for nana's time of death so she looked at the chart; at 11pm hospice noticed nana was bleeding, she passed at 5:03am. they gave me nana's bags of clothing & other belongings which we had planned on going through there, but it was much too sad. nana's roommate had left bc it was too hard for her to stay there as well. the roommate told my mom she had been woken up at 3am bc of the commotion going on in nana's side of the room.

my last visit

thursday morning i had jury duty, luckily it was over by lunchtime. i came home, ate & then went to see nana. i took a book & read to her, something i had never done before but it was so much harder to sit with her now. the non-responsiveness, the vacant stare, it just wasn't her anymore.

they brought in her lunch, it had been changed to puree. i tried to feed her but she would only take a couple of bites & when i tried to give her water she was no longer able to get it to come up the straw, only blowing bubbles instead. she tried & tried but her muscles wouldn't cooperate, so i put my finger over the end of the straw to hold the water in place, then put the straw in her mouth & released my finger so the water would fall into her mouth.

when i told the nurse about the bubbles i could see in his face this was notable. he went & spoke with the charge nurse, then came back & fed nana some more food. he was definitely better at it than i am. he told me his mother died in mexico, that nana meant a lot to him bc he wasn't able to be with his mom when she died.

the hospice nurse came in when i was about to leave. she looked nana over & took her vitals while i gave her a run-down of how nana had been. nana's blood pressure was good, but she said her heart was beating quickly & that could be a sign of organs shutting down. she also said nana had a slight temperature & noted her jaundice was returning.

based on nana's status, she decided to change her to the highest level of care. she said although unlikely, her condition could change & they could change her back to a lower level, but most likely nana only had a few days left.

i came home & emailed my uncle & ME about nana's change.
the next day, friday, my mom & ME visited nana.
Z told me he wanted to visit nana, i planned on taking him saturday.