to the counseling appt for Z in the next few minutes....
we went back & forth over this last year, but then he seemed better. then he seemed worse. then he got suspended & we know we NEED to do this.
but it still doesn't feel good. i don't want to go. i feel like i'm going to be judged. that my parenting skills just aren't cutting it.
& although i originally thought taking Z to the counselor that i went to last year when B & I were having problems was a good idea, i no longer feel that way. i feel like the history she knows isn't truly representive of our home life, because when i was seeing her it was a really ugly time in our marriage. i hope she realizes that.
i hope she can help Z.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
my little emo
B's been on travel this week so that means i've had to take Z to school in the morning...& be late to work with a completely valid excuse! more importantly, i also got to sleep in an extra HOUR every day!
the other morning when the alarm went off & i was still somewhat asleep the radio was talking about how it was REALLY cooling off & i thought, excellent i can wear a long sleeve shirt today (it is october, right?). then they said the high was going to be around 88...
although i've lived in CA my entire life & countless people (including B) have told me CA doesn't have seasons, i'm used to, want, like, more seasonal change than this!
oh, back to our regularly scheduled post...this morning when Z was getting dressed, he puts on his black "jack the pumpkin shing" (nightmare before christmas) shirt. our household loves jack, we were introduced to it by OC-D. the 1st time i watched it i didn't like it much, but danny elfman's talent is undeniable.
then Z tells me he's going to wear his black pants too. in a way, i'm proud of my little emo, starting the black phase so early in life, but realize it's a bit much & tell him he can't dress in all black (at least not until we get him the right boots, little trench, dye his hair black - kidding!). we've had this discussion about being too matchy, matchy.
oh & that shirt has the words "i'm your worst nightmare" on it & that's the shirt he chose to wear his first day back after being suspended...
the other morning when the alarm went off & i was still somewhat asleep the radio was talking about how it was REALLY cooling off & i thought, excellent i can wear a long sleeve shirt today (it is october, right?). then they said the high was going to be around 88...
although i've lived in CA my entire life & countless people (including B) have told me CA doesn't have seasons, i'm used to, want, like, more seasonal change than this!
oh, back to our regularly scheduled post...this morning when Z was getting dressed, he puts on his black "jack the pumpkin shing" (nightmare before christmas) shirt. our household loves jack, we were introduced to it by OC-D. the 1st time i watched it i didn't like it much, but danny elfman's talent is undeniable.
then Z tells me he's going to wear his black pants too. in a way, i'm proud of my little emo, starting the black phase so early in life, but realize it's a bit much & tell him he can't dress in all black (at least not until we get him the right boots, little trench, dye his hair black - kidding!). we've had this discussion about being too matchy, matchy.
oh & that shirt has the words "i'm your worst nightmare" on it & that's the shirt he chose to wear his first day back after being suspended...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
about 6
i often think about my age in relation to my mother's - as in i'm 37, when my mom was 37 i was 16. can i imagine what it would be like to have a 16 year old child? what if B & I met that much earlier in life & Z was now 16, what would he be like? how do i look compared to what i remember my mom looking like when she was 37?
answers:
NO, i can not even fathom having a 16 year old child, i'm having enough problems with the 6 year old thank you very much...
2 part, if B & I had met that much earlier in life for Z to be possible, i don't know that we would have hooked up, if we would have i doubt that we would have stayed together. i can't say for sure about B, but i know i had a ton of growing up to do & was so completely unsure of who i was. although being with someone was all i ever wanted, i really needed that time to figure myself out (still working on some parts!). as for imagining what Z will be like at 16 - tall (hoping), thin (genetically impossible to be anything but), if we're lucky he'll stay blonde & blue eyed...he'll probably have a bad case of acne & even more stubborn (if that's even possible!).
my mom & i have completely different body shapes, so a comparision is difficult but i think i'm holding on pretty good.
ok, where i was really going with this is tonight when i was reading to Z & laying next to him he was looking at me very strange, just really looking at me & for the first time i thought about my age in relation to him - what do i remember about being 6?
short answer - very little
the biggest thing - my parent's divorce was final & people would whisper about it. i hardly remember my parents being together other than the arguement they had before he left. even when i see pictures of my dad & i, it's like looking at someone else's life.
i remember my 1st grade teacher was Mrs. Sellers, she was small & wore cool black suits & i had a really hard time learning how to read.
answers:
NO, i can not even fathom having a 16 year old child, i'm having enough problems with the 6 year old thank you very much...
2 part, if B & I had met that much earlier in life for Z to be possible, i don't know that we would have hooked up, if we would have i doubt that we would have stayed together. i can't say for sure about B, but i know i had a ton of growing up to do & was so completely unsure of who i was. although being with someone was all i ever wanted, i really needed that time to figure myself out (still working on some parts!). as for imagining what Z will be like at 16 - tall (hoping), thin (genetically impossible to be anything but), if we're lucky he'll stay blonde & blue eyed...he'll probably have a bad case of acne & even more stubborn (if that's even possible!).
my mom & i have completely different body shapes, so a comparision is difficult but i think i'm holding on pretty good.
ok, where i was really going with this is tonight when i was reading to Z & laying next to him he was looking at me very strange, just really looking at me & for the first time i thought about my age in relation to him - what do i remember about being 6?
short answer - very little
the biggest thing - my parent's divorce was final & people would whisper about it. i hardly remember my parents being together other than the arguement they had before he left. even when i see pictures of my dad & i, it's like looking at someone else's life.
i remember my 1st grade teacher was Mrs. Sellers, she was small & wore cool black suits & i had a really hard time learning how to read.
sweet lil Z
on monday night when i was putting Z to bed he told me the treat box at school has rings in it & he wanted to get one for me. we pinky promised on all fingers that he would get a ring for me when he was up for a treat.
i thought it was sweet, but didn't really expect him to follow through. i mean it takes some work for the kid to be good, a while to be good enough to get a treat. so after all that work i feel he really deserves the treat; i certainly didn't think when the time came around & he was standing in front of the glorious box of goodies he would remember "oh yeah, i promised momma that ring". i thought for sure it would be i want that green snake or the plastic lizard, etc.
but yesterday afternoon when i picked him up, he had the ring for me. he even kept it in his pocket so it wouldn't get lost. is that the sweetest thing you ever heard or what?
he picked out one with the big stone, it's about 1 inch circumference yellow "diamond" although he says it's green (he knows green is my fav color).
when we got home he took it off my finger & put it in one of my jewelry boxes & told me i could only wear it on special occasions...& don't ya know, this morning just happened to be one!
i thought it was sweet, but didn't really expect him to follow through. i mean it takes some work for the kid to be good, a while to be good enough to get a treat. so after all that work i feel he really deserves the treat; i certainly didn't think when the time came around & he was standing in front of the glorious box of goodies he would remember "oh yeah, i promised momma that ring". i thought for sure it would be i want that green snake or the plastic lizard, etc.
but yesterday afternoon when i picked him up, he had the ring for me. he even kept it in his pocket so it wouldn't get lost. is that the sweetest thing you ever heard or what?
he picked out one with the big stone, it's about 1 inch circumference yellow "diamond" although he says it's green (he knows green is my fav color).
when we got home he took it off my finger & put it in one of my jewelry boxes & told me i could only wear it on special occasions...& don't ya know, this morning just happened to be one!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Z's teacher - a rant
you have been warned, if you don't want to read about ranting i suggest you leave now...RUN!!!
alright, on friday when i went to class w/Z & he turned in his homework the signoff sheet wasn't signed & his teacher wasn't happy. i had asked her if he was supposed to be able to read by now & she said yes that most of the class could. she asked if he had gone to summer school, i told her no, that he wasn't recommended although we thought it would have benefited him. so over the weekend i sat down w/Z & had him read his little books from school. i think he finally got the whole sounding out thing instead of just guessing random words.
the signoff sheet is the parent's signature that the child has read all the books she sent home. yes, books. although they are little, 6 to 10 pages & they are simple, 4 to 6 words on a page, they are books & she sents about 6 home each monday.
I understand that if a child CAN read, they could probably go through all these books each night in less than 1/2 hour.
HOWEVER, if your child CAN'T read, one little 6 page book can cause vast amounts of fustration & tears for the parent as well as the child.
& let us not forget about the other homework that has to be done. a few pages of writing exercises, that's no problem. a few pages of math homework - oh & get this, it's F-ing word problems! for first grade! i know adults who can't do word problems! can we focus here? can we do math without words? how about a sheet with just numbers? when you make it word problems HE HAS TO READ? so guess what? we are reading lady who thinks i'm not doing my part! we're also crying about the reading! it's not that we aren't trying!
so what set me off you may be wondering?
last night, Monday, Z & I get home, i tell him to get his homework out of his backpaper & his pencil box so we can get started. i spread out all the worksheets & tell him to put them in the order he wants to complete them in. then i notice there's no books. then i look at the signoff sheet & notice the teacher has changed the acknowledgement statement from the book list to "i have read to my child 20 minutes every night".
so do i think this is directed at me? yes.
i'm pretty sure she thinks i don't read to him & therefore he hasn't learned to read & he's having a really difficult time learning. she doesn't know how much i DO read to him. even the counselor told me Z told him how much he loves that i read to him every night. i don't sign her sheet because he can't read the books. i'm not going to sign it so he can have a treat & she can feel good about herself if it's not the truth.
oh & i called her about the missing books. she said she put them in his folder herself (i'm not sure who else would), but another parent called saying they were missing their set as well. so i explained that i wanted her to know we hadn't received them so she could be sure to send them home today beings we were almost finished with the worksheets.
alright, on friday when i went to class w/Z & he turned in his homework the signoff sheet wasn't signed & his teacher wasn't happy. i had asked her if he was supposed to be able to read by now & she said yes that most of the class could. she asked if he had gone to summer school, i told her no, that he wasn't recommended although we thought it would have benefited him. so over the weekend i sat down w/Z & had him read his little books from school. i think he finally got the whole sounding out thing instead of just guessing random words.
the signoff sheet is the parent's signature that the child has read all the books she sent home. yes, books. although they are little, 6 to 10 pages & they are simple, 4 to 6 words on a page, they are books & she sents about 6 home each monday.
I understand that if a child CAN read, they could probably go through all these books each night in less than 1/2 hour.
HOWEVER, if your child CAN'T read, one little 6 page book can cause vast amounts of fustration & tears for the parent as well as the child.
& let us not forget about the other homework that has to be done. a few pages of writing exercises, that's no problem. a few pages of math homework - oh & get this, it's F-ing word problems! for first grade! i know adults who can't do word problems! can we focus here? can we do math without words? how about a sheet with just numbers? when you make it word problems HE HAS TO READ? so guess what? we are reading lady who thinks i'm not doing my part! we're also crying about the reading! it's not that we aren't trying!
so what set me off you may be wondering?
last night, Monday, Z & I get home, i tell him to get his homework out of his backpaper & his pencil box so we can get started. i spread out all the worksheets & tell him to put them in the order he wants to complete them in. then i notice there's no books. then i look at the signoff sheet & notice the teacher has changed the acknowledgement statement from the book list to "i have read to my child 20 minutes every night".
so do i think this is directed at me? yes.
i'm pretty sure she thinks i don't read to him & therefore he hasn't learned to read & he's having a really difficult time learning. she doesn't know how much i DO read to him. even the counselor told me Z told him how much he loves that i read to him every night. i don't sign her sheet because he can't read the books. i'm not going to sign it so he can have a treat & she can feel good about herself if it's not the truth.
oh & i called her about the missing books. she said she put them in his folder herself (i'm not sure who else would), but another parent called saying they were missing their set as well. so i explained that i wanted her to know we hadn't received them so she could be sure to send them home today beings we were almost finished with the worksheets.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
back to school
i thought it was worth my while to go spend some time in Z's class, observe how things go & all. so i took him to school on fri & sat in class for 1/2 hour. i helped him on his 1st page of work, stood & recited the pledge of allegiance (wow, i still remember it!), then continued arguing about the order of doing the work because he wanted to color first. he even had to go confirm with his teacher, that yes, work first, color last. stubborn as all hell i tell you!
then i left for an appt & was back shortly after 10 for reading. when i arrived there were already 4 other parents in class (either everone has a lot of free time on their hands or this teacher has many concerned parents!). the teacher sat in the back of the room with her alternating reading group while the parents took over sections of the class.
the teacher seemed to manage her reading group ok, but i'm wondering what she does on a regular day when she doesn't have 5 helpers watching over the rest of the chaotic class...
after reading it was lunch time & i followed Z into the cafeteria. i'm surprised he likes eating there; i never did, i always thought the food was gross, it smelled bad. i always brought my lunch, a pb&j. i should be diabetic with all the pb&j's i ate over the years. oh, i did eat in the cafeteria in hs, but only when they served bean burritos because they made some kickass hot sauce!
Z hardly ate his hamburger & fries, just the fruit cup was gone; then he headed out for recess. now we know the truth (1st handed) when he complains about not having enough time to eat his lunch. i watched him play & took him to the office for clean up when he fell & scraped his elbow. shortly thereafter the bell rang for class & my time was up, i had enough of school.
as i put Z to bed he asked me to stay at school with him tomorrow, it makes me happy he likes me there.
then i left for an appt & was back shortly after 10 for reading. when i arrived there were already 4 other parents in class (either everone has a lot of free time on their hands or this teacher has many concerned parents!). the teacher sat in the back of the room with her alternating reading group while the parents took over sections of the class.
the teacher seemed to manage her reading group ok, but i'm wondering what she does on a regular day when she doesn't have 5 helpers watching over the rest of the chaotic class...
after reading it was lunch time & i followed Z into the cafeteria. i'm surprised he likes eating there; i never did, i always thought the food was gross, it smelled bad. i always brought my lunch, a pb&j. i should be diabetic with all the pb&j's i ate over the years. oh, i did eat in the cafeteria in hs, but only when they served bean burritos because they made some kickass hot sauce!
Z hardly ate his hamburger & fries, just the fruit cup was gone; then he headed out for recess. now we know the truth (1st handed) when he complains about not having enough time to eat his lunch. i watched him play & took him to the office for clean up when he fell & scraped his elbow. shortly thereafter the bell rang for class & my time was up, i had enough of school.
as i put Z to bed he asked me to stay at school with him tomorrow, it makes me happy he likes me there.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
one step closer
whoohoo - retirement package approved baby!
if all hell breaks loose the longest they can keep B in is Dec 2009, but the paperwork has Sept 2009 as an exit date - SAH-WEET!!!
& although this may make us sound a little dumb, B & I just realized something...at first when we moved here, we KNEW once he was out we were so out of this town, but then we realized we were being hasty. we don't like it here, no doubt about that.
HOWEVER, there is a real possiblity that he could get job here that would make it worth our while for us to stay; but it would have to be something REALLY, REALLY good to compensate us for the strain on our mental health & fund all the necessary outings to cope with living in BFE. (option 1, in random order as they fall out of my brain)
we still have the house in SD, we can kick the renters out, live there & both find new jobs or B may go back to school. (option 2)
holy cow, we're like 18 all over again & go ANYWHERE!!! (option 3)
& THAT was kinda dumbfounding. at first we thought oh, maybe try NoCal, then hey how about something like oregon or seattle? then i went crazy & decided to start looking at places in sicily....why not?
if all hell breaks loose the longest they can keep B in is Dec 2009, but the paperwork has Sept 2009 as an exit date - SAH-WEET!!!
& although this may make us sound a little dumb, B & I just realized something...at first when we moved here, we KNEW once he was out we were so out of this town, but then we realized we were being hasty. we don't like it here, no doubt about that.
HOWEVER, there is a real possiblity that he could get job here that would make it worth our while for us to stay; but it would have to be something REALLY, REALLY good to compensate us for the strain on our mental health & fund all the necessary outings to cope with living in BFE. (option 1, in random order as they fall out of my brain)
we still have the house in SD, we can kick the renters out, live there & both find new jobs or B may go back to school. (option 2)
holy cow, we're like 18 all over again & go ANYWHERE!!! (option 3)
& THAT was kinda dumbfounding. at first we thought oh, maybe try NoCal, then hey how about something like oregon or seattle? then i went crazy & decided to start looking at places in sicily....why not?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
not feeling so good
i wasn't feeling so good last night, my back was hurting & i had a bit of a headache. then i made the ultimate mistake of getting on the floor, laying on my back, put my hands above my shoulders flat on the ground & arching my body up off the floor.....for a millisecond.
it was supposed be longer but my back said 'hell no' because i realized i hadn't put my body in that position in years & it certainly wasn't going to cooperate out of the blue like that. although i dropped back to the ground as quickly as i could & put my head between my knees begging my back for forgiveness, it was too late, damage was done.
after that i just laid on the sofa an aching mess; if my headache was still there, the back spasms distracted from it.
then last night i dreamt about the vieja, the hag i used to work with at the soils company. i haven't posted about her yet, but she's a nightmare (although oh so real) from my past. i haven't seen her since, wow, shortly after i announced i was pregnant & she went berserk (i shit you not) & Z's 6 now. i promise to write about her later though, some very entertaining stories. i don't remember anything about the dream other than her presence. i'm thinking she kicked my ass though, that's how i feel at least....
oh how i hurt & my head is foggy.
although i'm not a huge Paul Newman fan, i feel it's worthy to note about his passing. he was a gifted man. i've added to my blog title "if i had a plan i would be screwed", it is said this is a sign that hung in one of his offices. i like it, so i'm stealing it.
it was supposed be longer but my back said 'hell no' because i realized i hadn't put my body in that position in years & it certainly wasn't going to cooperate out of the blue like that. although i dropped back to the ground as quickly as i could & put my head between my knees begging my back for forgiveness, it was too late, damage was done.
after that i just laid on the sofa an aching mess; if my headache was still there, the back spasms distracted from it.
then last night i dreamt about the vieja, the hag i used to work with at the soils company. i haven't posted about her yet, but she's a nightmare (although oh so real) from my past. i haven't seen her since, wow, shortly after i announced i was pregnant & she went berserk (i shit you not) & Z's 6 now. i promise to write about her later though, some very entertaining stories. i don't remember anything about the dream other than her presence. i'm thinking she kicked my ass though, that's how i feel at least....
oh how i hurt & my head is foggy.
although i'm not a huge Paul Newman fan, i feel it's worthy to note about his passing. he was a gifted man. i've added to my blog title "if i had a plan i would be screwed", it is said this is a sign that hung in one of his offices. i like it, so i'm stealing it.
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