hs get together

once we figured out B's school schedule would allow him to come with the next thing was Z. my mom actually had the weekend off so she could [& offered even!] to watch him, but we know his allergies go crazy there & he already had a cough. we considered for a few to bring him with & ask cousin C to watch him, but he wanted to stay with Grammie, so that's where he went.

we headed down to the valley late saturday, it's kinda nice to not be in a rush for the trip. when we got into town we picked up some food & headed over to C's lil apt. it's a really cute 2bed apt, just perfect for her & not-so-baby C. considering it's her first place & she's only been there a couple of months, she's got it pretty together too.

we headed over to the party about 8ish; it was surprisingly warm for dec in the desert, windy though. it was great to see the gang, we hung out the backyard, old school style. we are getting old though, after a couple of hours it was time to eat & about an hour after that it was time to go in & sit, we can't drink or stand they way we used to!

i think we left about 2:30, cousin C went out too, so i had her house key. i texted her & let her know we were in, so she could call me when she got home. i know i woke up at least once, worried that she'd called & i didn't hear it & she was sleeping outside her own apt! yeah, we would so not be invited over again! hahaha! about an hour later she did call, i remember my voice was gone & i could hardly speak, i don't even know what i said or if she even heard me, but i got the door open to let her in.

the wind was crazy bad & woke me up throughout the night i mean morning. sun Z had a cub scout bike ride so we had to leave early to get there on time. my voice hardly came back, but i surprisingly felt alright considering the alcohol & lack of sleep, at least for the drive.

old roomies

this is the year of 39 for us, seems weird to be that age. i don't feel that old, but it's hard to think of yourself as all that young when people your age have multiple grandkids.

i headed down to the valley to meet the girls, my sisters, well at least 2 of them, the 3rd is far away. i took care of some things [which i'll discuss here] then went over to visit M & baby. it was already about 1pm so they were resting from the morning festivities that i had missed. M & I had quite a bit of catching up to do, i haven't been able to email much & the blog doesn't get updated as much as it should & even when it is, it's not what it used to be....i never promised this place to be all fun, but i tried to keep it light until things got too heavy to bare.

baby is in my favorite stage, running around babbling & into everything, she wasn't even cranky when she was tired. we talked & she adventured, before we knew it she past out in bed for her nap. then the birthday girl (S) showed up as i was heading out to run an errand. when i returned baby was waking up & birthday girl was primping & blowing up balloons.

we headed over to S's grandma's house where her family was all waiting for her. even though it's her grandma's house, it's funny how they all have that feel of comfort & warmth. we hung out in the backyard & listened to music, that's valley style. we told stories & we laughed, no tequila shots & no dancing on speakers...maybe at our next get together?

you know you're good friends when the time span from your last talk/email/whatever doesn't matter, you start talking like you're in the middle of conversation bc that's what it is, it started sometime ago & simply continues.

when i was a kid

i used to think i was adopted. i would spend hours looking at my birth certificate searching for white out, typos, something that would tip me off that it was a fake. i didn't think it was possible that i could truly be related to my parents; adoption had to be the answer.

physically i look nothing like either one of them. my mom is a short, compact, curvy, black haired, brown eyed mexican woman. my dad is a tall, thin, lanky, dirty blond, blue eyed, red skinned [native american indian background] caucasian man.

then there's me:
tall compared to my mother, but short compared to average.

i don't have long legs or a long torso, but i'm not compact the way my mom is either. on a good day, when she's wearing a highly supportive bra, i would say there's about 2" between the girls & her waist - so about as compact as one can get. i remember when i was a little girl & she would help me get dressed & she would pull my pants up, WAY up so they would sit what felt like my throat practically & finally i would yell "you're hurting my peepee" [seriously she was!] my pants so dang high! then she would tell me that's where her waist was [around her throat somewhere, so we're all clear...].

i'm not curvy. i'm getting curvy after having a child, turning 38 years old & finally getting a little meat on my bones. my mom however had curves that would stop traffic when she weighed 100lbs...

my hair is dark brown & my eyes are too, although not as dark as my mom's.

i guess i ended up being a weird mixture of the two.

**********************************************

lately on our trips to the library Z's been picking out some of the books they have on display. they're appropriate for his reading level, so i don't see the harm, but they're usually books that are a little off the beaten path. a few that he's brought home recently included something along the lines of:

"we just moved"
[we moved 6 months ago, no big deal] then there was:

"my adoptive mommy is the best mommy"
[it's good for him to learn about different family types] but the best one was:

"my parents are getting a divorce"
[which he got when the in-laws were visiting & i'm pretty sure no matter how much i tried explaining Z picked it out by himself, there was nothing behind it, blah, blah, blah, everything is fine with B & I, etc, that yeah, they think something is amiss. such is life].

then Z asked me the other day - am i adopted?

20 year reunion weekend - pt I

friday night
after visiting nana & getting settled in at the hotel for the weekend, we headed over to the bar to meet up with the gang. we walked in & i didn't recognize anyone, thankfully B saw Estupid & his beautiful wife in the back corner. the football game had just ended & people started trickling in. it was crazy to see so many faces that i hadn't seen in 20 years, some people still looked completely the same! & some people acted the same [both in a good way & bad way!]

the highlights:
javier from 6th grade mrs. hogan's class [i would not have remembered her name, but he did]. i didn't recognize him, he called me out on it & i recognized the voice. i knew his wife too [anna], a friend's cousin.
randall a guy who would never give me the time of day other than to insult my mixed lineage actually came up to me & said hello.
the girls, lots of them, so good to see, in addition to the gang there was: shelly, tina, letty, deena, isabel, veronica

i realized i was glad i haven't gone back with B to any of his reunions. i know i left him hanging a bit while i went out to talk to people. this was a big role reversal for us, typically we're in a situation where either he knows everyone & i'm out in the cold or at least we both know a fair share of the guests. if i went to one of his reunions i wouldn't know a single soul in the room except for him & he would be running circles, finally his chance to see me as the social butterfly after 13 years! [talk about rare occasions, right up there with haley's comet]

you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

but it isn't, it's mine & it's about me...
(fyi, that's a carly simon rip off if it's not clicking for you)

it's my 20 year reunion in a few years weeks. i know that can't be right, somebody screwed up with the math, i demand a recount! so although i'm looking forward to it, i realized something the other day, part of the reason why i haven't attended any of the previous reunions came to light.

see, Z & I were off to the library again, in the vw. oh yeah, the vw is fixed-ed. i'm not going to say 'fixed' because it isn't truly, it's a shade of fixed, ergo fixed-ed. so far all the alarms & lights have stopped after B put it together, the window works & so do the locks. what doesn't work? i can't open the door from the inside. i wasn't sure if i should drive the car, but then i remembered the parking fiasco & decided worrying about how i would get out of the car if i got in an accident was better than facing the parking lot in the truck.

before we headed out is when the epiphany happened, not only has 20 years past, i'm 38 [wth? how did that happen? more importantly when did that happen?] & i still don't have a clue on how to be a girl. i can't fix my hair up nice & don't know how to put on make-up.

for the first time in my life a few weeks ago i got an expensive haircut. she didn't really do much with my hair, but she did tell me that because of the various textures of my hair when i get a bad haircut, it's absolutely fricken atrocious with my hair. [oh wait a minute, maybe i did know that]. so i'll go back in a few weeks, one more round, hoping to come out with model hair...wish me luck. and as for my face, ugh, i'm actually thinking of going to a dept store, sitting in one of those chairs at a makeup counter & having them do me up. that should be a new level of hell interesting. i typically hate those makeup girls, they reek with disdain at those of us who aren't caked in layers of camouflage.

then there's the clothes. i know, clothes usually aren't a problem for me, but i'm not sure how dressy to go. i don't want to wear staple black pants & a top, i want to look nice but not overdressed & hoity-toity [i'm not sure you can do that while unemployed...& not independently weathly]. i made the mistake of asking B what the women were wearing to his reunion in July...stupid, stupid, i know....they were wearing jeans & sweatshirts [!!!!! with john deere tractors on them ].

BUDZ day

on fri while Z was at school B removed the entry tile while i cleaned up the backyard. then he took everything over to the dump while i used the grinder to remove the tile adhesive. i was sore for 3 days after that!

part of the reason we worked so hard was so we could take a break & drive over to visit a friend from hs. A couple of us managed to set up a surprise visit in time with her graduating from nursing school (& birthday).

a visit to a city was great, even if it wasn't a big city, it was bigger than what we're used to. got to visit target & costco, so i was happy.

when the rest of the gang showed up we headed over & S was completely surprised, almost in tears. it was really nice how it all worked out.

i finally got to meet M's little beybey & she chewed on my thumb.

Z had fun, played in the pool then played wii with S's teenage daughter & friend, then finally just passed out.

we weren't able to stay for the actual pinning ceremony because we needed to get home & back to reality, but it was a nice get away & it was great to see my buddies!

about being mexican

alright, so after last post, SIL brought to my attn how mexican i really am...although you would never know it by looking at me. [which i kind of like that people look at me & wonder "what is she?" - i'm human!]

my nana (mom's mom) has told me when i was a kid, before i started going to school, i spoke more spanish than english. although i find that strange, i know when i'm tired, real, real tired my enunciation changes.

as in 'chair' becomes 'share' & 'chicken' becomes 'shicken'.
[i just say my mexican is coming out]

another thing i've noticed is when it comes to eating, especially leftovers, B (the white guy) always makes a sandwich while i put everything in a tortilla. flour or corn (preferably yellow, white doesn't cut it), fried or heated on the flame.

yes, on a flame.
just like nana's does it.
or on the comal if you want to get REAL mexican.
but please don't f-it up & put it in the microwave.

oh, & how about this, i didn't even know there was a white version potato soup until i was in my early 20s! funny, it ties to last post as the vieja had potato soup one day & i remember saying something to her about it because it was white & she asked me:

"well, what color is it supposed to be?"

i only knew of the red tomato sauce based potato soup.

& finally, the teasing song. you know the song kids tease each other with right? i never thought much of it until i heard B say:

"nanny nanny boo boo"

& i was like 'wth was that?'
you're supposed to say:

'le-doh le-doh leeee-doooohhhhh'

about silver

i like silver but i can't wear it, something about my body chemistry tarnishes it right away.

the first time i wore silver jewelry i was a kid, maybe 7 or 8. it was crucifix my grandma B had given my father & he had given to me. the cross was made of silver & Jesus was made of gold. so being a crucifix & all there were religious connotations then add on the sentimental value of being past down from generation to generation.

the very first morning i woke up after sleeping with the necklace on, it was black. i thought what any kid would think:

that i was a child of the devil

damien & i were kin

i think i even cried

i cleaned as best i could & put it away, so no one could see it.

it wasn't until years later when i blackened another piece of jewelry & someone told me it was tarnish, from my skin reacting with the metal.

it was great to find out i wasn't satan's spawn.

i <3 FB

for the past 2 days FB has kicked some serious ass!
I have cried so many tears!!!!!
from laughing.

our 20 year reunion is coming up & SL has posted some (a lot) of pics from our early days. it's been absolutely hilarious. i've had the best time. i've laughed so hard.

pics of us not spray painting places.
not going to TJ.
not a single boyfriend bartender
you know things like that....
the back & forth comments have been a blast too.

what i'm really saying here is not that i <3 FB.
it's that i <3 my friends.

SL, MA, CRDG (dang mexican always gotta have all those names).

you guys are the best!

2001 - the year all hell broke loose

B returned from Japan sometime in December (2000), before Christmas is all i can remember.
[history on that - by the time B entered my life, i had given up on boys. i figured out i was going to be a spinster. things never seemed to go right in that arena for me. when we met, first date, first kiss i made a point of not making a mental note of it. i didn't want to remember it to only be painfully haunted by it in the future. i was tired of celebrating anniversaries that never happened. talk about damaged goods....onward, please.]

shortly after B returned he proposed & we were engaged. he had waited to see how we weathered the deployment, evidently quite a feat to have survived it.

while he was in Japan i moved back to my mom's condo. i helped her with the mortgage & she helped me keep my sanity between working full-time during the day & schooling part-time at night. [it was a fair-trade, maintaining my sanity takes a lot of effort.] so our immediate task was to find a new apt; however the rates had gone up dramatically in the interim & we started looking at buying a house together.

yeah, funny how we were all about taking the relationship steps slow & once we were engaged we moved at lightening speed, huh? just you wait, we're barely in january people. on superbowl sunday we found the house & put a bid in on it. i remember looking at it, thinking it was more than a girl from a trailer park could ever dream of. to this day B jokes about how the 95lb girl dragged the 200lb marine around the house to show him every room.

in february we eloped. we had the full intention of not telling anyone other than my mother until we were financially stable enough to have a real wedding. (did you notice the use of had?) it was a rainy day & we decided to get the formality over before signing paperwork on the house.

over the course of the next few months we moved into the house & i focused on finishing my final semester of college (it was a bitch). graduating in may was such a relief; B was so proud of me it made me cry. our original plan was once i finished college we would have the real wedding & start our family. so once my head wasn't swirling from business classes & presentation crap we were out looking at venues & i was trying on wedding gowns.

then 9/11 happened & 3 short weeks later i found out i was pregnant.
the pregnancy story gets it's own post at later point in time. i can't get into it now. i wish i had a blog back then.

we visited B's family for thanksgiving that year & sprung the surprise on them. although they loved the idea, i know it was a tough pill to swallow - eloped & pregnant. i'm sure his family wasn't too impressed with the mexican girl from the trailer park at that point in time.

Japan, finally together

i was sidetracked at work today, i had a little work to do & in between that i was reading book 2 of twilight (which isn't as good as book 1, because Edward so far only has a very minor role).

anyways, so yes, finally after this drama & that drama, i was in B's room...alone. i don't know how long it was before he finally showed up. when he did i was worried that i may have gotten him in trouble beings base was on lockdown & he wasn't supposed leave; he wasn't or if denied it if he was, then he explained how we crossed paths.

he managed to get off base & go to the teeny airport. thankfully it was that small because when he couldn't find me he asked the people there if they had seen me & they told him i had taken the bus with a group to base. when he tried to return the beater car was having electrical problems from the heavy moisture in the air, delaying our reunion even further.

finally we made it, we were together again, on the same island & in the same room. for a few days at least.

okinawa is very small island, we had a fun time exploring it. we went to the downtown shopping district (B said the women really looked at me, like not only was i american, but i wasn't military, a rarity indeed), visited remains of castles & military standoff points from the war.

we spent most of our time swimming though. in the ocean. yeah, me, in the ocean. the water was warm, like mexico, but clear, not like mexico. i snorkeled for the first time. it was VERY strange. the worst part, which i still remember vividly was listening to my heartbeat. it was so loud, eerily loud, like i was in a hospital unconscious & a machine was echoing it out for the entire floor room to hear.

a little tip for those of you who haven't gone snorkeling before - it's not a good idea to scream underwater. it doesn't work very well. the screams kinda get muffled by all the water entering your mouth. it took me a couple of times to get that one right. i would get so excited at all the sea life i couldn't control myself & i would scream out. i'm pretty sure i killed a lobster, poor little guy never heard such a thing before.

the best part of okinawa is that it made me think that it was probably what hawaii used to be like long before it became commerical. the ocean was so beautiful & you could pull off the road anywhere & hop in. you could have your own private beach access point.

before we knew it, it was time for me to head back home. the return trip was uneventful.

getting to B in Okinawa

i'm having issues focusing, so i thought i'd simply continue the story from yesterday, here goes:

after being stuck in a foreign country with the group of strangers for 24 hours we learned we were all pretty much going to the same place. okinawa is a really small island & most americans don't have any business there unless they are going to a military base.

[in case you don't know your history (i didn't), after pearl harbor the agreement was to keep american military bases on the island to keep japan in check. ie, don't even think about pulling that shit again - so they don't like us there.]

ok, where was i? oh, yeah, so we go back to the airport, fly to the little island & land in the smallest airport on earth. really. i'm sure it is, but i'm not going to look it up. s.m.all (haha, remember that?)

thankfully i'm with this group of people & many of us are going to the same base, but, BUT!!!! we find out because of the the hurricane the base is on lock down. in case you don't get that - they aren't letting people OFF base...as in to pick people up from the airport. WTF?

first stuck in seoul, now at the airport, is someone filming this?

a group of people decided to take the bus to base & i decided that was my best option & went with them. (honestly, how completely out of character is that for me?) the bus dropped us off right outside the gate, however the street was at the bottom of a hill & the gate was at the top. at the time i didn't know it, but that hill is called 'sobriety hill' because it's such a bitch it will sober you up, well we got to take it with luggage sans alcohol.

i don't remember what the heck we did in order for the guards to let us in, but i was sore afterwards (i'm joking!). the reason i don't remember that part is because it was just the beginning of another fricken obstacle in my adventure.

finally on base, now to figure out where the heck my man is, yeah, that was monumental. so close yet so FAR.
where is the camera? this has to be someone's sick game right?

i don't know how many people i talked to. i walked here & there, everywhere. barracks, rooms, spaces, parking lots, all over. part of the thing was B's room wasn't where it was supposed to be, so they couldn't find the right place.

it was awful.
& i was beyond tired.

they finally found his room, but he wasn't there. he had snuck off base to go to the airport to get me. i didn't know it at the time, all i knew was he was gone. they didn't want to let me in his room because it was a mess. then they had a change of heart, probably realized with all the crap i'd been through i really didn't care what state the room was in & they were right. i just crawled in bed & went to sleep.

2 posts & we haven't even seen each other yet. talk about drawn out!

how that Japan trip started

i was tagged on facebook to write 25 random things about me, i copied practically everything from my about me page then added a few things.

then i started a little thing about the trip to Japan, so here's the background:
i was in my senior year of college, B was deployed & in Japan for 6 months. he worked out all the details for me & 3 months into his deployment i was off to visit him.

OC-D took me to LAX, international area was crazy busy. the flight was long & we weren't able to finish our last leg to Okinawa because there was a hurricane so we stayed in Seoul, S. Korea overnight. they bused us for what seemed like forever to a hotel out as far away from the airport as possible. i remember it reminded me of mexico, the buildings all hodge podge & very colorful. oh & it smelled like sewer, i couldn't believe they had the olympics there.

the hotel wasn't all that fancy, but they thought it was. i remember sitting on the floor in the lobby (because i was fricken exhausted) & the bell boy came over & made me get up off the floor. the rug had big stains on it & he was worried about me sitting on the floor & giving off the wrong vibe.

i had my mom's cell phone & luckily was able to reach her. this was back in 2000 & coverage was really bad, i told her i was stuck & she relayed the message to B.

for dinner they gave us salmon & french fries, it was the best american type food they could deliver. we had to share rooms, so i was put with another young woman, it could have been a worse match up i thought.

let me put this out there - i'm a light sleeper, got that? ok.
so we we're wiped from the flight & bus ride so we go to our room with 2 beds. i wake up in the middle of the night to...um, noise, let's go with that.

i understand that we all have our needs, but really?
are you serious?

yup, she was.
right there.
in the same room.
in the bed next to me.
just a few feet away.

what do you do in THAT situation, hmmm?
not fricken move one muscle was my choice & hope she didn't notice a change in my breathing. oh what am i talking about, she probably couldn't even hear my breathing. even if she could hear it, i'm sure she wasn't focused on it one bit.

so note to self, next time you share a hotel room with a stranger, make sure to tell them if then need private time, do it in the bathroom.
with the door closed.
PLEASE!

that was the highlight of my visit to seoul. the next day was a holiday for them so although we didn't get back on the bus until the afternoon we had nothing to do all morning at the hotel. i had to sit there & awkwardly be friends with this woman & look her in the face the whole time.

that was just the start of the trip...i hadn't even gotten to the right island yet. that's a whole different story.

hair conundrum

[i love that word - conundrum, fun to say!]

i got my hair cut on monday, i'm still sporting the soccer-mom-bob, although i don't think of it that way. i'm chic & stylish (remember i buy outfits at walmart? hmpf, maybe not so much...)
the bangs are growing out, so they are sideswept & the bob is about chin-length.

for the 3rd time the stylist has asked me "what are we going to do about color?"
now to some degree i realize it's a stylist's job to beautify (& make money) but i'm kinda stuck. i've been highlight my dark-brown hair forever, really since my teen years. when i was a kid my hair would lighten with the sun but by the time hormones started kicking in, my hair darkened so much mere sunlight wasn't powerful enough.

the only time i didn't highlight my hair was when i was pregnant & i didn't like the way my dark hair looked on me. now though i'm worried i'm one of those people, ok women, that doesn't change their look, ever, like i'll be 60 years old & still doing this, hanging on to that look that worked many, many years ago & not so much anymore. i might as well sport a bee-hive updo & heavy black eyeliner a la amy winehouse..it works for her right?

so i don't know if i should highlight the new growth or should i color it all something similar to my natural color & let it all grow out.
i guess part of this is in october (yes i realize in certain ways that's far away but in hair growth it isn't!) yeah, october, it's my 20 year high school reunion & i don't want to look like i'm trying to look like i'm still in high school.

oh yeah, & facebook has finally located a few good friends after being such an ass (remember strike #1, #2 & of course we can't forget #2.5).

facebook strike #2.5 (aka mess with the bull)

so i had the pleasure of that to which i did finally decide to respond with a simple "yes, it's me". (yeah, i know i totally wimped out, but i was making the best attempt i could to refrain.) i thought there was the possibility he may somehow have something important or worthwhile to say to me & i didn't want to just bite his head off right out of the gate. (see how nice i am!)

the same day he replied: wow i thought it was u. how have you been?

i decided no response was best...right?

his reply yesterday to my non-response: hey sorry for the message i just wanted to know how u were? goodbye

my bitch-mode switch flipped: m****, i'm not trying to be mean but after all these years is there really anything you & I need to talk about? do you need to know i'm ok?

i'm ok. i'm married & have a family.

i'm not sure what you want or expect. it's not like we were friends. you did some really awful things to me but i survived you.

---------------
i hope he's happy now.

UPDATE 1/13 - he apologized "for everything i put you threw" because he's all grown up now.

facebook strike #2

wth facebook, why you doing me like this?

when i signed in this morning to check things out, you didn't want to work. you were sluggish, had a rough christmas i guess. i closed the window & tried logging in a 3rd time because you were just S-L-O-W.

so i finally get in & check my notifications, no big deal.

go to my inbox to write a note to a friend. hey, i have mail.
bloody hell!
no seriously...
why? why? why?

i was contacted by an ex. a way, way, WAY ex that only reminds of what a foolish young girl i once was (& not in the edward cullen sense, that's real i tell ya!). when i was seeing him, i was at a very low point in my life. i can't believe i even gave him a second look, much less dated him or shed a tear over him. he was a liar & a cheater.

so here's the message: "hey you. just surfn and got on facebook and i thnk its you? but no sure? br***** or not let me know thanks, m"

is this for real? why would he contact me? what would he have to say to me after all these years? presuming i respond, i have something like this in mind: "yes, it's me. what do you want? i have nothing to say to you. go away. you're a bad person."

ever been f-ed by a friend?

both literally & figuratively?

when we met, there was a mutual attraction. we made attempts at a relationship, but he wasn't ready, so we stopped before we got into one.
we lost contact for probably a few years, but we had mutual friends (how we met originally).
our re-acquaintance was inevitable & after time, it was easy & we were friends again. he had a girlfriend & i had moved on. then he broke up with his gf & i was suffering from a(nother) broken heart.

we tried to just be friends, but the attraction we felt was strong. my friends would always ask "well did anything happen yet?" because even though we never did anything in front of them, the way we looked at each other our feelings couldn't be masked.

our goodbye hugs became longer & tighter at the end of the night. sometimes i would stay behind after everyone else left & we would just hold each other, not even kiss. he was my shoulder to cry on when i needed one & warm arms to hold me when i needed comforting. we would even go to his bed & fall asleep holding each other. still no kissing, we were trying to take it slow, trying to do it right.

then we finally did kiss...& clothes came flying off in record speed.
then we (he, really) stopped.

& that's how it ended.

what that boils down to: he never was my friend. he knew me too well. he knew it wouldn't casual with me. so he couldn't do it.

thank you facebook for that mutual friends list, seriously it cuts like a knife.

me & b&w

i haven't talked about this before, but i'm a photography enthusiast, specifically black & white old school. in my early days of community college i took several b&w photography classes, often repeating the same one just for the dark room time. yup, back when photos were taken with film & you had to develope it (which REALLY sucked), let it dry, then make a print of all your negatives & finally that's when the real good times started.

i loved working in the darkroom, it was where the magic happened. not just putting your film onto paper, but the tricks during the development process, that was the best part. i remember that's when i first learned i needed glasses as my instructor told me all of my photos were a little out of focus, well, they were in focus for my eyes!

i've always preferred b&w film because i feel as though it shows the truth, you don't get lost in all the color. i think i still have my photographer's eye, things still catch it; sometimes it's something obscure, other times it's something beautiful. i often switch my digital camera on to the b&w setting, but it will never replace that darkroom.

what inspired this post: this article on cnn.com.
a big thank you goes out to Katherine McIntosh, the child on the left; also to the library of congress for hosting the photograph; & of course to Dorothea Lange, my favorite photographer.

i guess part of the reason i love this photgraph so much is my mother & her mother were also "migrant mothers" so it really hits close to home. although i never went out to the fields, i went to the cantelope shed with my mother. my mom tells me stories of going to the tomato fields with her mother.

not approachable...

the other day B tells me i'm not approachable.
i responded with "bite me" - how's that for approachable?

B just doesn't understand a lot of things. his entire adult life he's been in the military, he doesn't know what the real world is like. B also doesn't know what it's like to be a woman, a competent woman at that. i spent so much of my life proving to no one but myself how much i could accomplish. then someone came into my workplace & let's just go with she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed but i learned from her how much she got away with because people had such low expectations from her.

i realize i don't come off as friendly; i don't want to, people take advantage of friendly. that's not to say i don't want to be friends with people, i just don't want to do their work for them. i don't mind helping people out, or teaching someone how to do something, but i'm not going out of my way to someone else's work so they can slack off. i've learned this the hard way, this was a huge point of contention at the soils co.

i've always worked in positions where i was the enforcer, that also makes for difficult situations. for some reason people don't get "just follow the rules & we can be friends" so i have to be a hardass & then they think i'm all bitchy. i'm not denying, i can & will be when needed, but really it's a rare occasion that i'm bitchy for no just cause. oh, i guess i should clarify, bitchy directed at someone not just in a bitchy mood, there IS a difference.

i do not mind not being approachable, it's part of who i am.

Ivan - 2a1

M couldn't remember tj boyfriend's name either, our memories of that time have fragmented over time. anyways she contacted the resident historian & alas, we have a name - Ivan.

thanks S!

M too for remembering the historian forgets nothing!