finally!

there was ice on my windshield this morning, finally cold here....i've been waiting for winter to hit & today was the day. tonight we head down to sd, tomorrow we board the boat & head to baja. i'm totally excited & a little nervous, i don't know what to expect & although it's a cruise, a vacation, it perplexes me.

needless to say, i look for things to worry about...like one of us getting sick or what will we forget (because you know there will be something)? did we pack the right clothes (even casual dining is dress up, crap!)? will my butt fit in my bathing suit (last time it was a little snug)? will we remember to call school everyday to tell them Z's "sick" (never mind the mariachi music in the background)? will there be wifi (i don't know if i can go that long with no connection & B's WOW addiction is worse than my bloggy addiction)?

speaking of, i got a call last night from my dr, my bloodwork results are in & we need to chat. a little more details on her vm would have been comforting but i guess dr's like to keep you on edge.

oh & in case you're keeping track, i have not talked to higher up about possible job with old company. whatever, i'm not going to stress over it.

12:30 update - bloodwork results were fine, good actually; however my pap came back abnormal = not good. will have to go in for re-inspection, snippets & other horrible things to my delicate lady parts - boohoo!

ever been f-ed by a friend?

both literally & figuratively?

when we met, there was a mutual attraction. we made attempts at a relationship, but he wasn't ready, so we stopped before we got into one.
we lost contact for probably a few years, but we had mutual friends (how we met originally).
our re-acquaintance was inevitable & after time, it was easy & we were friends again. he had a girlfriend & i had moved on. then he broke up with his gf & i was suffering from a(nother) broken heart.

we tried to just be friends, but the attraction we felt was strong. my friends would always ask "well did anything happen yet?" because even though we never did anything in front of them, the way we looked at each other our feelings couldn't be masked.

our goodbye hugs became longer & tighter at the end of the night. sometimes i would stay behind after everyone else left & we would just hold each other, not even kiss. he was my shoulder to cry on when i needed one & warm arms to hold me when i needed comforting. we would even go to his bed & fall asleep holding each other. still no kissing, we were trying to take it slow, trying to do it right.

then we finally did kiss...& clothes came flying off in record speed.
then we (he, really) stopped.

& that's how it ended.

what that boils down to: he never was my friend. he knew me too well. he knew it wouldn't casual with me. so he couldn't do it.

thank you facebook for that mutual friends list, seriously it cuts like a knife.

movie news: wall-e & a little twilight chatter

B bought wall-e the other night, we've already watched it 2x. it's an interesting story promoting the save the earth theme. wall-e is a trash compacting robot & the only one smart enough to repair himself, so he's all alone, except for 1 cockroach friend. (why only 1 i don't know, i would expect either none or a bazillion.)

humans have destroyed the planet & what's left of the species is living on an outerspace cruise ship. they send eva(h) to earth in search of life, she's the girl robot. there's very little dialogue...hello, robots speak in blips & bleeks.

anyways, it was cute. B liked it more than i did though.

oh, after watching the movie, Z said he was "wall-e" & i was "heaver". (heaver = evah in his mind) the best i could come up with was "yeah, momma's not a hoover, she is indeed closer to a heaver" (as in vom).

***********************************************
last night a commercial for twilight came on & B said something, i don't know, a commercial for twilight was on, aren't you following???
once it was over i asked him "what did you say?"
then he asked "do you really find him THAT attractive?"
"well...as Cedric he was rather handsome, but as Edward, um yeah, i do. it's not him so much as it is the character he plays."
B - "even with those big animal-like eyebrows?"
"yeah, i'm good" (i have one word for you honey - SSSHHHWWWIINNNGGG!)
B's unaware that he has mutant eyebrows too evidently...

me & b&w

i haven't talked about this before, but i'm a photography enthusiast, specifically black & white old school. in my early days of community college i took several b&w photography classes, often repeating the same one just for the dark room time. yup, back when photos were taken with film & you had to develope it (which REALLY sucked), let it dry, then make a print of all your negatives & finally that's when the real good times started.

i loved working in the darkroom, it was where the magic happened. not just putting your film onto paper, but the tricks during the development process, that was the best part. i remember that's when i first learned i needed glasses as my instructor told me all of my photos were a little out of focus, well, they were in focus for my eyes!

i've always preferred b&w film because i feel as though it shows the truth, you don't get lost in all the color. i think i still have my photographer's eye, things still catch it; sometimes it's something obscure, other times it's something beautiful. i often switch my digital camera on to the b&w setting, but it will never replace that darkroom.

what inspired this post: this article on cnn.com.
a big thank you goes out to Katherine McIntosh, the child on the left; also to the library of congress for hosting the photograph; & of course to Dorothea Lange, my favorite photographer.

i guess part of the reason i love this photgraph so much is my mother & her mother were also "migrant mothers" so it really hits close to home. although i never went out to the fields, i went to the cantelope shed with my mother. my mom tells me stories of going to the tomato fields with her mother.

newbie

i got a call last night from an old hs friend, she told me i needed to join facebook. yeah, i hadn't done that yet. i did the myspace thing years ago & still check on that, i didn't really feel or see the need in joining another community just to follow the pack.

anyhoo, she said it was the grown up version of myspace. so there, i did it, i joined, i'm a follower.

bonus, i log on from work! sweet!

just for clarification

yesterday, when i said "beatings" i was joking, i'm sure you knew that, but i felt the need to make sure we were all clear on that.

why?

because last night i was making meatloaf & in the middle of smashing some croutons with the meat tenderizer hammer/mallet thing & Z comes in & says

"is that what you're going to use on me when i'm bad?"

he's prepping for that call to cps, i just know it!

unhappy face....x4

Z acquired another unhappy face yesterday. this one for pushing another kid in class; he said they had a disagreement, the other kid pushed first, then Z pushed back & got caught.

the week before thanksgiving he got 3 unhappy faces...in one week! 2 for chasing girls 1 because he took a toy to school & repeatedly brought it out to play with during class.

i do not get this kid.

they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree; but Z is my polar opposite. i would be crushed & full of guilt for days if i were in his shoes....after only 1 unhappy face, 4 & i would probably send myself to solitary confinement for months. but these things don't phase him, he doesn't care about the unhappy face, the consequences at school & home or the fact that he's being mean to someone.

he's completely justified his actions & feels no remorse. is that a boy thing? or is something wrong with him?

update 3:15 pm - oh what a tangled web we weave....yeah that bs about pushing another kid was a lie. B went in & spoke with Z's teach this morning & she knew nothing about a pushing scenario. he got the unhappy face for being a stubborn little shrew; at one point he was arguing with another teacher that there ARE blue trees. this afternoon B got another call from teach because the boy is still causing trouble, even while sitting out recess he managed to dig that hole a little deeper.

fun times are to be had at our house tonight, come on over for the lecturing, beating & crying festival, fun will be had by all...

not approachable...

the other day B tells me i'm not approachable.
i responded with "bite me" - how's that for approachable?

B just doesn't understand a lot of things. his entire adult life he's been in the military, he doesn't know what the real world is like. B also doesn't know what it's like to be a woman, a competent woman at that. i spent so much of my life proving to no one but myself how much i could accomplish. then someone came into my workplace & let's just go with she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed but i learned from her how much she got away with because people had such low expectations from her.

i realize i don't come off as friendly; i don't want to, people take advantage of friendly. that's not to say i don't want to be friends with people, i just don't want to do their work for them. i don't mind helping people out, or teaching someone how to do something, but i'm not going out of my way to someone else's work so they can slack off. i've learned this the hard way, this was a huge point of contention at the soils co.

i've always worked in positions where i was the enforcer, that also makes for difficult situations. for some reason people don't get "just follow the rules & we can be friends" so i have to be a hardass & then they think i'm all bitchy. i'm not denying, i can & will be when needed, but really it's a rare occasion that i'm bitchy for no just cause. oh, i guess i should clarify, bitchy directed at someone not just in a bitchy mood, there IS a difference.

i do not mind not being approachable, it's part of who i am.